Here I sit. Alone. Thinking... I'm not a widow, single or divorced. I am married. But my husband Randy doesn't live here anymore. He was diagnosed with Frontotemporal dementia in 2014, with early-onset as far back as 2010. I placed him in a Memory Care facility 3 months ago. (July 19th, 2018) I can't even begin to put into words the overwhelming sadness. On top of the ache in my heart, I get so anxious each time I visit him... fearful of changes, a sudden decline. Will I see something that questions my decision? Are they caring for him up to my standards? So hard. Paralyzing. Can't seem to find any rhythm to my new normal. 


Ok, so I tried finishing this post several times in the past month... just can't seem to put into words these past 4 months. So I'll try again...
I visited my husband every day the first 2 months, and now every other day. I guess you could say the honeymoon is over, and now I see things about the facility that bother me... or maybe I just expected everything to be perfect. I want him dressed nicely when I arrive, and often times he's not. He's wearing someone else clothes... that do not fit. And it makes me crazy. I can't change what's going on in his brain, but I want him to look the same. I know without a doubt the timing of my husband's placement was right, but that doesn't mean it will ever feel right. How is it ever right for someone to put their loved one in a facility? And go home and go on with life. I can't. I know I didn't bury my husband, but at times it feels like I did. The layers of loss are just overwhelming. But amidst all the pain and sadness are miracles. Unbelievable miracles of God's goodness and grace... praising Him and thanking Him in the midst unimaginable grief.

Here's what I mean ~
dear friends Linda & Ralph from WI came to be with me during the transition insisted on staying three weeks after Randy's placement had no idea how much I needed them here I was able to duplicate our wedding quilt, so he'd have 2 at the facility the medical assessment was done by a Christian nurse from the facility Randy's precious 80 year old roommate raised his family in Madison, WI


the caregivers love Randy's musicI immediately fell in love with several residentswe formed a little choir of women and we walk around singingapproval for Arizona Long term care took 90 days... thank you Lord!he has never asked to go homehe is peaceful and happy and compliantthe caregivers and staff play his music whenever they are in his roomhe sits down in the dining room for his meals... a miracle.he reads the Bible with me on my iPhonewe haven't had a conversation in over a year, but he reads with such eloquence and passionI love the support group I attend at the facility once a month.a Dr now comes to his facility for check ups.Lin & I found the perfect print of Jesus at a thrift store to hang in his room


This photo was taken the night before Randy was placed in memory care July, 2018. 
I finished this post several months ago, and just now posting it. Randy has since been at Brookdale for 11 months. More posts to follow.