Dear Darlings,

I ran into a friend I haven’t seen in more than a year. We got to talking, and catching up. I congratulated her on an accomplishment she had been striving to achieve. She said, “Thank you. I’m finally back to finding myself.”

And it made me stop and think…

For years, I immersed myself in raising my kids. I was there for them nearly every step of the way. I cheered them on as they pursued their passions and explored their interests. I took time for myself, to be sure (for god’s sake, I published a book while I was in the throes of raising them). I played at tennis. I tinkered with writing after publishing my novel. I dipped my toes in different things, but my main focus was them. I knew I only had a finite amount of time with them, so I leaned into my mothering role and did it with my entire being.

When Claire left for school in 2019, I was adrift. My role shifted. I felt the axis tilt beneath my feet as I tried to figure out who I was again. I played around at tennis, but wasn’t good enough to be considered a true threat on the courts. I became a Court Appointed Special Advocate for kids who found themselves before the court due to abuse and/or neglect. It was hard work that left me drained and stressed. I didn’t feel like I was making a difference in the lives of the kiddos I was advocating to help. I was struggling to figure out what my next step was.

Then covid happened, and the three college kiddos moved back in. We went from two to five in the house in the blink of an eye, and I was in heaven (most of the time). I was back in mother-mode…my default mode. The kids proceeded to move in and out, in again and out again. Still, I kept my mantel of motherhood firmly on my shoulders. Reveling, ever reveling. I was comfortable there. And then…they all moved out for the final time. I was adrift once more.

Back in the day when our house was full to the brim with our adult kiddos and the boys’ loves (now their wives)!

So, when my friend said she got back to herself and found her passion, it got me wondering: What have I done to find myself?

Sure, I still play at tennis, but I don’t feel I’m a tennis player in the true sense of the word. It’s exercise and social. But I don’t think it’s a definition of who I am. Stan and I take Ballroom dance lessons, and we have a great time, but that doesn’t mean I’m a dancer. I love it, and we have a ball (get it? Ball, because we take BALLroom dance lessons!) I just dance for the fun of it. But are they my passions? Perhaps. Maybe.

I dabble in writing but haven’t published a blog in months. My novel was published in 2013….12 years ago now. So, am I a writer? Can I still call myself an author? The answer I’m coming up with is ~ Yes (I queried the Magic 8 Ball and it said, “YES, definitley” I can still call myself those things. I think those are two things that do define me as a person. I came back and found myself once again as a writer ~ a storyteller…making stuff up as I go along my writer’s path.

A couple of weeks ago, I took a writer’s BootCamp. It was four days of intensive courses in all things having to do with moving a story from concept to complete…crafting, writing, editing, editing, editing, more editing, and on to publishing . I thought I’d get bored, but as the days progressed, I found myself more and more and more energized. Since the beginning of the year, I’ve been writing most mornings ~ just for me. It feels so good to pick up a pen and write the words that are stuck in my brain. I’ve been working on editing a project that has been mostly dormant for a couple of years. And because of this beautiful bootcamp, I now have a community of writers behind me, and a way to access answers to questions that plague most solo writers. I have a community of not only other writers, but also the CEO and editor of a publishing house (no, they’re not my publishers, but I enrolled in their ongoing training, so I can ask them questions during monthly meetings.) The BootCamp did its job. It re-ignited a passion that I let go dormant.

And maybe it’s not about defining myself through one passion. Maybe, finding myself after identifying as a mom for so long is all about dabbling in everything I love and enjoy. Maybe, finding joy in small things (that don’t necessarily define me) is a huge step to finding a way back to myself.

There are exciting times ahead! I feel them in my bones!

xo,

me