(c) d. ellis phelps 2020

what she holds is my poetic memoir. It is a transformative work of writing as the healing process and for me the work of reconciliation. Here is the first poem:

uninvited

born

my breath
my body

( uninvited )


into this:

she left you
in your crib

you know
when you were two

she went down the road
to see that man

~

still
i wanted

precious one
cherished one

~

on mother’s day

this child
of eight

chose~

the flowers

[in the car
you wait]

carnelian rose

—french
provincial

vase:

miniature
polyurethane

molded

for life

~

later you
hated

your voice
my eyes

this vase
my mother

on the floor

~

still
i wanted

pretty one
strong one

~

when i
was twenty

there were parties
& men

—no more

wanting

numb girl
fun girl

forgetting
~

forgetting

the day
i came home

—a woman

my breasts
my hips

full

soft under-belly

becoming

me begging

another man inside

my body

—mine

~

you’re getting fat
you say

your disgust
my condemnation:

—alchemical fire

i do not know this
but we are

making:

transformative soup

& i
have left you

for another

man

~

is this the day

you turned
away

—decided

i must be

like her

~

one woman told me:

when evening
comes her husband

ties knots

turquoise twine
has consumed
the yard

he is building
a trellis

for a bean vine
—transparent

wine veins

out of control

~

the plant she says
has not produced

enough for even
one small meal

yet he
will not

cut it down

~

again
i want

again
i want

never mind
what good it is
or
whether it will last

i want

—what lives

i want turquoise

i want twine

I have removed the Moon Shadow Sanctuary Press version of the book from publication on Amazon’s KDP, as I have closed MSSP and am no longer in the hard-copy press business. Though there may be residual copies available online, I offer the manuscript here in its entirety for paid subscribers to my Writer’s Idea Box (a mere $10 annually).

When you subscribe to the Writer’s Idea Box, you will have access to both this poetic memoir, my novel Making Room for George, and to monthly writing craft workshop syllabi (here’s a sample) that I have been using in workshops with adult writers for a decade, and more paid subscriber only content.

If you’re ready to subscribe now, click the handy button below to get started and to read what holds her!

Subscribe

Or, read what others have said about what she holds. Here are the back cover blurbs from the book:

Blurbs all three for what she holdsDownload

Please be aware that what she holds contains what could be emotional triggers from some. I have tried to be sensitive yet honest and transparent. My prayer is that as readers engage with the work, especially women who have had difficult father-daughter relationships, will, in walking along my path with me, be themselves led to forgiveness and thus transformation and healing.

Subscribe to get access

Read more of this content when you subscribe…

SubscribeSubmitting formLog in