Before the universe began, football was predestined to be invented in 1869.

We know this because it was invented during that year by Calvinists: Princeton (Presbyterian) vs. Rutgers (Dutch Reformed). The sport’s first-ever victorious player-coach would even become a leading figure within the latter denomination.

Two years later, faculty disapproval of the sport’s violence would prevent a whole year of intercollegiate football from happening. So the 1871 season’s only known football pitted Princeto...