Beloved Zann,

I didn’t pay close attention to my surroundings as Ellewen and I hiked to the crossroads. I wasn’t even sure where we were going; Ellewen was vague about the details. North of Marifall, or south, or, somehow, both.

Mostly I was just enjoying Ellewen’s company. I’m cautious about using the word “love”, but… was I falling in love with him? Such a long time since I last had that feeling. Probably the last time was when Acea and I had started keeping company. I had been so young, and was so different now. Acea had loved me for my fury. I didn’t have that fury anymore; just a lot of schemes. But Ellewen certainly liked me well enough anyway.

“Ellewen?”

He glanced at me questioningly.

“Do you know all my secrets?”

Ellewen grinned, but didn’t say anything.

Silly of me, of course; how was he supposed to answer that? But I needed to know and I couldn’t find a way to ask him. Did he know that I was after the Sauce? What would he think about it if he did? Would he care, would he kill me? Were his feelings for me deep enough to make a difference in that? To say nothing of my other secrets, which were… well, I cared about them, even if he probably didn’t.

And the other problem was Wande. I didn’t know if she’d feel betrayed by my lovemaking with Ellewen. There was a culture in Crideon that men could have male lovers and it didn’t reflect on their bonds with their women. Very different from back home in the Boltmarch. And a lot of women didn’t care for the custom anyway. But that was only part of it: Wande herself had had a greenfolk lover, Jhus’s father, and refused to talk about it. What would it mean to her that I had done the same?

My pairing with Wande was… we cared for each other deeply. Her more than me, I think. But I don’t think we loved each other, exactly. It had always seemed to me like we had agreed that we liked each other so much that we could make our lives a lot better by sharing them. We were being emotionally practical. But now where was she, and what was I doing? Poor Wande and Jhus.

I owed her a lot. When I arrived in Crideon I didn’t know what I was doing. Oh, I could have found my way well enough, living in the big city, finding enough money to eat and sleep, eventually working my way closer to the Palace. But meeting her, living with her, gave me time and space to learn more about who I was now that I was awake and not at war. Ybel had changed a lot while I was taking the Great Nap and I had never learned who he was. I still haven’t!

Whoever he is, he likes Ellewen a lot. And he loves Zann.

Ybel