Gratefulness from Others is Driven By Our Shame

Vance wants gratitude from Ukraine

Musk wants gratitude from Trump

Trump wants gratitude from everyone (as do I!! :))

We need gratitude for the same reason we need for approval: shame. Shame finds its source, often without even our awareness, in self-hatred. Because we carry this self-hatred, we are always looking for people and things to help us feel better about ourselves. People being grateful for what we’ve done, helps with that.

It certainly does not look like Trump suffers from self-hatred. Most would say he’s a narcissist. We believe narcissism is a result of self-love, but it’s not. Narcissism is a mask shame insists that people with self-hatred wear to throw people off track. Most people struggling with narcissism aren’t even aware they have such a struggle. One sign, is a compelling need for gratitude.

Why We Need Gratitude

If you press people for why they have such a need for gratitude, most would be hard pressed to come up with an answer. As you know from me by now, understanding the “why” is critical. The only answer might be “well, they just should be grateful”. Shame also requires us to make someone else the bad guy. This also helps us feel good about ourselves – it sooths the inner fear that we are worthless.

Why the Need for Gratitude is Dangerous

The reason shame, Narcissism and the need for gratitude (and approval) are dangerous is because they can be manipulated. If people simply “butter us up”, they can often get what they want. This can allow people to achieve results that may not be in our best interest.

This can also be true in reverse. Our need to be thanked can prevent us from doing what really needs to be done. We have in our mind that being kind, generous, and giving people will result in those people being grateful for us. Often, that’s not the case.

People Will Pay for Praise

I’ve spent most of my time working in corporate America and secondarily in ministry. What I’ve learned from both venues is that people will work for praise. The more you praise them, the harder they will work. This, I believe, is why corporations have awards ceremonies and acknowledgement programs. If we feel appreciated, we will work harder for less money. Is that the same as being willing to pay someone to praise you? Yes it is.

The challenge is that people in general can be ungrateful and our need for gratitude is often insatiable. What we will find at work is that what they really care about is our ability to produce and reducing what they have to pay us to produce that. Our employers have learned how to game the system, we just haven’t learned we’re are paying the price.

I have seen the same exist in ministry. It’s important to realize that ministry is just filled with the same people we will find in our work and political lives. Corporations are not bad. Ministry is not bad. Shame, which is manipulating each of us to achieve results to soothe our ego is bad.

Care for Those Who Don’t Express Gratefulness

Dorothy Day would warn new volunteers in her effort to help the poor that they should be aware of two things: the poor smell and they are ungrateful. For those of us (like Vance and Trump) who profess to be followers of Jesus Christ, gratefulness for our benevolence should not be expected. Jesus himself showed us that in specific examples (Luke 17:11-19) and by the entirety of his life. Still, the demand of Christ is that we be benevolent anyway (Matthew 25). His command was to feed his sheep.

What is Life?

For many of us there are two paths in front of us. Jesus called them the narrow road and the wide road. The narrow road is one leading us toward a life of self-sacrifice for those who won’t be grateful. It’s hard work. It will challenge our entire shame-based psyche. This drive for humility is why Jesus insists we care for the least of these – not because they need care, but because we need to do battle with our own need to be thanked and appreciated. We need humility. Humility is the mission of God.  

The bible would suggest that to live is Christ. I suspect that is true whether you are a Christian or not. To live is to self-sacrificially care for others. Why? Because they need our help? No. Because we need to do battle with our internalized shame.

Why are Should Despite Not Seeing Gratefulness From Others

If we view the poor, the aliens, the outcast or the oppressed as those needing our help, it aids our shame and self-hatred by making us feel better than someone. We are great, they are small. It will not build humility. They are here to teach us. They are here to lead us. Jesus would even say that they are him (Matthew 25). We give, not because there is a need, we give because we are in need. We just don’t know it.

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