19th November 2024
Kelowna, BC. 16th Nov.

Retelling.

To Javeria Abbas,
Rosenheim 2024.

Dear J;

I am writing this letter after talking to you for four straight hours, and that too, after a long, hard month. Coming off from talking to you, I am writing this in this way, so personally, in my horrible, horrible handwriting. Finally, I understand what you meant when you said you wanted a letter from me. See, after knowing you for so long and this intimately, I can still misknow you, hehe. But I get it now. So I am writing it how you wanted me to on 20th August. See, it took me a while. But I am finally writing you the letter you originally wanted, That Letter, this one. You know what? I was thinking about the LOVERS card and what you wrote in April. It is funny. How I am the WRITER, yet what you said there made me feel so much. You moved me then and now every time we have a spat (this last time is the final fight), I think back to that card, what you said in it, that I must keep that feeling alive and never give up or give up on you, give you up? Never and keep fighting.

For Us. So that's what I do when we fight: I keep fighting for us. I want to take this space to ask for your forgiveness, one last time, for hurting you. You have been my safest space, and by that I mean, I have been yours, safest space, and if you allow me to, I'll spend this remaining lifetime making you feel safe within that safe space again. I will make it up to you, I will, I will reforge your trust if you let me. I'll love you properly this time. I am so sorry for all the hurt, I am. You often call me your best friend, but I disagree with this term. What we are, best friends, does not even begin to cover it. What you are to me is my person, my favorite one. You'd often call me yours, that term I agree with. There is a point and a lesson here.

Before you, pre-2016, I had no real friends, so to speak, of course. Without you, I wouldn't even know what it is like to have a good friend in my life. What it meant. Someone who has your back at all times. Before you, I didn't know what friendship truly meant. You have been real and a dear friend. As your friend, I want to tell you this. I am going to be a bestselling author. But I am not doing it without you. You will be by my side, I'll have you by my side. You see, you see me. You make me feel seen. Doesn't matter what year, no matter. I am always happy thinking of you. Whenever I do think of you, and I do, it makes me happy, like there is a person who is there for me, my person, favorite one.

I draw strength from you, of you, from my relationship with you, of our trust, from it. You are like my superpower. Within that purple pulse, you are my power. So, I want to show you this. Oftentimes, I'd find myself in my woods, again and again, to be in them I consider it to be sacred, I am never scared there, but I do adore your BUTT, but standing amidst my trees, whispering my own words is my way of worshipping something. Only way I worship anything now. And saying your Name there in the woods is the closest I'll ever come to prayers again. When I see you again, I'll kiss you between your legs, saying your name. There will be my version of an acoustic prayer. I love you, still. You will always be that person who made me feel a little less afraid of the world.

I love that you showed me how not to live a limited life, not to limit myself, or to let others limit me in any way. And listen, 2019-2023 will always be more beautiful than this. Also, I am writing that other Letter, it's not about my writing, it's all about you, every word, just I have a lot to say about you. How can I not? As long as there is a YOU, there will be a ME.

ASGHAR ABBAS
2024. November. 20th.
My room here
Canada round 2.

P.S. You were right, you know, I never should have let you walk away from my life. I should never have let you go to Germany. Now I must mourn the loss of your presence. Loss of your tangibility is something I'll mourn until there is nothing left to be mourned on this earth.

P.P.S I have always wanted more. I want it all. I want everything. I want more. With you, for a little while, it seemed like I could have had it all; it feels that way, because with you, I did have it, ALL. Without you, what is there to have? And Now? Now I am listing in this lake, in this shipless ocean, I am awaiting to mount a ship to take me home. But will it bring me home?

My home is not a home without you because you were my home, and you are no longer home; no place is home without you. You are not there; without you, there is nothing planetary about this planet anymore. What is the purpose of being on this planet when we are not on similar planes anymore? What's the point of sharing a singular planet when we cannot share each other's lives now, you tell me!

Things are bad right now, everything, not between us, but in general and overall. But I think I have kept my promise to myself, just as you have kept my words, all of them. I loved you, here, in all the places I didn't think of you before. I don't know why that was last year. When you have always been so familiar, you have been my familiar. I recognize you from everywhere. I know you from every timeline, every single one. It's just that we messed this one up; we made a mess of things in this timeline.

This is why I can't let you let me go, why we can't let go of each other. I am walking in my woods now, as I walk in my woods in search of something, I am aware that the Witch I love, want, and need is not there. The witch I am looking for is not in my woods. Where is she? I don't even know. I thought of something else, thinking about that. It has been so long since I have actually loved a mermaid.

When you were with me, I never had to think about the things I like. Your presence was a constant reminder of everything I liked because everything about you is what I liked. I don't know much, but I know this. I'll see you soon, so see you. I'll see you after the jump. Let's just match cut our scenes and match them now, and jump cut to when we are in one place again, when you are here and I am there, and we are finally together again.

When we are in Europe, Kelowna, and more importantly, Karachi. I am in Canada right now, for now, in this Okanagan region, in beautiful British Columbia, but what we had in Pakistan will always be much more beautiful. As I was trying to get it out, I became familiar with our story; it has no end, so I will never finish telling it, for I know our storied Story will never be over.

Broken Time Machine.
Busted up Delorean.
Fractured Timeline.
We are out of time.
Finally and Forever.