Anxiety of Ambition
Anxiety of Ambition
Another Monday rolls around, and I find myself back in the ‘rat race’ of life. Driving down the highway—sun in my eyes—only to ponder the vagaries of existence. What does it all mean? Why am I doing this? And most importantly, Is it worth it? The answer to these questions isn’t simple, nor do I think it’s meant to be. It’s a challenge that some people spend their whole lives struggling with. I am not here to tell you that I have found out the secret, and I am not here to tell you my ‘Twenty-Six-Step Process to Success.’ No, I am just here to tell you about a feeling I had today, a thought. Hopefully you can relate, and hopefully it helps you stay grounded on this giant ball of spinning rock we all call home.
On February 4th of 2024, I made a decision that would change my life for the better. On the weekend-eve of my daughter’s ninth birthday, I was struggling with a demon that had very nearly taken total control of me. My possession was so progressed that I did not know a way to live without it, but looking upon my child as they prepared to celebrate another year of life, I finally found the spark—the hope—to break free. So, I put down my cans of chewing tobacco and my endless thirst for that amber liquid known as beer, and I started a new journey—sobriety.
I can’t say it has been easy. No, quite the opposite in fact. You see when you develop an addiction to something, especially when you convince yourself it’s part of your personality, it becomes immensely difficult to put it down. But, no matter how many times it takes; no matter how many ‘quits’ you need to try, never give up! Eventually, like me, you will find the ‘quit that stuck.’ When you do, you will be able to experience the world in ALL its glory once again. All of its raw unadulterated emotion, pure and unfiltered. Love, happiness, sadness, fear, and the crux of this little post, anxiety.
Sure, you might be thinking, But I don’t want to experience anxiety or fear. Well, let me tell you something, try numbing yourself to those emotions through the ample use of alcohol or any intoxicant. Try hiding behind the crutch of mind-altering chemicals. Then…then you will realize why terrible emotions like fear, anxiety, anger, etc are a necessity. Without fear we could all end up like that one teenage boy with a Subaru WRX that thinks they are in Too Fast Too Furious. Without anger we risk being rolled over and abused, never having stood up for ourselves. Without anxiety we lose a very crucial part of ourselves, ambition.
That little jittery emotion that bounces around in your chest as you prepare for the big speech. That’s our guy, anxiety! The freaking nightmare butterfly that rips at your insides with blades that must be made of steel? That’s him. That moment when you think you might need to suddenly go #2 right before a big event. You guessed it!
So, why are they there and why can’t they just let us stay calm? It’s simple, you need that stress to ensure you do a good job, that you push yourself to the limit for the important stuff, and to make sure that you get the details right. Oh, like—I don’t know, not forgetting the name of the bride or something in the middle of the speech and accidentally calling her Ann when the groom is marrying an Alice or something. Anxiety will make damn sure you don’t do that! Let me be clear, this is not something I did, but like any sane person I have a fear of public speaking and that was a very easy nightmare scenario to concoct.
Of course, too much anxiety can backfire, and in a very real instance that I did experience, my nerves betrayed me. In the middle of presenting a scientific poster for a fellowship in college, I completely blanked on my introduction. Although I stumbled through it with a face as red as a beet, it was an experience that did not do me any favors; at least career-wise. I am sure you could say I learned a lesson or something there, but let’s be honest it sucked, and it was anxiety’s fault. Yet, when I think back on that moment, it might be because I didn’t know how to handle anxiety. I was drinking during that time (I was in college) but seeing as how I had some morals left, I didn’t try and take the ‘take the edge off’ with some James Bond level concealed flask. No, I tried to do it raw, and as an amateur at dealing with my emotions, I failed.
But let me tell you, that anxiety never went away. That emotion, no matter how hard I tried to smother it under the warm fuzzy of alcohol’s embrace, stayed inside. Now that I am well clear of the illusion of booze, I realize that anxiety, fear, anger, sadness—they are all still there. Like that one annoying friend that you know is right and won’t just freaking agree with you. They actually have your best interests at heart when they do that, but damn is it annoying.
Now I am learning how to use those little unsung heroes of the emotional world, learning how their agitating little tools can help you succeed. For example, I wrote a book! Technically I have written two but only one of those is publicly available, Shards of Ember. Insert shameless self-plug where I tell you it’s a freaking awesome Adult High Fantasy Adventure for fans of realistic fantasy grounded in the classics and has a sequel that is currently being edited. Whew! Sorry, I don’t know what came over me. Anyways, I never would have done it as a drunk. I would not have finished without the companionship of those darker, scarier emotions.
Without fear I would not have been ready for the harsher critiques that are necessary for me to grow as a writer. I also risked putting out work that threatened to stain my future writing career.
Without anger I would not have embraced what I know I’m capable of; instead, letting myself slide into oblivion.
Without sadness I would not have started the sobriety journey, for without ever knowing defeat one will never—truly—strive for victory.
Without anxiety, I would not have made sure that all the little details, all the little necessities of self-publishing a book were met. And there are a LOT of details. An ocean of minutiae that will scare off the unprepared. Without that edge of unfiltered anxiety I would have faltered, I would have smothered ambition’s boon and wondered why no one even bothered to read the dang thing. Without anxiety, I would not have even tried to realize my ambitions, and that…that’s not a life you want to live. I implore you, find yourself, get out from whatever snare that binds you, and experience life in all its raw joy-filled, lovestruck, delicious, terrifying, rage-inducing, dreary, and anxiety filled glory!
Thank you for reading and have a wonderful day wherever you are!
Feel free to check me out on:
FB: Mitchell Lecoultre Weaver of Stories
Instagram @mitchell_lecoultre
Also check out Shards of Ember on the Amazon bookstore and look forward to a sequel to that book in the very near future!
Another Monday rolls around, and I find myself back in the ‘rat race’ of life. Driving down the highway—sun in my eyes—only to ponder the vagaries of existence. What does it all mean? Why am I doing this? And most importantly, Is it worth it? The answer to these questions isn’t simple, nor do I think it’s meant to be. It’s a challenge that some people spend their whole lives struggling with. I am not here to tell you that I have found out the secret, and I am not here to tell you my ‘Twenty-Six-Step Process to Success.’ No, I am just here to tell you about a feeling I had today, a thought. Hopefully you can relate, and hopefully it helps you stay grounded on this giant ball of spinning rock we all call home.
On February 4th of 2024, I made a decision that would change my life for the better. On the weekend-eve of my daughter’s ninth birthday, I was struggling with a demon that had very nearly taken total control of me. My possession was so progressed that I did not know a way to live without it, but looking upon my child as they prepared to celebrate another year of life, I finally found the spark—the hope—to break free. So, I put down my cans of chewing tobacco and my endless thirst for that amber liquid known as beer, and I started a new journey—sobriety.
I can’t say it has been easy. No, quite the opposite in fact. You see when you develop an addiction to something, especially when you convince yourself it’s part of your personality, it becomes immensely difficult to put it down. But, no matter how many times it takes; no matter how many ‘quits’ you need to try, never give up! Eventually, like me, you will find the ‘quit that stuck.’ When you do, you will be able to experience the world in ALL its glory once again. All of its raw unadulterated emotion, pure and unfiltered. Love, happiness, sadness, fear, and the crux of this little post, anxiety.
Sure, you might be thinking, But I don’t want to experience anxiety or fear. Well, let me tell you something, try numbing yourself to those emotions through the ample use of alcohol or any intoxicant. Try hiding behind the crutch of mind-altering chemicals. Then…then you will realize why terrible emotions like fear, anxiety, anger, etc are a necessity. Without fear we could all end up like that one teenage boy with a Subaru WRX that thinks they are in Too Fast Too Furious. Without anger we risk being rolled over and abused, never having stood up for ourselves. Without anxiety we lose a very crucial part of ourselves, ambition.
That little jittery emotion that bounces around in your chest as you prepare for the big speech. That’s our guy, anxiety! The freaking nightmare butterfly that rips at your insides with blades that must be made of steel? That’s him. That moment when you think you might need to suddenly go #2 right before a big event. You guessed it!
So, why are they there and why can’t they just let us stay calm? It’s simple, you need that stress to ensure you do a good job, that you push yourself to the limit for the important stuff, and to make sure that you get the details right. Oh, like—I don’t know, not forgetting the name of the bride or something in the middle of the speech and accidentally calling her Ann when the groom is marrying an Alice or something. Anxiety will make damn sure you don’t do that! Let me be clear, this is not something I did, but like any sane person I have a fear of public speaking and that was a very easy nightmare scenario to concoct.
Of course, too much anxiety can backfire, and in a very real instance that I did experience, my nerves betrayed me. In the middle of presenting a scientific poster for a fellowship in college, I completely blanked on my introduction. Although I stumbled through it with a face as red as a beet, it was an experience that did not do me any favors; at least career-wise. I am sure you could say I learned a lesson or something there, but let’s be honest it sucked, and it was anxiety’s fault. Yet, when I think back on that moment, it might be because I didn’t know how to handle anxiety. I was drinking during that time (I was in college) but seeing as how I had some morals left, I didn’t try and take the ‘take the edge off’ with some James Bond level concealed flask. No, I tried to do it raw, and as an amateur at dealing with my emotions, I failed.
But let me tell you, that anxiety never went away. That emotion, no matter how hard I tried to smother it under the warm fuzzy of alcohol’s embrace, stayed inside. Now that I am well clear of the illusion of booze, I realize that anxiety, fear, anger, sadness—they are all still there. Like that one annoying friend that you know is right and won’t just freaking agree with you. They actually have your best interests at heart when they do that, but damn is it annoying.
Now I am learning how to use those little unsung heroes of the emotional world, learning how their agitating little tools can help you succeed. For example, I wrote a book! Technically I have written two but only one of those is publicly available, Shards of Ember. Insert shameless self-plug where I tell you it’s a freaking awesome Adult High Fantasy Adventure for fans of realistic fantasy grounded in the classics and has a sequel that is currently being edited. Whew! Sorry, I don’t know what came over me. Anyways, I never would have done it as a drunk. I would not have finished without the companionship of those darker, scarier emotions.
Without fear I would not have been ready for the harsher critiques that are necessary for me to grow as a writer. I also risked putting out work that threatened to stain my future writing career.
Without anger I would not have embraced what I know I’m capable of; instead, letting myself slide into oblivion.
Without sadness I would not have started the sobriety journey, for without ever knowing defeat one will never—truly—strive for victory.
Without anxiety, I would not have made sure that all the little details, all the little necessities of self-publishing a book were met. And there are a LOT of details. An ocean of minutiae that will scare off the unprepared. Without that edge of unfiltered anxiety I would have faltered, I would have smothered ambition’s boon and wondered why no one even bothered to read the dang thing. Without anxiety, I would not have even tried to realize my ambitions, and that…that’s not a life you want to live. I implore you, find yourself, get out from whatever snare that binds you, and experience life in all its raw joy-filled, lovestruck, delicious, terrifying, rage-inducing, dreary, and anxiety filled glory!
Thank you for reading and have a wonderful day wherever you are!
Feel free to check me out on:
FB: Mitchell Lecoultre Weaver of Stories
Instagram @mitchell_lecoultre
Also check out Shards of Ember on the Amazon bookstore and look forward to a sequel to that book in the very near future!
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