If you’ve been keeping up with my newsletter, you’ve seen me talking about my new project—The Tearoom: First Ladies. It’s going to be a series focusing on the wives of US Presidents. 

They will not necessarily be posted in historical order. My inaugural First Ladies post was about Mary Todd Lincoln—read it here:

Mary Todd Lincoln Wasn’t ‘Crazy’

For First Ladies, I will be writing posts in the order of what grips me in the moment. It is, after all, the Muse who decides what deserves the most attention in the moment. Individual projects tend to know when they begin and finish.

Today, we jump from Mary Lincoln to Martha Washington. I’ve written a post about her mother-in-law, Mary Ball Washington (read it here!) I even wrote a post about the Founders’ daughters, including Martha’s. 

Until now, it hadn’t occurred to me that she deserved a spotlight of her own. She certainly does, because her presence proved to be a tremendous source of strength to her husband.

When George Washington was chosen as the general of the continental army, he was not yet President of the United States—but had been unanimously chosen as leader in a war where the odds were against him. 

His wife, Martha, was very involved. She even traveled, courageously, to join him at camps near the battle sites. She did this, even when there were rumors that the British might try to kidnap her.

Her story, however, began not with George Washington, but with her first husband. They married when she was in her late teens—but they were very much in love. 

Martha Dandrige’s romance with Daniel Parke Custis was not conventional. The Custis family were wealthy, and Martha’s parents were only middle-class. Because of this, they had to endure the protests of Daniel’s father.

In spite of this, they chose a life together. It is with Daniel that she would have her children. After Daniel’s death in 1757, his widow received a respectable fortune—especially in the form of land.

Flora Fraser writes in her book The Washingtons:

In accordance with English common law, which obtained in the colony, all [Daniel’s] personal property, minus his lands and slaves, was divided equally between his widow and his children. … Eight thousand acres, the Custis mansion in Williamsburg, and 126 slaves were settled on Martha for life. Should she take a new husband, this dower share, as well as her share of her late husband’s personal property, would come under his control.

Martha would, indeed, take a new husband. The initial motives for George Washington’s pursuit of her were worldlier. It’s no secret that her wealth was appealing to him. Some have questioned whether he was ever in love with Martha in the poetic sense. 

His first real love seems to have been a woman named Sally Fairfax. He had been unable to pursue her because she belonged to a wealthy family, while he was of the middle class—and he, it seems, was not brave enough to fight the norm like Martha.

Sally would go on to marry one of Washington’s friends, and after he took a wife of his own, he appears to have committed such yearnings to his past. But there’s no question about it: Martha’s money was attractive to him.

He was interested in using it to renovate his beloved home:

He could tend his estate at Mount Vernon with the aid of the income from Martha’s dower lands in southern Virginia. … As guardian and stepfather to the rich and well-bred Parke Custis children, he would derive worldly benefit. Washington was to describe Martha, soon after their marriage, as an “agreeable partner.” Five months later, in a letter to the same correspondent, she had become “an agreeable Consort for Life.”

Though it was initially a match of convenience, George would learn to feel tenderness for Mrs. Washington. Later, however, when asked for marital advice by one of his young relatives, he would advise against such sentiments.

Much of the Washingtons’ union remains a mystery. After George’s death, Martha burned most of the letters they exchanged. We can only gather from accounts of their friends, as well as scraps of surviving correspondence, that George and Martha Washington loved each other.

In her first marriage, Martha would be strengthened by the pain of loss. This was probably one reason why she was able to accompany her second husband to battlefields.

Though Martha and Daniel were happy, tragedy struck. In motherhood, Martha experienced crippling sorrow. Her first two children were Daniel II (born in 1751) and Frances Parke Custis (born in 1753), and this would be the beginning of the end.

Deaths in childhood in this period were common, and there was no reason why more children should not follow. But only three months after the death of his elder daughter, Daniel himself was abruptly taken ill in July. Despite the attentions of a Williamsburg doctor, he died the following day. … Her husband and two elder children now all lay in the Queen’s Creek plot.

It is believed that Daniel II died of malaria in 1754; his sister’s cause of death is not specified. After Daniel’s death, Martha would be left with only two children—John (known as Jacky) and Martha (known as Patsy). 

The losses of her first two children made her a doting, anxious mother, especially when Patsy began to display signs of what historians believe was epilepsy.

Fortunately for Jacky and Patsy, their stepfather was genuinely fond of them. Here, he displayed remarkable character. In spite of his hope for heirs, George Washington would have no natural children. 

He did not allow himself to mope, instead making meticulous plans for Jacky’s education. George hadn’t had a classical education; he was determined that his stepson should enjoy that privilege.

Washington was committed to finding a cure to Patsy’s ailments. She would live to the age of seventeen. In that short span, her stepfather contacted countless physicians and obtained dubious treatments, refusing to give up hope. He sent his stepdaughter on trips to so-called healing springs, though those trips were fruitless.

Martha and George were not ashamed of Patsy, even when she had her so-called fits. They lived in a time when symptoms of epilepsy were hidden from society. This was not the case for Patsy, who joined her family for public activities, such as shopping and visiting acquaintances.

Seventeen years is not long, but Patsy Custis was happy. She was cherished by her mother until the end. She found in George Washington a stable, comforting father. He is said to have wept bitterly when she passed away.

After the death of Patsy, Martha retreated once more into mourning. She found comfort in her husband and in Jacky, the last remaining Custis child. Though his life also ended tragically, he would survive into adulthood.

Young John Custis proved to be a willful soul. In spite of his stepfather’s hopes, he did not have the discipline to attend a prestigious college. Instead, he proposed to a young lady named Eleanor Calvert. It does not seem as if he asked anyone for advice before proposing. What resulted was a scare for his honor that led to a rushed wedding.

Rushed or not, the marriage seems to have been happy. It provided George and Martha with four grandchildren on whom to dote—Elizabeth, Martha, Eleanor, and George. 

Three other grandchildren died soon after birth.

Jacky’s death would be different in nature, though no less painful to George and Martha. He’d convinced his stepfather to let him join the Continental Army as an aide-de-camp during the Siege of Yorktown. 

On the journey there, the young man came down with “camp fever”—likely a disease such as dysentery. He never saw the battle; instead, he was taken upriver to the home of an uncle. There, his mother and wife both attempted to nurse him to health. 

Unfortunately, their efforts were in vain; he succumbed to “camp fever” at the age of twenty-six. His widow would move to Mount Vernon with their surviving children, until she remarried.

Though Martha grieved, she did not allow herself to be destroyed. In spite of her losses, she said that it was important to meet darkness with a lively spirit. One of her most famous quotes is this:

“I’ve learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances.”

Martha married twice. Both marriages placed her in prominent positions. She displayed her inner strength, even in the form of grief for her children. 

Her second marriage might have seemed, at the start, to be driven by material reasons. She wouldn’t have predicted the great role her second husband would play in history. I like to think that when she married him, she did know he would be capable of caring for her and her children.

Of Martha’s two husbands, Fraser writes:

In contrast to Daniel Parke Custis, George was Martha’s contemporary. He was, also unlike reclusive Daniel, ambitious, for all his talk of retirement, and of an adventurous spirit. Daniel had had dark good looks. Washington, pale-skinned and with chestnut hair, had fine, classic features. He was, besides, a man of unusual height and with a powerful physique. And last but not least, when Washington came calling, he was a serving officer in uniform.

Martha, in turn, had much to offer George, who would find himself in great need of a strong consort after the war began:

George, for all his physical grace, was nervous at home and stiff and uncertain in company, except with intimates or fellow officers. Martha instilled in him a self-confidence that had hitherto been lacking. Under her tutelage he was to embrace possibilities of friendship and family life.

These men were different in many ways. They had Martha in common, as well as the children who lived longest. George Washington’s story is proof that family is often chosen, not made. 

Certain things are far more important than blood.

There was more to Martha Washington’s life than her children, of course. She was active as First Lady, setting standards to a public role that was very new. She would charm guests in her parlor, and admirers would call her Lady Washington.

I will write about other things Martha Washington did. The truth is, she would probably have said that her children were the most important part of her life. All she did, in the end, was for the benefit of her family. That sort of sacrifice is often written off as basic, but it’ll shape a person in many ways.

Both of her marriages were happy in unique ways. Both of her husbands valued her opinion when making choices, even if these choices had different contexts. She is, to me, an example of how strong people can adjust to great life changes.

Like Martha Washington, we all have the ability to get back up when challenges threaten to bowl us over. We’re stronger and more adaptable than we might think.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you had to reinvent yourself? Do you think that this situation helped you to grow?

What to Read Next:

Shackleton’s Endurance: A Tale of Survival