I once knew a woman who could never stop questioning herself. She was always scrolling, measuring, and comparing. After any gathering, she would replay every conversation in her head, wondering if she’d said the wrong thing, if people liked her enough, if she looked put-together enough, or if she sounded intelligent. She told me once, in a semi-joking refrain, that she took dozens of selfies before posting just one, and even then she wasn’t sure it was good enough.

It made me sad to see how much of her precious energy went into that endless loop of self-critique. She was a beautiful woman in so many ways—bright, capable, and deeply kind— but she was always comparing herself to something “better.”

When we think about people who are running on ego, we instantly conjure up the jerk who cut us off in traffic, the boss who slings passive-aggressive insults, or the family member who is consistently rude at holidays. But this is only one version of an ego run rampant. An ego-based consciousness, or what the kabbalists refer to as the Desire to Receive for the Self Alone, can sometimes look just like my friend: insecurity, over-giving, obsessed with being enough.

The expression may be very different but the result is always the same. When we come primarily from our ego, any success, achievement, or blessing will only ever bring a happiness that is fleeting. The voice of ego might tell us (or yell at us, more like) that we need it in order to bring about the fullest expression of ourselves but this is a fallacy. This over-emphasis on self is actually creating the exact opposite of what we ultimately want.

But what do we do when we find ourselves caught in this loop? Science says: turn the volume down on the ego.

Psychologists Dr. Heidi A. Wayment and Dr. Jack J. Bauer coined the term “quiet ego” in 2008 and described it as a compassionate self-identity that counters a “noisy ego,” which refers to a more self-centered and potentially disruptive aspect of the self, driven by the need for validation, dominance and constant attention. Yes, a certain amount of ego and self-awareness is necessary—it’s useful for survival and required for healthy socialization—but when culture and technology fuse in the way they have in the last decade, it’s amplified beyond its natural bounds, backfiring on us big time. We become trapped in a loop of over-analysis and the result is anxiety, depression, and disconnection.

But what does it look like to turn the volume down on this voice, practically? Luckily, they zeroed on a few ways we can do this and, if you’ve been following me for awhile, these may sound familiar:

An inclusive identity is one that considers others along with ourselves. Yes we want what’s best for us but if it comes as a detriment to everyone else, it isn’t actually good for us either. An inclusive identity values compromise, compassion, and sharing creating better relationships not just with others, but with ourselves.

This means to step in another person’s shoes and view an experience from their point of view. When we find ourselves in a disagreement, for example, taking the perspective of the other person and seeking to find the validity not only helps us find solutions but it creates greater intimacy no matter the relationship.

A growth mindset encourages us to see challenges and conflict as opportunities for growth. What once was perceived as “criticism” becomes useful feedback and discomfort is welcomed as an indicator of our own transformation.

Instead of taking every thought and feeling personally, we can begin to observe our thoughts and emotions, using them as data. A detached awareness can help us see things clearly and identify more easily the areas where we might need to pivot.

Going back to my friend, when she shared with me about this negative loop of self-talk and obsessing I invited her to take on this gentle shift. Every time she hears the voice of ego asking “How do I look? Am I saying the right thing? Do they like me?” shift the questions: “How can I bring Light to these interactions? Is there an opportunity to give or share here? How can I be kind to myself and others instead?”

All of these tools change the focus from self to others, from getting to giving. Using, once again, the example of my lovely friend, instead of obsessing about how she was being perceived, she turned her attention to how she can give—through kindness, empathy, or simply being present. I think I can speak on her behalf when I say she is experiencing much more confidence and joy as a result.

Study upon study shows that when we cultivate these traits and values, our lives become more joyful. Sometimes almost instantly. In fact, this year’s World Happiness Report, run annually by the data firm Gallup—said that daily acts of kindness and generosity were larger predictors of happiness than earning a higher salary. We think we want material wealth but only because we believe it brings us the riches we are actually seeking: peace, joy, fulfillment, and connection. All of which are inside and made manifest only through us.

The intentional shift from a consciousness of taking to one of sharing is the exact transformation our souls came into this world to make. Noticing when our ego gets loud and practicing to lower the volume is how we take on transformation every day. The paradox is that fulfillment is never found in grasping more tightly, but in loosening our grip and opening our hearts to others.

Today and everyday ask yourself:

What could be better around me and how can I contribute to that?
How can I give outside of my zone of comfort today?
Where am I withholding and how can I loosen up and open more?

Quieting the ego isn’t about erasing the self. It’s about aligning with the part of us that already knows we are connected to the Creator, to everyone and everything. It’s about remembering that happiness doesn’t come from amplifying the “me,” but from positively and humbling contributing to the “we.”

The post Smaller Ego, Happier Life appeared first on Monica Berg.