“On Being Autistic”
*This story is fictional, based off of some real events and people but not fully biographical
*TW: self harm, sexual assault, suicidal ideation
A sweet, thoughtful, and incredibly empathetic tween sits at a booth at an Italian restaurant. They quietly work on their digital art while their family buzzes with conversation all around them. They are dressed in a short skirt and tank top, both of which fit too snugly, their belly spilling out in the space between. Their hair is chopped short and their Sanrio tote has pins proclaiming their nonbinary pride. From the outside, you might see a tech addicted child whose parents don’t seem to know how to set proper disciplinary lines. Underneath, there is more going on than anyone could ever fathom.
Photo by Zhanna Rinatova on UnsplashI am really doing my very best not to upset anyone. I’ve been doing that all day and I’m so tired. Everyone’s emotions are so big and I don’t want to make anyone sad or mad or anything. Sometimes I wish everyone didn’t get so emotional all the time. Then I could relax and just do my own thing. But instead I can’t ever relax because I might say or do the wrong thing at the wrong time and everything might turn upside down. Someone might have a meltdown and the whole evening will be ruined. Or someone might hurt themself if I mess up too badly.
That’s why I spent most of today in my room. I kind of wish I was back there right now. Instead, we are out to dinner and I guess that’s ok. I do like this restaurant. It’s pretty much the only place I like to go out around here. The food is good and I like walking around the village to the candy store and the ice cream place. It’s not too loud and it’s easy because I know what I like to eat here. I always get the candied pecan salad — my mom got it one time last year and I tasted it and it was really good. That and I really like their calamari. Eating calamari is kind of interesting. Calamari is made from squid, and squid are among the most intelligent of all invertebrates. They can camouflage and signal and they can hunt cooperatively. So you’d think it would be weird to eat them, right, if they are such smart creatures? But squid also are known for being cannibalistic. They will eat each other at the first sign of weakness. If they are going to eat each other, I certainly am not going to feel bad joining in.
Right now I am drawing on my iPad. Drawing is one of my favorite things to do — I think I spend at least 5 hours a day drawing most days. It’s really relaxing and I finally like the things that I draw. I didn’t use to. I used to get so frustrated and I would rip up my drawings. Mom says I draw really well and even when I was 4 I made a really incredible panda bear drawing. Now I think maybe she is right that I am good at drawing. I think I was too perfectionist before but with the iPad I can more easily redo things I don’t like, which makes it a lot more fun and a lot less stressful. It’s cool because I can spend hours on the same drawing just adding layers and layers and blurring them and shading them, and if I don’t like something I did I can delete that part without it messing up the whole drawing.
I know people are judging me for being on my devices. They used to call me an “iPad kid,” but I don’t think that’s fair. Yes there are people who are addicted to their devices and it’s bad for their health and stuff. But first of all, I’m just doing art. If I had a sketchbook and colored pencils people would be praising me not judging me. Also it’s not like I am choosing to be rude, or just using my ipad to be entertained. I am already so overstimulated by my emotions and all the people and sounds; without my ipad, I wouldn’t have any way of blocking it all out. Headphones are good too, but they just block out the noise, not all the emotions. Worrying about everyone, trying to be helpful and not mess anything up, feeling overheated and annoyed and restless and overstimulated and understimulated. For all of that I need a good distraction.
I guess to be honest I don’t only use my devices for art. I also text my friends when I need them. And sometimes I really need them. Like if someone says something mean or rude to me, or if I am feeling really angry and I don’t want to be mean to my family. My friends calm me down and make me laugh. Sometimes I really need that. Like today one of my sisters was arguing about something with me and I knew I was right and she just kept arguing her point which was just wrong. I try to just let it go but I feel really angry in my body when that happens. My friends can help me to calm down better than anyone else.
People say autistic kids don’t have good social skills but I think I have great friends. I choose people who are nice and funny and get me. It’s just easier to communicate with them over text. In person I don’t always know what to say, and I get really overwhelmed by hanging out with more than one or two people at a time anyways. Like my birthday party last year. That was a mistake. I invited over 6 people and I ended up crying in my room for the second half of the party. Eventually my friends had to call their parents and just go home. I should have just had two people over, I would have had a really great birthday (finally). But birthdays are hard anyways — when I get really excited about something, my emotions just swing back the other way like a pendulum and suddenly I’m really sad and disappointed about the smallest things. Sometimes it’s like happy and sad are right there next to each other and my emotions are playing ping pong.
Actually, I think it’s other people who have bad social skills. The autistic people I know are mostly nice people, and isn’t that the most important social skill? The people who are mean and bully people, those people should be the ‘weird’ ones. Why are those people considered ‘normal’?? Our world makes no sense sometimes.
My ipad has stickers on the back. I like to look at them, they are all my favorite Sanrio characters. Mostly there is Karomi, but I also love My Melody because she’s pink, and Hello Kitty of course. I also have a Hatsune Miku sticker that I love — I think it’s my favorite. One of my sisters got it for me at the board game store. In the sticker, she is wearing my favorite outfit, her pink one with pink hair. I think I’ll be Hatsune Miku for Halloween. I want to draw her tattoo on my arm.
Oops I think I was just stimming a lot. Sometimes I don’t notice and I start making noises out loud that are fun and help me stay calm. I hope I wasn’t being too loud. But Mom is looking at me with a smile and that means I’m probably ok. I don’t get why people care about stimming. All my siblings stim too and yeah, it’s funny, but who cares? It’s really fun and I think if I couldn’t stim I’d feel like bursting or punching something. Mom says she used to do things like shake her legs but then my grandma wouldn’t let her, and so she had to find ways to stim that no one would notice. Like she will wriggle her toes or tap out beats on things. I’m glad no one here cares if I stim.
I noticed on the walk over here that something different is going on with the ice cream store. I told Dad that we should make sure they are open today because people will be disappointed if they are closed. He looked online and said they are open. But I don’t think they are. I think they are doing something special there. I’m worried we won’t be able to get ice cream. I should tell Mom. I usually am right about these things but no one pays any attention to me because I am 12 and the youngest. They think they know better but they don’t see all the things I see. Like the other day when we wasted all that time going shopping downtown. I remembered from last year that in the late summer the stores close early for a festival but everyone said it would be fine, and then we got there and most of the stores were closed. It was really frustrating. I feel so angry when I use up all my energy like that. Then I just end up spending the rest of the time in my room trying to feel calm and happy again.
At least Mom does listen to me most of the time. I just told her about the ice cream store and she’s going to walk over right now and check it out. She asks me to go with her but I can’t. I’m all settled in here and then if I leave I won’t want to come back and be here again. Plus walking hurts. I’m glad she’s not pushing me to go. But even she doesn’t listen a lot of the time either. It’s like people sometimes don’t even hear what I say. They just all talk over me all the time.
My cousins are making jokes about sex again. They do that a lot. It makes me uncomfortable…but less than it used to. Now I think it’s kind of funny. Except when they talk about things that are too uncomfortable or that I didn’t even know about and I don’t want to. Sex seems kind of gross and overwhelming. I don’t know if I’ll ever want that. I do have a girlfriend and maybe it would be fun to kiss her. But I don’t really think about it much. I just like talking to her, she’s really nice and sweet. She lives far away so I would like to meet her in person but I don’t know when I will.
I’m working on a drawing for her actually. It’s a drawing of me and her together. I just finished drawing me and I actually like how I look. I am pangender but I dress really girly in some ways. I like how skirts look and how comfortable they are because I am always overheating. I drew my cute outfit and my new haircut, which I mostly like except the guy cut my bangs too short. Also I drew my dark skin. I like that I don’t mind being Indian anymore. Some of my bullies in elementary school made me feel so bad about my skin that I tried to actually scrape off my skin color. That might be one of the first times I self harmed. But I don’t do that anymore. I’ve been clean for 86 days.
This last week I’ve really felt like doing SH again. I’ve been having really bad nightmares. I think it’s because school is starting soon, and last year at the start of the school year this kid in my class assaulted me. He kept coming up to me at my locker and grabbing my butt and chest. I told him to stop and he said it was no big deal. But he also told me not to tell my mom, and at first I was scared so I listened. I’m glad I finally did tell her — she talked to the school about what was going on, and when they didn’t do anything to protect me, she took me out of that school right away. Now I do homeschool.
I have been to so many different schools, and none of them ever work out. I try not to even think about elementary school. Mostly I have it blocked out of my memory, which is sad because I wish I could remember the fun I had when I was small, but most of my memories are gone. I know the bullying was so bad that I used to binge eat in my room, and I gained tons of weight. Eventually my only friend betrayed me and told everyone my secrets and joined my bullies. After that I was so depressed I tried to die. The police took me from school in handcuffs to the hospital, which was really scary. I got sent to a really bad mental health hospital and Mom and Dad drove down 5 hours to get me and took me out of there “AMA” because it wasn’t a safe place — someone beat up another kid there right in front of my eyes. Mom had to watch me around the clock for 2 weeks until they could get me into a better mental health hospital where I stayed for 2 months. The only thing I remember about that time was she tied a scrunchy to my wrist and hers when sleeping because she was scared I would sneak off and do something dangerous to myself while she slept. And I remember they had really good mac and cheese at the new place.
This year, things are finally going better. I am going to a virtual school that looks like it is fun and also the kids are supposed to be really nice. But thinking about the new school year is reminding me of that kid from last year, and the touches keep happening in my dreams. The doctor calls them PTSD nightmares. Anyways, when I wake up I feel so gross that I don’t know what to do but hurt myself. I know that’s not right, but I don’t know what else to do when I feel like that. I asked for coping tools, and Mom said to come to her room immediately when I feel like that. I think that might help especially because our new little puppy sleeps in there. If I hold him and sleep I don’t have the nightmares.
The food is here! I like when the food is here. There is something to do finally and this food tastes so good. I like squeezing the lemon on the calamari and putting the dressing on the salad. But it’s hard for me to mix it up well — Mom does that for me. My hands don’t always cooperate with what I am trying to do. I like that when the food is here there isn’t a lot to think about. Everyone is eating so people aren’t trying to talk as much either.
Oh no — I did that thing where I ordered too much food again. I got the salad and the calamari but I also got pasta because I was hungry. But I got full off the calamari and the yummy candied pecans. Now people will be upset that I wasted food. They don’t get that I have to order lots of things because I never know which foods will actually feel good in my mouth and my stomach. I want to ask people if they will eat the rest, but they are all talking so much and so loud and all on top of each other. And now my sister is telling a story and she is telling it too slowly and she keeps repeating herself. We get it already. But I shouldn’t interrupt her. This is so agitating. I just want to go take my meds and go to bed.
Mom came back and said the ice cream place is having a private event. I knew it. I want to go back to my room but that means Mom will come with me and I want her to stay and have fun. But I don’t want anyone else to take me back because everyone else will make me feel worse. They should just let me go back by myself. I’d be fine and I’d rather be alone right now anyways. Mom says but what if I feel this agitated still when I get back and I feel like hurting myself. She’s right about that I guess. I need my Mom but I don’t want to mess up her night. I wish I could just be a little kid and need my Mom and it would be fine to act like that. But when I try to just be a little kid someone else ends up sad or angry and then I have to take care of myself anyways.
I liked when Mom and I went on that Disney cruise. I could just be a kid that week because I didn’t really have to worry about anyone else’s feelings. I wish I could have a lot more days like that. But everyone else needs Mom too, so I just can’t. And we’re not even getting ice cream anymore tonight. Everything is all messed up.
OK I definitely need to go back or I’m going to feel like punching someone. But I can’t tell Mom that because I can’t talk. I hate when this happens. I’m not trying to not talk. I just can’t anymore. I can barely think. I pointed at myself and back home, and I think Mom gets it. She’s making plans for leaving and other people are asking her to stay. I want to tell her I can just go back alone and she can stay. Oh, I can use my phone.
i go back alone u stay
She says no she is coming with me. But now everyone is going to be mad at me. I knew I would mess up their night. I should have stayed home and not come to dinner.
i sorry i mess up ur dinner i a jerk
Mom says I didn’t mess up anything and that she is proud of me. She says my needs are important too. She the best Mama. When we get back I hope we can cuddle and watch our show.
Education is my personal predilection when it comes to making change in the world. If I can help people understand autism spectrum disorder (ASD), I know I can increase the kindness and empathy shown to autistic people. Thus, the “Autitude Collection” was born — a new publication that will hopefully one day be rich in articles, stories, and artwork to boost societal awareness of the autistic experience. Welcome, reader, to my latest hyper-fixation.
For now, I am the sole author and creator in this endeavor; I welcome other autistic voices to join me, young and old. If you are interested in contributing to this publication, please reach out to me over email.[image error]
“On Being Autistic” was originally published in Autitude Collection on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
