I’ve had Covid for about five weeks. I’m no longer contagious since I’m testing negative, but many of the symptoms persist. With little energy, I’ve neglected much of my life – specifically my writing, but have found comfort in television. So, with my brain fuzzy like I’m drunk – but not in a fun way – I’ll try and elucidate you on my viewing life. Disclaimer: If the sentences or grammar are fucked up, I take zero responsibility. A virus is in control; I’m not behind the wheel.

Beast Games

My daughter scolded me for watching this. She said we shouldn’t support it because there was a “bad working environment” for the people on the show. I’m like – wouldn’t the 1,000 contestants have gotten a clue that it would be grueling just from the name of the show? Have they seen Survivor? Did they sign a contract which stated that in order to be the last person standing and the winner of $5,000,000 it might be an uncomfortable experience and that they’d be put through hell? I couldn’t turn away from the show. And even though it (so far) has been kind of cringeworthy, like – should I be watching this? – I’m going to. Way too entertaining.

Bar Rescue

Yes, with the big scary yelling guy. Jon Taffer. At first I was stressed out watching it, because it’s so intense, but now I can’t turn away. Maybe it’s like Hell’s Kitchen. Never watched that show (but I’ve eaten at the awesome Minneapolis-based restaurant! Super fan!) Okay, so if you’re not getting the premise from the title – it’s just what it says. It’s a failing bar rescue show. And the owners are always screwing things up. And I love that they are being given a second chance to pull their butts out of the fire and turn things around, but I often have little faith that after Jon comes in and makes things better, that they don’t mess it up again when Jon leaves. Sure there is a 2-3 sentence update about what happened 8 weeks or so after the renovation/reset – but what happened six months later? Or one year later? Or …. You get what I’m saying. The problem is that most of the owners were assholes – and/or stupid and/or had personal problems like a bad personality or no brains. And you can’t fix stupid. But still, I’m addicted.

Emelia Perez

Movie. On Netflix. I went in cold knowing nothing about it. It’s up for tons of Golden Globes which was why I forced myself and hubbub, George, to watch it. I sighed heavily and crossed my arms when I saw it had subtitles. I cocked my head and said, “What the fuck?” when the first musical number started up. And then the situation got edgier and grittier as the story unfolded. (No spoilers here). And I didn’t see it coming. None of the twists. Because I went in cold, I’m going to speak little in the way of details about the movie, but rather encourage you to go in for a cold viewing too. Set the remote down and get over yourself during the first 15 minutes of the movie. Stick with it. The twists, and the impact of so many difficult and disturbing societal scenarios were amazing. I’m giving this movie 5 out of 5 stars. No shit. It was that good. And the acting was phenomenal.

Mansfield Park – BBC version

Made in the 1980’s – I was looking for a slow-paced Pride and Prejudice-like experience and had never seen Mansfield Park – also written by the extraordinary Jane Austen. Actually, it was adapted from the book, but I suppose that makes perfect sense. But did they alter the book? I don’t know. I found the show incredibly boring. Painfully boring, like did these people really do nothing with their days? The minutia was tedious. The acting – what the hell was up with the voice and manner of Lady Bertram? I wanted to punch her in the face. Stop it! Why isn’t anyone punching her in the face? And the overacting of Fanny – especially in the one scene when she is wailing at her uncle about her turning down the proposal from Henry Crawford. It was like watching Sybil. And I gave up trying to understand the language (words and accents) in episode 1. I had to stop watching and figure out how to turn on closed captions so I could read the words to understand what they were saying. The next step was interpreting the words/dialog – like a Shakespeare thing – and by the time I was up to speed on what was just said, we were moving on. But then I’d stare out the window and lose track of the show, my mind wandering, thinking about the language and Jane Austen’s genius in taking the simplicity of a moment and using it to illustrate a character’s morality – digging into the human existence and who we are. I tell you, the whole experience was too much for me – and even though I pretty much hated it, I wonder if I should watch the more recent (1999) film? I got some of the social issues Jane was highlighting, (slave trade, cousins in love, women’s roles), but my TikTok/covid brain was out of sync with this show. Forgive me, Jane. I love all your other work.

Dallas – original show

This show has been my bestie. There are 13 seasons, and I had actually started viewing before the covid hit. I looked it up – there are 624 hours of viewing time to get through the Dallas adventures. I’ve been wildly impressed how they kept the storylines fresh and the action going. Full disclosure, I used to live in Dallas, which made the viewing more enjoyable. I recognized a lot of the locations where the show was shot and also worked in one of the famous gold towers too! Oddly, I didn’t really watch the show when it originally aired. Probably because there was no streaming, and it was appointment viewing. I was too busy working and partying to sit in front of the TV much back then. My how times have changed. JR is an absolutely amazing villain. He is truly evil, but Larry Hagman’s performance (he carries the show) makes him often likeable. Much like the character Alexis on Dynasty – you love to see how these villains will manipulate others and generally muck up everyone’s life. Sue Ellen’s alcoholism was painful to watch – so good for the show for getting it right and also to the actress – Linda Gray – for her performance.

Because absolutely no one wants to read this list except me I’m going to lose most of you now while I make a list of the Dallas characters and see what I think about them. Spoilers!

JR Ewing– brilliant. Larry Hagman’s voice, however, is very sweet for a villain. It’s higher pitch than you’d think, and lyrical. And he has a charming, adorable giggle and smile and loads of swagger. He doesn’t seem like he’d be fun in the sack, but the women sure seem to like him. Larry Hagman was a treasure.

Bobby Ewing – Absolutely beautiful. And the good brother. I never ever get tired of looking at him. His ego was tiresome sometimes though. When he died I couldn’t believe it, but then I knew that he was going to come back the next season. As a writer, I was super gripped with anticipation waiting to see how they would pull that off. What they did was reset all the storylines – like Bobby never died. So all the shit that went down in the season he was gone was erased. Okay. I liked it! I bought it. I was so glad to see Bobby back. I don’t know what genius decided that it was a good idea to kill off a main character like Bobby who was so integral to the family and JR’s opposite. I wonder if they were fired? I’m going to go look that up. OMG – it was the actor – Patrick Duffy – who played Bobby. He needed to leave the series for a while and the writers came up with this idea. Wow. I wish I could have listened in on those discussions.

Pamela Barnes Ewing – Bobby’s wife. Gorgeous but stupid. I really didn’t like her. I think she was supposed to be a sympathetic character, but her actions often pissed me off. The going crazy when she couldn’t have a baby. She was so fragile and yet always thought of herself as super strong. She wasn’t. She did yell though. Her ego was huge. Gawd, when Bobby bought her the aerobics studio because she needed something to do? That was so stupid, and I know the audience was just being given eye candy of women in spandex working out. And at the end of Pam’s life on Dallas, when she was burned up – wholly engulfed in huge flames in the car accident – I was horrified that she survived, certain there was no face or body left under the bandages. How did she write those notes while in the hospital? Her bandaged fingers didn’t work. And I kind of understood her running off, leaving her family, to see what she could make of her life and to see if there was a chance of recovery and normalcy, but all the secrecy was dumb. And no one went after her? WTF. “She knows where we are.” And then she was supposed to only be alive for a couple months – so no notice about her death? A funeral? One of my favorite scenes was when Bobby brought home the baby (Christopher) – thinking he just bought JR’s child and was bringing him home to JR – and Pam sees him with the baby and goes “Oh, Bobby” and thinks the baby is for her. And then what could Bobby do but let her believe it! Awesome.

Miss Ellie – why were her hands also clasped in front of her? Why did she always wear box dresses with Peter Pan collars? The collars were so childlike sometimes it felt clown-ish. But then she disappeared from the show for a year and OMG – the actress from It’s a Wonderful Life – Donna Reed stepped in. She was a nice lady – but she absolutely didn’t work for Miss Ellie. I was relieved when Barbara Bel Geddes/Miss Ellie came back. And then the storyline (Did I miss this on season 2-Amazon started the show in the wrong place one time and I was too tired to fix it) said Miss Ellie had a mastectomy so did that explain her dresses and hand placement – always carrying glasses? I feel bad if that was the case.

Jock Ewing – look up rugged in the dictionary. His face is there. He was very powerful, but I didn’t like his misogynistic, domineering, myopic and stubborn view of the world. Had he lived, who knows how he might have changed. Or not. I’m glad they didn’t recast him – oh, but wait. They did bring in an actor – Wes Parmalee – who claimed to be Jock. With a whole new face. But the real Jock had a very deep, gravelly voice and I was glad that they addressed that issue in the storyline – but it was all bullshit. Yet again, they wrapped the storyline fast with Jock’s imposter – him saying that he wasn’t Jock at all. Did he fall on his sword? I wasn’t really sure. Cause what about comparing the real Jock’s and the poser Jock’s x-rays? ALL the breaks were exactly the same. How did imposter guy do that? Yet again, Jock did go down in a chopper into a quicksand type lake in the middle of a South American jungle. Maybe he did survive? Not.

Gary Ewing – I think I missed most of his storyline – I should watch the 2nd season . . .again?  I felt sorry for him mostly. He was just too sensitive and different a person to survive on Southfork with an abusive father, a hands-off, submissive mother, and cut-throat brother.

Lucy Ewing – such a cute girl. So short. I think the storylines around her were lackluster and she disappeared from the show for a long stretch. She was fun to watch – mostly. Loved her and JR throwing barbs. Hated that she was so quick to fall in love. And it didn’t seem like she ever missed her mom and dad. Gary and eat-something-for-God’s-sake-and-stop-wringing-your-hands Valene. Mitch Cooper – Lucy’s husband – the relationship between them was also strange in that they were mismatched, and I didn’t see any chemistry. Mitch was uninterested and uninteresting too.

Ray Krebbs Ewing – uh oh, slept with his niece. Cringe! Although he didn’t know it at the time. I loved his blue eyes and strange teeth/smile. They made him take his shirt off a lot too. I was okay with that until it felt like it was as forced as the load of oil they put on him to make him look sweaty. He was a real cowboy. But sensitive. The egos on these men were a lot. And then he and Donna took up. Which I was really rooting for. Their differences/breakup reasons annoyed me. But I got it. They weren’t right for one another. It was so interesting that they came together over their tragic loss of their special needs child and were headed for a really good place helping those in the community. This was universe they were living in after Bobby died. But then Bobby came back – and whoosh – all storylines went back to what-if-Bobby hadn’t died. And Ray and Donna’s story turned out different. Interesting to think about. Oh hell, and I got to talk about Ray and Jenna. No. Didn’t like it. But I could see it. And it was true that Ray leaving Southfork and starting a new life would probably be good for him as a human and his growth. But damn, Southfork was not the same with him gone. He lent a steadiness to the ranch and was a good person. He had a lot of interesting storylines and the actor did a great job.

Jenna – Pricella Presley – She could act. I didn’t know that. I thought she was good in the role – lots of meaty storylines for her. I thought it was stupid that she kept the identity of her child a secret when she should have fucking told Bobby the truth. He deserved that. At the end though, I didn’t like that she married Ray – Bobby’s brother. I don’t think she really loved Ray– hell, I think she even said this – as much as she loved Bobby. Awkward! And Bobby being the best man and at the head of the altar when she walked up to marry Ray? So crazy and wrong. I thought the actress who played her daughter – Charlie – was good too. I did think that Jenna settled for Ray and was proven kind of a weak person in the end.

Sue Ellen Ewing – she did her best acting when she was suffering. But she always had a kind of tic thing with her jaw movements that bugged me. And her teeth (forgive me for saying this) were so dark. Yes, this was before whitening. And yes, it’s stupid of me to bring this up, especially since my own teeth could use whitening but I can’t because of sensitivity. Anway, I was preoccupied at Sue Ellen’s teeth more than I should have been. Her roles and storylines were awesome – for the most part. (Dancing in a swimsuit when Southfork was taken by armed men? Cringe! Can’t look away!) There were years of bad hair though that challenged me. OMG the monstrous earrings on these women too! Some of the outfits as well – but I was willing to go with it, because fashions change. Moving on. She was a main character and JR’s long suffering wife. The revenge parts – especially when she shot him 3 times – were mostly awesome. How many times did that make for JR to get shot? I’m counting at least 4 bullets. K. When she bought the lingerie line – Valentines? Was that a Victoria Secret rip off? I’m thinking – Dur. But I was okay with it – kind of. But, when she BOUGHT a movie studio with no business plan or background – that was bullshit. Yes, she was rich, but come on. And then she hires a guy to write a story of her and JR’s life. Whatever. There was zero chemistry with the actor they chose for that guy – and she rode off into the sunset with him? (insert loud buzzer sound). I think the writers were at a loss of what else to do with Sue Ellen. Let the poor girl rest, she’s been through enough. I also don’t think she grieved much (at all?) when her lover Nick went over the balcony. She moved on pretty quick from him. It was clever that the writers had Nick’s mob father come in and kidnap JR and interrogate Sue Ellen about who was at fault. What a gripping moment – opportunity – for Sue Ellen. She had JR’s life in her hands – again. I think she made the right decision though to understand that she was partly at fault too and that her child was the most important thing. In the heat of the moment she could pull the trigger – several times – but not with sober reflection. Oh, and the affair Sue Ellen had with the college kid from Blue Lagoon – Christopher Atkins. So much wrong there. Wow.

Mandy – JR’s mistress and eventual partner with and the main face of Sue Ellen’s Valentine’s lingerie thing. I know she’s a real person – but she couldn’t act. And when she was in JR’s arms and the camera zoomed in on her face, it contorted with such unbelievable ecstasy it was almost laughable. Yeah, she was pretty. Okay. But she was pushed as the prettiest person on the planet. It annoyed me. But then, if she suddenly walked into the room, looking like she did back then, would my breath catch? Probably.

Cliff Barnes – what a character. He had amazing story lines – including his impotence – which I thought was brave. (But then he overcame it. K.) He was often comic relief – and the writers built this up a bit which I thought was great. At times though, his quirky manner had me worried for him as a human – like, is there was something wrong with him? Like he was a shaky alcoholic – but he wasn’t. (well maybe the character was…. Sometimes?) His hand movements were strange, and his mood had wild swings. He didn’t really love anyone – but then sometimes he did. But he got over it quickly. The return of Afton and his realization that he finally really did love her was sweet, but Afton wasn’t having it… Really? Why did she have to keep it a secret that she had Cliff’s baby? Why keep Cliff away from the child? Men had absolutely no parental rights back then. It was occasionally touched on – Ray Krebbs with the daughter he’ll only visit – Margaret. And then there was Bobby who had a child with Jenna but was totally cool not being involved with it. Anyway, Cliff should have fought for his child once he knew it was his. He just moved on. He also walked away from his sister, Pam, pretty fast. He didn’t press his only sister to have ANY TYPE of relationship. All in all Cliff was an interesting and important character. Poor Jamie Ewing – he never loved her. But then, why didn’t she know that? The relationship between Cliff and Jamie was another victim of the Bobby dead/Bobby alive thing. Cliff and Jamie were deeply in love when Bobby was dead. When Bobby was alive – not so much.

Carter McKay – most remembered by me from the movie The Dirty Dozen. He was a good villain. And he could cry. Wow. His hands shook though.

Jack Ewing – played by Dack Rambo. What a name. Honestly, he was good in the role, but I had a difficult time with the super tight jeans. Ahem.

Dusty Farlow – ah, how did he recover from being paralyzed? Did I sleep through that? Sue Ellen’s love – why did he have to wear those silly scarves around his neck all the time? I likened it to the character Steven in the show Dynasty who was constantly wearing shirts and sweaters with Princeton plastered on them. I wanted to rip those yukky and silky bandanas off of Dusty. The huge belt buckles, boots, and wranglers were cowboy enough.

Hello? Is anyone still there? I’m going to stop now. George and I are going to a New Year’s Eve party tonight. I hope I remember how to put on mascara. If you see me, I’ll be the one in the corner with the mismatched earrings and bangs in my eyes. During covid, I missed my first hair appointment in years. I can’t do anything about the roots, but I might try cutting my bangs. The problem is, if I fuck it up, I can’t paste the bangs back on. We’ll see how it goes! And drinking wine tonight? I already feel woozy. Can I sneak off and watch some TV with my wineglass runneth over?

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