Who struggles with self-criticism? (Raises hand.) I’ve talked with thousands of women through my work as a writer, counselor, and life coach. One of the most common phrases I hear is, “I don’t know how to stop being so hard on myself.”

I think many of us were raised to believe self-criticism is necessary in order to be “good.” We have to keep ourselves in line. Make sure we do the right thing. Meet expectations. But I’m learning in ever deeper ways that Jesus came to rescue me from being “good” just as surely as he came to rescue me from being a sinner.

What do I mean? I think trying to be “good” is the modern-day version of living under the law. It’s about following rules instead of living freely in an intimate relationship with God. It’s about trying to achieve perfection instead of wholly trusting in grace. It’s about proving why I should be loved instead of resting in the belief that I already am.

I am not very likely to ever rebel (although there was that season in college…). But I am likely to show up every day of my life as someone who has to hustle to prove her worth, who hears a voice of condemnation in her mind, who feels like maybe she could be just a little bit better. I need Jesus to rescue me from all of this.

I also recently read an article that explained self-criticism activates our flight-or-fight response in the same way an external threat does. When we live with chronic self-criticism, we become a threat to ourselves. When we do this for years, research shows it can lead to emotional issues such as anxiety and depression as well as physical symptoms. Safety is a basic requirement for well-being, and self-criticism makes us feel unsafe with ourselves.

I cringed when I typed those words because they feel so true in my life. Our culture talks so much these days about avoiding toxic relationships and making sure we have safe people in our lives. But this aspect is often overlooked—the first person we need to feel safe with ourselves.

How do we do so? By loving ourselves in the same ways God has called us to love each other. God didn’t say, “Love everyone else, but it doesn’t matter how you treat yourself.” God is just as grieved when we treat ourselves poorly as he would be if we did the same to someone else.

I sat in a lovely coffee shop one morning, latte next to me, the chatter of a dozen conversations around me, and looked up every verse in the New Testament with the phrase “each other.” I compiled a list and then replaced “each other” with “Holley.”

Here are a few examples…

Love Holley. John 13:34

Stop condemning Holley. Romans 14:13

Be an encouragement to Holley. Romans 15:32

Now you try it…

Love (your name). John 13:34

Stop condemning (your name). Romans 14:13

Be an encouragement to (your name). Romans 15:32

(For a free downloadable version of the complete list, click here for 15 Biblical Ways to Love Yourself Today.)

Does this feel harder to you than doing these things for a friend? Yep, me too. I think loving ourselves is not something we can accomplish on our own, just as we can’t love others on our own either. I don’t think I have the capacity as a human to love other humans the way God does—and that includes loving myself.

My first tendency when I read the list I created with my name in it was to once again feel like I was failing at something and should feel guilty about not doing this better. Then I laughed because I could see my inner critic at work again.

So instead I paused and prayed, “God, please supernaturally empower me to love myself the way you love me.” Isn’t this what obedience means? It is simply aligning ourselves with the heart of God.

Tim Keller said “Shalom experienced is multidimensional, complete well-being—physical, psychological, social, and spiritual; it flows from all of one’s relationships being put right—with God, within oneself, and with others.”[i]

The work of God in our lives is to bring us deeper into Shalom until that work is completed when we are Home with Him forever. Part of that work, of things being made right in our lives, includes healing our relationship with ourselves.

Loving yourself is not prideful. Loving yourself is not selfish. Loving yourself is simply aligning with the heart of God toward you.

More than Small Talk Podcast – In “Feel Safe Enough” (episode 301) I share what I’m learning about what it means to feel emotionally safe, why it matters, and how it aligns with the heart of God for us. Our conversation includes biblical truth, a bit of brain science, and steps you can take toward feeling safer today.

Heal After You’re Hurt (course) – Sometimes it’s hard to love ourselves because we’ve been hurt by someone else. If that’s your story, then you don’t have to heal alone. I’d love to come alongside you through this online course.