Today, I want to talk about a topic I have talked, written, thought, and felt so many feelings about—friendship. I am sure there is some reason I need to dissect in therapy that I care and think so much about this topic; however, there is no doubt that friendship is essential for our health and existence. Loneliness is crushing, and a lot of people struggle with this.

So, What is This Perspective?

This perspective can be found in the book Let Them by Mel Robbins. The entire premise of the book hinges on two ideas:

Let them: Essentially, let people do what they want to do. Let me: Let me do what I want based on what is in my control.

Mel discusses the idea that we cannot control anyone else’s behaviour but our own—hence, let them, let people do what they want, and let me do what I want. I was enjoying the book and finding it mildly helpful…and then I read the chapter where Mel applies Let them to friendship. Oof.

The Great Scattering

Mel talks about how when we finish university, we all scatter. This was definitely true for me. Half of my class ended up in Australia, and while many of my friends stayed in Auckland initially, slowly everyone moved further away. I have friends in London, Tauranga, Adelaide, Hamilton, Auckland, and Whangarei. I live hours away from all of them. It’s hard. But even just Mel’s naming this process helped me feel at peace. This is hard but normal.

The Three Pillars of Friendship

Then Mel talks about the three things that make friendship hard: things that cause people to drift away or make it harder to make and keep friends.

#1: Proximity

We have all come across this. We click with someone and become close friends. Then one or both of us move away. Initially, we keep, but then life gets in the way. We rescheduled multiple phone calls. Months go by between messages, and then suddenly, it’s been a long time since we have connected. Some relationships survive. I have one friend group where, for the last few years, despite us living halfway across the world from each other, we talk most days through reels, memes and random chats. It is wonderful. But this is an exception, not the rule – although I think something about a low-effort group chat helps.

But the summary of Mel’s idea is this: People will move away. We will move away. Proximity makes a lot of relationships harder. Let people stop messaging, calling, and reaching out, and let me reach out when I think of someone without resentment or grudges. Let me not take it personally and accept that some relationships will not survive.

Again, this perspective blew my mind. I would also like to add this: if we let friendships become dormant without resentment, hurt, or anger, if circumstances change and we reconnect, there is so much joy in old friendships.

#2: Timing

In other words, life stage. Another fairly self-explanatory one. It will be much easier to be friends with someone at a similar life stage. So let them be busy with their baby, with their new job, with travel, and let me still reach out when I can/want to.

And again, let me not take it personally. I think that is the best part of this perspective, at least for me.

#3 Energy

Sometimes we don’t click with people, and that’s okay. Sometimes you also click with someone at some point, and then you don’t. As Mel would put it, let the energy not click. Let me concentrate on people I do click with.

Perspective

A few months ago, I listened to an essay by Glennon Doyle on her podcast We Can Do Hard Things – my favourite podcast – where she talks about forgiveness. Glennon’s conclusion is that forgiveness is a perspective. I will not attempt to summarise it more because I would not do it justice, but suffice it to say it moved me, mostly because she is correct. Perspective is E V E R Y T H I N G in life. Mel’s entire book essentially boils down to changing our perspective on other people’s behaviour and refocusing on our own. I am an incredibly sensitive person, I spend a lot of time in my head and heart, I would argue too much, but tis my nature. For me, this perspective felt like a breath of fresh air, especially concerning friendship.