August 30, 1929

Dearest Mother,

Four days have passed since Evelyn left us—four days of agonized grief and yet this is only the beginning of our tears for we miss her more and more. It is terrible to be alone here at home but the Health Department forces me to, until they are satisfied that I won’t spread the disease.

               I suppose you want the details of our Darling’s death—She was getting better, her throat was almost well but the diphtheria had so poisoned her system that she could not keep any food down; besides, the poison weakened her heart. The doctor said the day she died he was sure she would pull through even though I had been worried sick because her hands and feet were like ice. Yet she did not complain and that afternoon she was able to keep some water down. I will never forget that morning I pulled the day bed in front of the window and laid her in the sunshine. As I stood gazing at her, the sunshine on her golden head seemed to form a perfect halo and her face looked so heavenly sweet. Toward evening she vomited and became very weak and as I was giving her treatments she became weaker so I called the doctor back but he did not believe there was any danger. He told me however what to do in case she began sinking.

               For a while she was extremely restless, then she yawned comfortably and I was so glad that she was going to rest. For days she had only mumbled when she spoke but then she spoke quite plainly, “Mamma, I want you,” then “stay with me” and “Don’t go away.” I bent over her and reassured her and asked if she was “Mother’s girl baby” and she nodded and smiled sweetly. I asked her, “Do you love Mother?” and she smiled and murmured “yes.” I sat by her bed trying to keep her warm with the electric pad and holding her hands. Suddenly without any warning she stiffened up as in a spasm and the next second her life had fled before I could do a thing. Her little heart was suddenly overcome by the poison in her system.

First I felt terrible that the doctor had not come but now I realize that he could not have done any more than I did and at most her life would have been prolonged a couple of hours. We got a doctor in a few minutes and he said there was nothing to do but I worked for hours trying to bring back a spark of life. Arthur was with me when she died but he became hysterical. What we went through the rest of that night God only knows. We called up Bensons but of course we were still quarantined so no visitors were allowed. However, Harold and Russel drove in and stayed in the hall awhile.

Because of the diphtheria we were not allowed a regular funeral. Only the closest relatives were permitted to get a glimpse of her and the flowers could not be brought in but had to be in the basement until taken to the cemetery. The undertaker was a friend of Arthur’s family and made things as easy as possible. Evelyn’s little body could not even be brought into the front room. She lay on her bed wrapped in a sheet until the day of the funeral when she was placed in her little casket. The sheet was supposed to cover her face and be sealed after the embalming but he left it so we could look at her when we wished.

Arthur and I could hardly bring ourselves to leave her a minute. I made her last little dress myself, all by hand because I could not bear to have anyone else make it. Oh how bitter it seemed that it was the last garment I could ever make for my beloved little girl. So many people could not understand how I was able to do it but it was a relief to be doing something as one gets too weak to walk the floor all night and day.

I sat by her crib as if she were sleeping and made it just as it would have pleased her. It was made of pale pink crepe de chine in your favorite style and it was trimmed In rosebuds. It fit her perfectly and looked too beautiful for words.

Pastor Hamlin of Berwyn, another friend of the family, held such a comforting and soul-satisfying service at the cemetery. Two ladies sang, “Meet Me There” and “Life Up Your Eyes.” That was our baby’s last lullaby.

We took pictures of the funeral and when I get them I will send them. How is Dad and the rest of the family? Write soon.

Your heartbroken

Alice

Evening Reveries

Tonight I heard a mother call another child

Who bore my darling’s name

And my heart crumbled.

Evenings like this we used to sit before the fire

Her curly head withing the circle of my arm,

A cold rain beating on the window panes.

It beats again tonight and I am all alone.

She was so warm and sweet

All pink and blue and gold

Strange that I could produce such loveliness

Such exquisite fruition of my girlhood dreams.

She was so young that she had never learned to dream.

There are no dreams in heaven,

Only dreams’ fulfillment.

She seemed so small to go so far alone—

She was only seven,

And he whole world was still

Her mother and her playmates

And a foolish little dog.

She took such pride in her new shoes,

And now she wears winged sandals on her feet!

How has she changed, now five years in heaven?

Her eyes have begun to blossom,

Her eyes grown deep

From looking on the wonder of His face.

She knows no tears, nor loneliness,

And sorrow never touched her brow.

Little daughter grown so wise!

She would not have me sit alone before my fire.

And eat the bitter bread of grief.

A little time, my Very Dear,

A few more sunsets fading in the west,

And then, as sweetly as before,

Your curly head within the circle of my arm,

And you and I together looking on His face.

–Alice Carlson