Last one. This is the most popular parody story. The Betas and Rea loved it. I had fun writing it.

*M*A*S*H*

 PG7-167 Uijeongbu, Pi sector

The colonyhad a single S-shaped main continent with a series of islands around it. Themain continent was connected to a northern wasteland, which was mostly steppesand tundra.

Initially,the colony had been a multispecies affair; that was up until the pirate plagueshad hit. The population had been decimated.

There hadbeen no central government. Two competing governments had been formed to fillthe vacuum when Federation ships began to ply the jump line more frequently.

Thegovernment of the north was a military dictatorship that did not want theFederation there. The south was a democratic republic and did want theFederation’s presence. They wanted membership into the Federation. It openedthem up to issues with legality since there was no central government. Legallythe planet could not apply for membership until they had a centraldemocratically elected government.

The agrarianstar system was six jumps from the main north to south jump line in Pi sector.The first three jumps were through destroyed hyperbridge star systems so it wasno surprise that regular traffic didn’t go into the region often. The jump linehad only six inhabited star systems left in it. Four of those were purelyagrarian colonies.

The branchjump line was twelve jumps from the recently conquered and repurposed Dante'sPlayground pirate base and eleven jump points from PR52-190, which was the doorway to the Omicron sector. Therewere a series of space colonies along the main north to south route that wereprime potential customers for agrarian worlds to supply food and materials to.

Once the navyhad cleared the branch of pirate activity, they had largely left it alone. TheFederation State Department had sent in envoys with the hospital ship severalyears ago to make the rounds to each of the inhabited worlds in order toencourage them to rejoin the Federation.

The envoy toUijeongbu had found that the colony world had broken out into a civil war. Thenorth wanted nothing to do with the Federation, while the south did. The northwas busy attempting to conquer the south, which was made up of primarilyfarmers in the central part of the country and peaceful city and fishing folkalong the coastline to the south.

Legally theFederation couldn’t intervene other than to end the violence and sendhumanitarian aid. A battalion of Peacekeepers, a platoon of Army Engineers, anda single MASH unit the 4077 were sent in by troop transport with a cruiserescort.

The colonylacked an ansible.

Unfortunately,the cruiser was drawn away from the planet by ghost signs. The branch wassupposed to be cleared of pirates, but the possibility of one lurking was too muchto ignore. The ship haunted the outer edge of the star system, attempting tohunt the ghost signals down.

With thecruiser in the outer star system, there was no possibility of orbital strikes,and orbital monitoring was limited to the dozen satellites in orbit.

Thenortherners refused access to the Federation and wanted them to leave. Thesoutherners invited them in. Initially the Federation just landed forces toperform humanitarian aid; however, when the northern army attacked Peacekeepers,Colonel Yangongo authorized a fire if fired upon ROE. The Federation peoplebegan to openly support the southerners.

*M*A*S*H*

FirstLieutenant Kelani Nakahara came up to Captain Ben “Hawkeye” Pierce and showedhim the X-ray results. He scanned them with a practiced eye and then nodded.“So, he’s got a couple buckets of scrap metal in his side and gut. Typical,”the surgeon sniffed as he looked down at the patient. “Don’t worry, kid, we’llget you fixed right up,” he said.

The kid inquestion was a teenage soldier barely conscious.

“Get meanother bag of plasma and a tub of surgical glue. I think I can get all of it,”the doctor said as he turned to the waiting tray.

“Hurry up,Pierce, we’ve got a line outside,” Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blade scolded.

“Coming,mother,” Hawkeye said with a simpering mocking voice. “Now this won’t hurt me abit,” he said with a grin in his voice. “Put him under,” he said to theanesthesiologist.

The medicbehind the head of the patient nodded and adjusted the gases and then put themask over the patient’s face. The patient’s eyes closed, and he began to breathslower.

“He’s under,”the medic stated.

“Good. Nowfor some fun,” Hawkeye said with a grin.

“Pierce,” thecolonel scolded.

“What? Ican’t have any fun?” Hawkeye mock grumbled as he got to work. He pulled off thedressing and immediately ran into a bleeder. “Clamp,” he ordered. A nursedropped one into his hand. He used it to clamp the bleeder and then got to workwith his tools to extract the metal that had caused it.

There were fivegurneys in OR in a row. The colonel held the one by the admission door. Hawkeyehad the second in line, Major Burns the next in line, then Captain Chuck Jones,and finally Captain McIntyre. They were all at work.

As soon ashis patient was cleared, Hawkeye took a step back, flicked his gloves off withpracticed ease and then checked on the other surgeon’s work as orderlies pulledhis patient and two new orderlies carried in the next in line. Hawkeye gave afew tips to Fred Burns, but the major snarled to leave him alone.

“He’s thehead surgeon, Fred. Behave,” the colonel said in exasperation as Hawkeyeignored the snarl and went on to Chuck. He assisted with a tear in theabdominal wall, which uncovered fragments of metal in the patient’s intestinaltrack. “You’ll have to go through him centimeter by centimeter looking forholes,” Hawkeye warned.

“Just pullthe metal out and move on,’ Major Burns said as he threw some metal into a bin.

“If you don’tpatch the intestines, the patient’s guts will dump into the abdominal cavity, whichyou should know, Fred,” Hawkeye said testily.

“He’s right,”McIntyre growled. “We’ve had to reopen a dozen of your patients in the pastmonth to fix those mistakes,” he stated.

“Do it right,Burns,” the colonel growled.

“Everyone’sganging up on me,” the major pouted but kept working. “Give me a clamp, no theother one. Can’t you do anything right, nurse?” he demanded, taking his ire outon the nurse.

Major MargieHolohan stepped in to relieve the nurse and assist the major. He knew betterthan to snap at her.

Hawkeye ranhis hands and apron through the sterilizer field, put new gloves on and thenturned to the next patient as he was settled in. “So, who is the next winner inthe metal extraction club?” he quipped as the nurse came up with the x-raysonce more.

*M*A*S*H*