Share a lesson you wish you had learned earlier in life.

I’ve lost so much looking to the stars waiting for an answer. I allowed my heart to rule my destiny, ignoring the pull within my soul. I wonder what I would have been if I had chosen a different path. Would all the dark and vile things still have happened? Or would I have been safe wrapped in fate’s warm embrace? 

It feels pointless to spend time on the what ifs. There is no time machine to change the past. Even if there were, I wouldn’t know where to start. 

Would I go back and never say yes? Would I never give my number to a blonde mohawk in a sea of black? Or would I go all the way back to the beginning and have the courage to answer a simple question with the fire that fueled my heart?

It’s hard to face reality. My youth is behind me, and I have spent more time avoiding following my dreams and passions because I allowed the wrong people to guide me. Fear of the unknown has held me back more times than I can count. 

I tell myself time and time again that I won’t let fear win. At times, the darkness seeps in, settling into my mind, and doubt swells like a bitter tide. Sometimes, the warmth of the midday sun is hidden from me, leaving me cold and alone, isolated while I am surrounded by people. 

And while I dig myself out of the nightmare that is my mind, the world pushes me back down. 

An incident at work has triggered my PTSD. Digging up parts of my past that I thought I had recovered from is robbing me of the joy, comfort, and protection of my classroom. Forcing me to be uncomfortable in my skin as I have to see a person related to the wretched interaction every day. 

What will it take for me to finally break? Will I reach a point where I can no longer pick up the pieces of my life and force them back together? Wearing this mask everyday to pass for functioning is draining. How much longer will I play this game?