There are scientists out there working on a Unified Theory of Everything.

By this I mean they are trying to come up with this Really Big Idea that explains things like how the universe came into being (was it delivered by FedEx or dropped off by some gigantic stork?) and why stars go “twinkle twinkle” instead of flashing something useful like “eat at Mars.”

Now I’ve read some of the work in this field and it is really quite interesting. However, it seems to me that it has a long way to go. This is because they’re not asking the really important questions, such as: Why don’t M&M candies melt in your hands? and  Why does toast always land jam side down?

Therefore, in the interest of advancing scientific research, I am starting a list of things I think need immediate investigation.

Chandra’s Universal Law#1: People who own dogs apparently cannot hear them barking at 2 a.m.  Yes, I admit to harbouring some dogi-cidal tendencies lately. You see, there is a dog in my neighbourhood that barks incessantly, every night, beginning right around 2 a.m. and continuing until about 6 a.m. Worse, the dog seems to have a limited vocabulary: it repeats the exact same pattern of barks over and over and over again.

Now don’t get me wrong here. I love dogs I am mush when it comes to puppies. And yes, my own dogs have been known to bark. In fact, one of my own dogs was very hard hard to shut up sometimes because she went deaf, but there was a period there of, I swear, selective hearing. A typical front-porch conversation between myself and my dog went something like this:

Bark.

Taffy, be quiet.

Bark! Bark!

Taffy, cut that out.

BARK!

Taffy! Don’t make me walk all the way over there!

BARK! BARK!

TAFFY! SHUT UP!

BARKBARKBARKBARK!

*me walking in front of her and clapping loudly to get her attention*

Woof.

.

.

.

Woof. (she liked to have the last word you see)

My point with all of this, is that I tried to do something about my dog. Other families can have a dog bark for four hours straight right underneath their window and not hear it, while the rest of the neighbourhood can practically recite the canine canto by heart.  Are these people missing gene #345, otherwise known as I-HRK9? Are they missing the chemical 5,7-dihydroxydogamine? Do they need to have subwoofers installed? Only research will tell.

Chandra’s Universal Law #2: All service personnel make and break exactly 3.7 appointments with you before actually showing up at your door. We currently have a problem with our water softener — the problem being, that it is oozing salty water all over our basement. The upside is that the salt residue is making really neat-looking circular patterns on the floor. The downside is . . . no wait, that was the downside.

We called for service of course, and received a hearty “we’ll be there first thing Monday morning!” Seeing as it was a Thursday when we called, we thought this … quite convenient.

Of course, come Monday, we foolishly believed that someone would actually show up, and took the morning off work to let Mr. Service Person into the house. Morning turned into afternoon turned into evening turned into a phone call: “Hi, couldn’t make it, will be there Wednesday.”

As for Wednesday, see above paragraph.

A new appointment was made for Friday afternoon, and gosh darn it, wouldn’t you know it but Mr. Service Person called to let us know that he had been called away to an emergency.

Hmm.

Gas lines leak, phone lines get shredded and electrical wires come down…. but … well, I’m struggling to think of examples of water softener emergencies. I mean, besides salty water leaking all over the place? I am sure however, that the fact it was a beautiful Friday afternoon just before a long weekend had absolutely nothing to do with it.

If this keeps up, I shall soon be able to offer tickets to the Clarke Salt Marshes.

But to get back to my law, it seems to me this happens far too often and with too many service companies . . . . cable, telephone, power, you name it. Do service personnel take special training courses on how to raise and dash hopes? Is there some physical constant preventing service companies from sending out help on a night shift or — gasp — a 24 hour basis?

Questions worthy of scientific inquiry indeed. After all, if we can lob money at “cross cultural studies of the semiotic management and transformation of facial features in the make-up and masks of performers” then surely we can toss money at these questions.

So pay attention you graduate students out there, Chandra’s Universal Laws will soon be on your final exam. Stay tuned for more.

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