Taste in Men
My oldest sister, who is incredibly wise and unbelievably strong, recently told me I have terrible taste in men.
I don’t think I can say she’s wrong, and what’s worse, I think it bleeds into my writing. I create characters who really are terrible men … but within the fluid rules of a narrative I have created, I can manipulate my readers into thinking otherwise.
Maybe.
Unless my readers are smarter than me, which is likely true more often than not.
Let me illustrate the point with examples from my reading life (to save me the embarrassment of the plethora of examples in my personal life). After all, ALL writing benefits from examples.
I’m re-reading Charlotte Bronte’s classic Jane Eyre with my juniors as I teach the novel. I’m definitely having more fun than they are, but alas, that is a sensation I (and many, many other literature teachers) have definitely become used to.
We just started the part where Jane arrives at Thornfield and meets Mr. Rochester, who just happens to be one of my favorite fictional characters of all time. Some modern critics have diminished Rochester as problematic and have categorized him as more of a villain than anything else … which drives me crazy.
Mr. Rochester, if he absolutely needs to be limited to a single category, is a Byronic hero. Byronic heroes get their name from Lord Byron, who often used intelligent, arrogant characters with dark pasts in his works. Byronic heroes are also conflicted, mysterious, rebellious, self-destructive, and often challenge the traditional notions of heroism. In short, they can be problematic.
But this is where author intent/purpose needs to enter the critical discussion. Charlotte Brontë did not want the reader to hate Mr. Rochester — she wanted the reader to love him as Jane does. Brontë builds Jane into a confident, successfully, happy woman through her struggle in understanding and loving Rochester. There is a rejection and an ultimately satisfying reunion not because Jane is blind to his “red flags,” but because she makes a decision to love him because she wants to. It’s as simple and complicated as that.
Mr. Rochester is certainly one of my favorite fictional characters of all time, second only to Jay Gatsby. I wanted to explain how F. Scott Fitzgerald’s titular hero is of the Byronic category only to discover in my research that … GATSBY IS AN ANTI-HERO??!!?!?
Color me shocked.
The biggest difference between Byronic and antiheroes is that antiheroes are the bigger red flags. They absolutely lack the traditional characteristics that are associated with traditional heroes. Gatsby is great, undoubtedly, but he did lie and have an affair with a married woman and have illegal connections with organized crime.
In my opinion, that’s what makes these characters so engaging and beloved and timeless. They’re complex and complicated, almost like real people are.
But luckily, it’s only almost.
When red flags jump from the page to real life, it can be hurtful and dangerous. What are red flags, exactly? According to a user on Quora, “Red flags are warnings that come from an event or a pattern of events. These can be micro behaviors. Red flags let you know when one of your boundaries has been crossed or you have a feeling in your gut.”
Apparently, according to Wendy Rose Gould writing for Very Well Mind, there are 13 Red Flags that should send you running for the hills:
Drug Addiction & AlcoholismThis one is obvious. Someone with an addiction likely hasn’t “…yet figured out how to cope without altering their mental state.” While this can make for an interesting character arc or emotionally charged scene, it can be exhausting and heartbreaking in real life.
Violent Displays
Again, this one is obvious. Someone who acts out violently likely hasn’t “…developed a healthy way to properly channel their emotions. In some cases, it could also be indicative they lack empathy for others.” That lack of empathy is also why you shouldn’t date someone who doesn’t read. Seriously.
Mismatched Relationship Goals
This red flag isn’t a personal issue that needs to be worked on, necessarily, but i certainly is a red flag for the relationship. If a couple can’t agree on whether to get married or have kids, or if they can’t reach a consensus about where to live or how to spend money, it might be time to walk away from the relationship.
Persistent Jealousy & Distrust
What can be interpreted as special, constant attention, or overboard generosity, can actually be signs of a control problem from a desperately insecure partner. You know that saying if you’re thinking of red cars, you’ll see red cars? That’s especially true in the beginning of a relationship when you want everything to be wonderful and perfect, so you make it so. However, this is at the expense of recognizing hurtful, problematic behavior that warns of trouble ahead.
History of Infidelity
I’m a hopeless romantic, so I believe people can change. I am constantly giving people I care about the benefit of the doubt. And honestly, nine times out of ten, it works out. I’m so blessed to have good people in my life. But — that’s not to say I don’t consider someone’s past. Can I absolutely trust someone with a history of cheating? That’s a question we all need to ask ourselves because successful, healthy relationships require absolute trust.
Controlling Nature
“Rethink your relationship if your partner tries to control who you see, who you talk to, where you go, how you spend your money, what you do online, what your body looks like, what you eat, or even what you wear.” The one thing I’ll say about myself is that I will not stand for this kind of behavior. If you tell me I can’t do something, it only makes me want to do it more. Maybe it’s the result of being single and living alone for so long, but I’ll be damned before someone tries to tell me what to do. I’m so repulsed by this behavior that it doesn’t really show up in my writing, not even when I’m writing villains.
Stories of “Crazy Exes”
There are certainly crazy people in the world, but when every single ex-partner is crazy, that actually tells you more about the person rehashing the relationships than it does about the exes. “This sort of perspective deflects any responsibility and demonstrates a lack of respect for the people they once cared for and loved.”
No Friends
Wendy Rose Gould, the author of the article, writes, “If your partner struggles to make and maintain relationships, this could indicate you will also struggle to connect with them.” And to give this further validity, the first time I heard about this particular red flag was years ago. I know I said I was going to avoid personal examples, but oh well; here we go.
I was sitting and watching a baseball game with the most toxic woman I’d ever met, sipping on Slurpees spiked with vodka. She lowered her sunglasses and explained how the guy I liked at the time was actually a loser because he didn’t bring any plus ones to a group hang out in Asbury. She ended up being a total narcissist, but I think she was right about this flag.
They Give You All Their Time
What might at first seem like devotion is more likely a red flag. “When a partner doesn’t have other relationships, hobbies, or goals, that is a recipe for an unhealthy, unfulfilling relationship.” There’s now all this pressure to be everything for the other person, and that’s a kind of pressure no one can live up to (coughDAISYBUCHANANcough).
Lack of Emotional Intimacy
“A partner who shows no interest in opening up and bonding is a death knell for a relationship.” One more personal example: I once confessed to a man I was in love with him, and he told me to “stop being gay.”
Gaslighting
This term is thrown around a lot — and often misused — but in its simplest terms, it’s “when a person says and/or does things to make you question your own sanity.” And this is not limited to romantic relationships — I’ve had “friendships” where I was gaslit to believe I was misinterpreting hurtful actions to keep me stupid and stuck and compliant.
Love Bombing
I feel like this is the most dangerous red flag on this list because it can be the most deceptive and manipulative. “People with narcissistic3 or borderline personality disorders, among others, typically engage in love bombing—manipulatively showering someone with praise and affection to gain (or regain) trust quickly.” To be honest, I’m kind of a dope when it comes to people. One of my favorite people on the planet has repeatedly told me I’m a terrible judge of character because I see the best in people … which makes me an excellent victim for this kind of behavior. “Oh, but they’ve been so nice” will be my dying exclamation.
Breadcrumbing
If Love Bombing is the most dangerous red flag on this list, Breadcrumbing is the most hurtful (in my humble opinion, of course). “Someone who is breadcrumbing is leading you on with little morsels of encouragement—just enough so you don’t give up on the relationship. Move toward this person and they’ll move away. But if you withdraw, the person will ramp up their breadcrumbing again. A breadcrumber doesn’t like or intend to commit.” Just reading this definition makes me want to burst into sobs and delete a few numbers from my phone.
So who is your favorite fictional walking red flag? Mine is probably Mr. Edward Fairfax Rochester of Jane Eyre … only because I refuse to admit Jay Gatsby is problematic in any way, shape, or form. And then there’s always Edward Cullen from the Twilight saga. I recently saw the first film in the series when it was rereleased in theaters and though the plot is atrocious and our protagonist leaves much to be desired, Edward Cullen remains an enchanting Byronic hero.
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