One of the things I struggle with as a person with a disability is feeling welcomed in establishments. I prefer spending time online and socialise as little as possible. It’s a drain on my mental health.

Recently, I decided I’d like to get back into exercising. To make that easier on myself, I got a gym membership through Planet Fitness. I got the most expensive one because I was going to do this with someone else, but they’re unable to come with me at the moment. I decided to keep it because there might be the chance I’ll go with someone and they can come as a guest.

I’ve been going on and off for the last two months by myself.. Weather and sleep issues have been the reason I haven’t gone as often as I’d like. Since my membership allows me to go to any location I’d like, I started in one and moved to another at someone’s suggestion and because I realized it’s a less confusing address to give to paratransit when I make reservations.

Until yesterday, I’ve had a great experience. The employees have been very helpful and polite. I generally check in and ask for help getting to a machine and remain there for my entire visit with the exception of a few times when I needed to use the bathroom and the machine I was using stopped randomly. They’ve also been great when I take a lyft and need help making sure I get in the right vehicle, something I don’t expect them to do and absolutely respect if they choose not to since it’s out of the gym and, in my opinion, it’s not part of their job description.

When I went yesterday, everything seemed okay. I checked in and asked the person at the desk if they could help me get to the bike. I stayed there for about an hour and got ready to leave. I, surprisingly, found my way to a chair that I’m sure is near the exit. However, I realized I left my bag (something that usually doesn’t happen. I’m very protective of my bags) and rushed to attempt to find my way to the bike I was in to retrieve it. Thankfully, the person who I assume was going to use it saw me.

“Are you looking for your bag?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said.

He handed it to me, I thanked him, and tried to find my way to the exit again. An employee approached me and asked if I needed help.

“I’m looking for the exit,” I said.

Paratransit was coming to pick me up for school. He helped me, but asked if I had someone who could come with me.

“I don’t always have someone,” I said.

“We need someone to come with you because of your disability,” he said. “Is there someone that can come with you?”

“I don’t always have someone. People are generally busy.”

“If you need any help, call me and I’ll come help you.”

I don’t remember if I thanked him, but I do remember being drained the rest of the day. I remember that one person took the fact that I planned to have a great day and ruined it for me. I remember that someone thought it was a brilliant idea to tell me that I needed someone with me at the gym because I’m disabled.

If it isn’t clear, this is inappropriate. I feel its important to spell it out in case you have some doubt. It might be condescending, but I don’t care. The amount of times I have been condescended to by able-bodied people is astounding, so I’ll be as condescending as I like.

I have the right to be treated with the respect every able-bodied member of Planet Fitness is and I was not treated that way. Planet Firtness, to comply with the ADA laws, states in their web site that a personal aid is allowed if the member requires assistance. Said personal aid may assist the member, but not workout with them, unless the member has a membership that allows them to have a guest or the aid is a member in good standing. Nowhere does it say that someone is required to be there if someone has a disability.

One of three things is happening here. One, the employee misunderstood or misinterpreted the rules. Two, the person genuinely believes this is the case. Three, the employee is attempting to make sure they, along with the gym, are covered in case some accident occurs, so they’re telling me that’s a rule when its not.

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I’m not doing that this time. I’m done attempting to do that. I’m not giving able-bodied people like this my consideration. I’m not welcoming them into my space. They don’t welcome me into their space. Why should I extend that kindness?

No establishment that I know of would make it a rule that someone with a disability needs to have someone with them. Are you telling me that the same policies that apply to children also apply to me, an adult with a disability? If so, let me know so that I can cancel my membership immediately. I pay about $32 a month counting taxes plus a $49 annual maintenance fee. I can bring my business somewhere else if it is too hard for a company to understand that not all people with disabilities are going to show up with a personal aid for different reasons, including that they’re unable to hire one and that they’re independent.

I consider myself very independent. In a place like the gym, I need minimal help. The gym is generally crowded, the machines are across the floor with what feels like limited walking space, and, to top it off, there’s a lot of noise. The sound is a combination of the music and the machines, making it a bit more difficult to navigate. When I go to the gym, all I ask for is help getting to a bike and the employees I’ve met have been kind and understanding. This one was disrespectful and insulting. For a gym that claims it’s judgment-free, I would like you to know I felt very much judged.

If you’re an employee of any industry and you see a disabled person, help them like you would anyone else. If you’re going to say things like this employee, just don’t. You’re not being helpful. Even if you intend it to be helpful, it just isn’t. It’s insulting. Humiliating. Degrading.

What you’re doing here is being “helpful” by suggesting to the person with a disability that they need to have someone to help them. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can’t be helpful and put us in neat boxes so you can feel better about yourself. So that you can say you were helpful. We’re not your charity cases. We’re not that cute little prop that you can have on your table to show off that you did something nice.

If you’re not able or willing to offer people with disabilities actual, meaningful help, just say no. Say that you can’t. That you’re unable to. That you’re unwilling to. Better yet, don’t approach. Don’t waste my valuable, precious time with stupidity. With an opinion that no one asked for.

I don’t want it. You’re not welcome in my space. I’d much rather make sure I’m offering that space, time, and energy to teachers, friends, and family that will and continue to support me. That often advocate for me when I need it. Why should I welcome people like you? You don’t welcome me into your space and you place yourself in such a way that suggests you know better. As I’m the person with the disability, I assure you you don’t.

The worse part of this is that you’ll eventually be disabled. The community you once made feel less than human is the one you’ll eventually join. Good luck. You’ll get to see exactly how able-bodied people can make things very difficult for us. There is no reason I should be advocating on a daily basis to be respected. For basic decency. I deserve better and so does every person with a disability.

When a company does certain things, it tells me as a person with a disability that I’m welcome there. Apple makes every product accessible out of the box. I can buy any product, get it delivered, and set it up without any sighted help. Unfortunately, not every company does that. We can’t wait to feel welcomed in the places we want to go to. We have to force them to make space for us. You know? That’s very familiar. It’s almost like what we’ve been doing for who knows how long and will be continuing to do so until we’re treated as equals.

It’s a very depressing truth to admit, but what else is new? I’m a member of two blindness organizations and everyone is older than me. While I don’t know how others of my generation feel about them, I can understand why they probably don’t join because, even as a member, I have a similar feeling. What are you doing for me? They say they’re working on things and, while that’s not entirely a lie, nothing happens. Obviously something isn’t working and they’re not changing tactics, so I can see why people in my generation might look at these older members of the organization and decide not to join because they’re not doing anything for them.

Organizations will encourage us to advocate. To educate them. To be polite when we do it, but, honestly, some people don’t deserve that. Also, what these organizations don’t suggest is to care for your mental health when you advocate. To ask yourself whether you’re in the right place to engage in conversations like this. To be aware that you’re not always going to want to advocate. They don’t tell you it’s okay not to advocate. That it’s okay to just advocate for yourself as I’m doing right now by writing this. They don’t tell you the ddifferent forms of advocacy.

Yes, we have to continue to make space for ourselves since no one else will make it for us, but take care of yourselves. Cry if you need to. Be a bitch and say “Fuck you!” to the employee that says things like this because they don’t want to deal with you. I have to practice that last one because I’m so tired of offering respect for people who don’t deserve it. Advocate for yourself where you’re able to, but do what you can to ignore the pressure to advocate for everyone else in your community. Representing the blind and visually impaired community with my actions isn’t my job. My job is to represent myself. If it happens that something I do benefits other people, that’s awesome. I’m happy, but that can’t take over my life.

My chosen form of advocacy for this situation is not cancelling my Planet Fitness membership. Not yet, anyway. Again, I pay about $32 a month counting taxes and $49 every year to maintain my membership. I have a right to be there. I deserve to be there. That employee will simply have to deal with me for the foreseeable future. He’ll have to deal with the fact that I might need help getting to a machine and, if it’s not the bike, setting it up too if it’s not accessible. He’ll have to deal with the fact that I might need help finding the exit.

If he doesn’t want to do this, he can find someone else who’s willing. I’m not going anywhere and I’m not going to bring someone to the gym with me because it’ll make him feel better. Too bad for him.