I didn’t get to say goodbye.

I didn’t get to hold their hand and look into their eyes.

I didn’t get to tell them all they meant to me, to ask forgiveness, or to even say, “I love you.”

This is awful. It all feels so unfinished.

It’s like I’m in limbo with no closure.

What can I do?

Many of us didn’t get to say goodbye.

Perhaps we weren’t with our loved ones when they died. We didn’t get a chance to connect with them and interact. We didn’t have an opportunity to ask questions and say what we wanted and needed to say.

Many times, death comes unexpectedly. Life can depart suddenly and without warning. The shock can be immense. We shake our heads.

Our hearts scream, “No!”

Other times, we’re aware that our loved one or friend is dying, but
circumstances keep us from being present or communicating meaningfully with them. The coronavirus pandemic, for example, thrust many of us into unbelievable situations of separation and isolation.

When we don’t get these precious final moments with those we love and care about, we feel robbed. We can feel stunned and paralyzed.

When the shock fades, we’re often left with a profound sense of emptiness. Everything feels unfinished.

Lack of closure is disturbing and frustrating. Not being able to be present or communicate meaningfully with our friend or loved one only adds to our sadness and anger. In many cases, not being able to properly say goodbye can vastly add to the challenge of our grief journey.

Were you able to be with your loved one when they died? Were you able to communicate meaningfully to them or with them?

Did you get to say what you needed to? Did you get to say goodbye in the way you would have liked?

If you didn’t, please know that there are many of us struggling with a lack of closure. You are not alone in this.

There is a sense in which all of us are dealing with not being able to say goodbye the way we wanted to. None of us had a perfect scenario. None of us did all that we wanted to do or said all we wanted and needed to say. We all feel “unfinished” in some way.

Now we must find our own closure somehow. We must make our own opportunities to say goodbye, perhaps long after a death. Though this can be challenging, it can be done.

Saying goodbye is hard and painful. Saying goodbye meaningfully can also be good and healing. Finding a sense of closure is important. Be kind to yourself in this. Set your mind to move from frustration with how things were to what you can do now to seek a healthy sense of closure. Though that might be hard to imagine, focus on taking the
next step in that direction.

Affirmation:
Though I didn’t get the closure I would have wanted, I will do what I can now to say goodbye in healthy ways over time.

Suggestions:
If you didn’t get a chance to say goodbye in the way you would have
liked, here are a few things to consider:

Though difficult, try to accept things as they were. Acceptance is key to recovery, healing, and adjustment. Acceptance of
what was enables you to take the next step in creating your own sense of closure about what happened and how.What do you wish you could have said to your loved one? What would you have wanted those final hours and moments
to have been like? Take a few moments and write about this. Express your heart.Consider writing a letter to your loved one, saying what you wished you could have said. Express your love. Ask forgiveness, if necessary. Be open, real, and honest.How we deal with lack of closure is important. Find ways to express your love and find some of the closure you need. This is hard and can be intense, but it can also be incredibly good and healing.

Excerpt from  The Grief Guidebook: Common Questions, Compassionate Answers, Practical Suggestions.

You, Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted;
    you encourage them, and you listen to their cry… (Psalm 10:17)

Question: Did you have a lack of closure with your loved one or friend? Please feel free to share by commenting below.

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