What is the difference between Shame and Guilt?

Guilt says you did something bad. Shame says you ARE something bad.

Guilt says you made a mistake. Shame says you ARE a mistake.

Guilt says you did something stupid. Shame says you ARE stupid.

It’s shame that makes us hide our face, not guilt.

Hiding has become synonymous with shame. Shame wants to prevent people from seeing what we fear is the real us – the ugly us. This is why, after Adam and Eve ate the apple they weren’t supposed to eat (guilt), they hid. They didn’t hide because they were guilty and thought they were going to get in trouble. They hid because there were naked and felt exposed and vulnerable.

Shame’s goal is to prevent us from ever being seen. It’s goal is to prevent us from ever being vulnerable of having anyone ever see our flaws.

Guilt is simple (you did it). Shame is Complex.Guilt is often obvious. Shame prefers to stay hidden.Guilt can lead to good. Shame will never lead to good.Shame can use guilt. Guilt can’t use shame.

In short, guilt is a fact about our state of being. Shame is a hidden driver behind our destructive decisions.

A personal example

I often tell the story of breaking my hand when I punched a wall in a fit of rage. I punched a wall. Guilty. I did it. That’s what guilt says. You did it. Simple.

This is why we focus on guilt and not shame. It’s simple. The problem is, much of what we do that we regret – like punching a wall – is because of shame. So, if we really want to change our reactions to things, we have to deal with shame.

To deal with shame, we must look beyond what we did (guilt) and focus on why we did it. That’s complex.

At face value, I punched the wall because my teenage daughter rolled her eyes at me and it enraged me. Simple. I got ticked off. That’s why I did it. Shame would like us to stop there because we’ve really uncovered nothing. The question is, why did it tick me off so much?

You can ask yourself that about almost any circumstance in life. Why did whatever situation you just experience, tick you off so much? Why did it hurt your feelings so much. Why did it embarrass you so much? THOSE are shame questions.

You’re an idiot

When someone rolls their eyes at you, they are sending you a message. That message is that you are an idiot. You’re a moron. When someone tells you that, you don’t need to break your hand against a wall and spend the rest of the day at ER and amped up on pain meds.

So why do we? Well, deep in our soul we are afraid they may be right. It’s often subconscious, but that’s why we react. Again, we could give a hundred examples – and I will give more in later videos because I think examples are helpful.

So, when my daughter, through her eyeroll, suggested I was an idiot, something inside me thought maybe she’s right. I am an idiot. I have no idea how to parent. I have no idea what I’m doing. I have no idea what to do in this or that situation so then shame realizes I’ve been discovered. I’ve been exposed for the fraud and idiot I deeply fear I am.

We fear what we’re afraid is true

If I didn’t inwardly really fear I was an idiot – if I didn’t inwardly fear she discovered the truth about me, it wouldn’t bother me.

When I feel found out I will often lash out. What that does is it helps throw As we discussed previously, shame wants to prevent us from having our shortcomings found out and me punching a wall was just the thing to change the subject.

So, the reason I really hit the wall was because I thought someone saw the truth about me and called me out on it. So shame gave me a tool to use to get out of it – my anger. That’s what shame will do. It will help you decide what to do now that you’ve been discovered as a fraud or failure.

Now we have a double whammy. Because I have now lost my temper, hit a wall and broke my hand, it proves I actually am an idiot because only an idiot would do such a thing. That’s how shame can use guilt.

Guilt is a statement of fact. Guilt says you made a mistake. Shame says you are a mistake. Guilt says you did a bad thing. Shame says you are a bad person. Guilt is a statement about a one-time event in our lives. Shame is a statement about the entirety of our life.

But it only tells us those hurtful things about ourselves for what it thinks is our own good. Shame thinks that the worse we feel about ourselves, the less likely we are to put ourselves out there for others to see us. The worse we feel about ourselves, the less likely we will get caught exposed making a mistake.

Shame to the rescue

Shame is doing this to protect us from the greatest human fear of all time. The fear of abandonment. The fear that if people really see the real you, they will abandon you. It’s why we hide our real selves from each other. It’s why Adam and Eve hid from God.

That next Sunday morning I had to preach at the church where I was the pastor. My hand was in a cast. When your hand is in a cast, you will get the inevitable question – what happened?

The cover up

Shame will now try to come to the rescue by presenting us with some options to prevent being exposed as a rage filled pastor that can’t even control his emotions around his own children. It’s important to not let anyone see how dark you really are on the inside.

Once you are aware you are going to have to face the reality of your guilt in front of everyone – especially as a pastor who broke their hand in a fit of rage – shame will offer you some suggestions:

Call in sick (lie)Blame your daughter (blame is the oldest shame excuse in the book)Blame your upbringingBlame anything but yourselfLie (#2) – I fell! Or I fought off an intruder! Make yourself heroicShame can use guilt. Guilt can’t use shame.

This one is critical to understand. Shame will use your guilt as proof of who you really are. It can use your guilt as proof that since you screwed up, you ARE a screw up. This will make it easier for shame to manipulate you in the future. It could prevent you from ever wanting to parent or pastor again.

Here are the layers shame can use in this one example:

Underlying issue shame is using: my fear that I’m an idiot has been exposed

When my daughter exposes my shortcomings, I hit a wall.Shame will use this to actually prove I actually AM an idiot unless I find a way to pass the blame onto my daughter or someone/something else. This means I need to hide all the evidence so no one else sees it.I then am inclined to lie to my congregation: I’m sick that day. I fell down stairs. I fought off an intruder.Now I’m guilty of lying.Shame will now convince me I’m also a liar.

All these things will add up to keep me in hiding and to prevent me from doing what I need to simply do – apologize and move on.

Guilt can be good. Shame is never good.

Defeating shame requires us to understand that shame never leads to good. I have maintained that it is the root of all evil. It is the source of most all the harm we levy against ourselves and against each other.

To defeat shame, we must actually do the opposite of what’s it’s telling us to do. If it’s telling us to hide, we must show up – cast and all. If shame is telling us to blame, we must apologize. We did it. Mostly if shame is insisting we believe that what we are guilty of defines us, we must object.

Defeating shame is a moment by moment battle to wrestle back control of our lives from this hidden manipulator.

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