You know how yesterday I was like, "I'm not going to write memoir anymore!" Well, it turns out I might have lied already, and all I can do is laugh at myself but also be totally jazzed by this new idea.

Before I hopped into the shower with my husband this morning, I said to him, "I need a new project".

I know that I do need something to work on to feel happy. I need that hobby, that outlet, that moment of creation and dreaming up ideas. I love ideas and I always have way too many of them. Saying this to him wasn't necessarily a plea for "help me come up with an idea" but rather more of a "help me carve out some time today to dedicate to coming up with the right idea".

Immediately while we were in the shower the idea of a poetry book to commemorate being 39 this year, and going into my 40s in 2026 popped into my mind, and my beautiful husband expounded on that idea to include happy memories throughout my first 39 years. I began crying immediately, but it was only because the idea was so incredibly beautiful to me, and it was so touching that he was able to bring up some stories I had shared with him over the last few years of happy moments with the family members I've lost, where I grew up, and even with my kids when they were little.

It's perfect.

And it's still a memoir, but it's a positive and uplifting memoir, and something I can pass down to my children to show them that not everything was bad, in fact, there was a lot of beauty in our lives.

From there the idea snowballed in my mind, and I couldn't get to my computer fast enough to start thinking this through and outlining it, or writing down ideas on what it could look like.

It's also brought to mind how negative memoirs tend to be, and I've read quite a few. There is usually a message of hope, because we as humans really like relating to the experiences of others, and also knowing that if they can survive, so can we, and not just survive, but also thrive. We like the idea of being able to thrive, but again, so many memoirs are based on this traumatic event in our lives, and how we overcame it. We focus on those negative experiences, and I know I can't write like that anymore, at least not for a good long while, if ever again.

When my husband suggested positive stories from my 39 years on this earth, it felt so beautiful and perfect. I immediately thought this could be a good exercise for me, too, to reframe my memories and remind myself that it wasn't all bad. I can heal in a different way, a more positive way, and remember the parts of my family, and my life, that I loved and miss.

There's so much I can do with this:

Happy memories with my dead family members

Happy memories of my hometown and being young

Happy memories growing up with my bff

Happy memories of becoming a mother and raising each of my children

Happy memories of finding real love for the first time at 35, and making a life together.

Happy memories of becoming a stepmother

And really, there is so much in between all of that, because I've discovered so much about myself in these 39 years.

I want to talk about my love of nature, and falling in love with the ocean.

I want to talk about my thoughts on new places and experiences that I've had, as well as the countless hobbies I've dabbled in.

There's so much that could go into something like this, and I don't even know if it would be considered a memoir, or more autobiographical, but this idea brings me a lot of joy knowing that it could be something I would be very proud of and happy to share with my children as they grow. All four of them.

In my last post, I talked about how garbage my life has been up to this point, but that's not entirely true, it never is. We tend to dwell on the negative as a survival instinct to keep ourselves from getting hurt again. There's a big reason why we remember the terrible things that happen to us, and yes my life was a lot of bad with a lot of death and grief, but what I want for this project, this book, is to focus on everything in between. All the beautiful moments that somehow got pushed aside in my mind.

It will be healing in a new way.

It will be fulfilling in the ways I'm looking for.

It's the type of creative outlet I need, and on my 40th birthday, I would love to have it ready to share with my friends and family and celebrate that big milestone in my life.

What do you think?

I imagine it to be a mixed bag of poetry, essays, short stories, and even fiction. I hope parts are funny, and maybe some parts are sad, but mostly it's the beauty I see in my life and the thoughts I've had throughout my time being alive.

40 years is a big thing, and my life has been insane, honestly, in both bad and good ways. I want to share my stories, however they manifest themselves. Totally out of order, and in all different forms. Painters do this with mixed media in their paintings all the time, and that's what this feels like. A mishmash of stories told in all different forms, all together in one bound book of the beautiful moments from my 39 years.

I like it.

If you also like this idea, stick around, because I might start some kind of mini-blog-series where I talk about it as I go along. I love writing and sharing, so why not?!

Thanks, friends.