I’m thrilled to be here with you in Copenhagen tonight, to receive the Nobel Peace Prize. You know, for a while I thought you were going to give it to Greta Thunberg!

Just kidding. It’s a truly great honour, really great, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I gotta say, what took you so long? Because I love peace. I really do. Nobody loves peace more than me. All my friends and family know how much I love it. Freddo of course, I mean, Don Junior. Jared. Vladimir. Crown Prince Muhammad. Prince Tamim. They all love peace.

And Bibi. Yes, Bibi loves peace too. A lotta people don’t know that, but they don’t know him like I do.

But now it’s over, thanks to me. 3,000 years they’ve been fighting in the Middle East and now it’s over. Now the sun has risen on the holy land and there will be peace for all eternity, and the enemies of civilization have been defeated, and there will be no more terror ever again. How about that? It’s such a glorious, joyful moment. So much joy. So much. It’s beautiful to see it. Even Jesus couldn’t do this. Buddha, what did he do?

Martin Luther King, you gave him the peace prize. Why? Three letters: DEI. Of course nobody says that. You can’t say that. And Obama? You gave it to him before he even did anything!

Barack. Hussein. Obama. Let that sink in. But you gave it to him anyway. You gave it to Malala and she was only 17 - wasn’t she still a minor? And my wife has done more for peace than she has.

But nobody has done more for peace than me. When I think of all the wars I’ve stopped…it’s just fantastic, you know?

So many wars.

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World War I. Who ended that? Nobody knew how. They’re in the trenches. There’s gas. One million people dead in half an hour. So I call the Fuhrer. The leader. In Germany they call ‘em the Fuhrer. It’s kinda cool. And Willy, he’s on his horse in the forest and he picks up, and I say Willy, let’s make a deal. And he takes it. Next day he’s gone, the generals are on the train talking, and it’s Christmas and the soldiers are playing soccer in no man’s land. It’s beautiful to see. You had to be there.

Japan in World War 2. They’re killing our boys in the islands. So we drop two atomic bombs. Boom! And I call the Emperor. I say, take the deal. Next minute they’re making cars and motorbikes.

Did I get any credit?

India and Pakistan. They got nukes. They’re running round, all fired up. Like they’re gonna start World War 3 and I tell them, guys, guys, you need to calm down. And they stop. And you know, it’s a funny thing. A man in the Pakistani government, a very important man, he says, Mr President you know you just saved the world?

Can you imagine that? And that was this year!

Romania and Agrabah. Who even remembers that? They’re killing each other for years. It’s been going on for years. Really brutal. 2 million dead in a week, and they’re like, help us we can’t stop! And the world is like, we don’t know how to stop this!

And then I call them up and I say, it’s Donald. Let’s make a deal. And they made the deal. And now they’re happy. So happy. It’s beautiful. And the Prince of Agrabah. Prince Aladdin. He says, Donald you have the heart of a lion. It’s true. I’m not boasting. I’m a modest guy.

And you didn’t give me the prize for that. But it’s ok. I don’t feel bad. I’m pleased to be here in Hamburg.

But when I think of the wars I stopped you could’ve thanked me for. So many. Democratic Republic of Rwanda. I stopped it. Korea. Stopped. Genghis Khan. I called him and he picks up. I say, Genghis, let’s build some casinos. And the Mongols just went back home.

China should be grateful. Europe should be grateful.

You think Confunctius could do that? Even Winston Churchill couldn’t do that.

And you know how I can do this? Because I’m strong. America is strong. Iran’s building nukes. The Mullahs are gonna wipe out Israel. We send some B2 bombers. Beautiful planes. Boom! Totally obliterated the entire program. It’s the greatest thing. Tren de Aragua? They’re eating the dogs and they’re sending fentanyl and it’s killing us. Five million Americans dead last year.

Boom! We smoke a few of their boats. Fentanyl boats. Enough fentanyl in one of those boats to kill two million Americans. And we blow ‘em out of the water, and now they don’t go fishing anymore, and I can’t blame them! I wouldn’t!

We change the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America and the cartels stop. No more drugs in America. It’s beautiful. When you’re strong, people respect you.

It’s what I told Secretary Hegseth. It’s what I said to my generals. You see the boats and you take ‘em out. It’s what I tell ICE. Someone gets in your way, you do whatever you need to do.

Because it’s war out there. Even in America. It’s bad. Really bad. Our cities were out of control.

Los Angeles, Washington, Chicago, Portland. They were war zones. Total anarchy. Worse than Gaza. They got Molotovs. They got snipers on the roofs. Antifa is killing our people. Democrats are running wild. The cops won’t let Kristi use the restroom. A guy in a chicken suit staring her down. It’s worse than ISIS. Moms can’t take their kids to school. They’ve got machine guns and barricades, they’re cooking the dogs and it’s awful.

In Portland they’re dressed up like frogs. Frogtifa, they call themselves. And you can’t see their faces, so you don’t know they are. Maybe Hezbollah. Maybe Tren de Aragua. You just don’t know.

It’s hell. They’re jumping up and down. They’re making frog sounds and dancing and terrorising our officers, and the people are begging me for help. So I send in the soldiers and it stops. Antifa is gone. The frogs are gone. People are walking their dogs again. It’s beautiful. So beautiful.

Did I get a peace prize for that? You know the answer. You know what my friend Vladimir says - and he knows a lot about peace - this award has lost credibility.

But hey, I don’t hold a grudge. I love you guys and I’m thrilled to be here in Holland. And you should be thrilled too. And Gaza should be grateful. The Palestinians should be grateful. Because I called ‘em up. I call up Hamas in the tunnels and he picks up, and I said you gotta take the deal. You give up your guns and you take the deal.

If you don’t take the deal, Israel is gonna keep killing your people and we’re gonna keep giving them the bombs to do it. And he says ok, ok.

And then I call up Bibi, I said take the win, and he took it.

That was me. No one else did that. Not Sleepy Joe Biden who couldn’t walk down the stairs. Not Barack Hussein Obama who wasn’t even born in the USA. Not the European Union or the Arab League or the United Communist Nations.

But me. And what do the fake news say? Epstein, Epstein. Epstein, Epstein, Epstein. Even though I hardly knew the guy. I met him at a party one time and I’m out here saving the Middle East and that’s all they can talk about?

But it’s so great that you give me the prize. Though really, I shouldn’t have had to beg for it. I called up NATO. I said Jens, get me the peace prize. I told Keir, and Georgia, and Manny, get me that prize or its tariffs for you, baby.

I called up Alfred Nobel at the Danish Academy. I said, you owe me, Alfred. Big time.

I said to Bibi, you owe me. And I told the president, give that guy a pardon. Give everybody a pardon! Because he’s done so much for Israel. And so much for Gaza.

And the Israelis owe me. Hamas owe me too. And the Palestinians owe me. Because now they can go back to their rubble that we helped create. They can eat, as long as they exile the wicked forces of hatred in their midst. And if they don’t, there are plenty more bombs where the others came from! And the ones that still have arms and legs, they can work in my casinos.

But the best thing about all this? The rest of the world can just forget it ever happened. Put it all behind you. Because who wants to think about that? Who wants to watch that on tv every night? Now you don’t have to. And like Keir says, that’s down to me. Go me. Yay me.

And we’re gonna get that rubble cleared, we’re gonna build some beautiful things in Gaza. Right on the waterside, it’s gonna be so great. Atlantic City, eat your heart out. We’re going to make money. So much money. Jared. Tony. Muhammad and Aladdin. The Palestinian Authority. They’re all gonna make so much money, because they took the deal.

Sleepy Joe Biden didn’t do that. Guy didn’t know what a deal was. The European Union didn’t do it. NATO didn’t do it. The Eurovision Song Contest couldn’t do it.

3,000 years of war and nobody else could do this but me.

And so I wanna thank Sweden for giving me this award. I wanna thank Maria for thanking me. Don’t worry Maria, we’ll keep on smoking those boats and we’ll be coming to Caracas very soon! I wanna thank Bibi - he did so much to make this happen. I wanna thank the IDF - bravest army the world has ever seen.

Because you know, America makes some beautiful bombs. Bibi was always calling me up and saying, we need this bomb, we need that one. Weapons I didn’t even know we had!

But it takes people that know how to use them — and Israel obviously used them very well. So many that Israel became strong and powerful, which ultimately led to peace. That’s what led to peace. So I wanna thank our bombs. Because if it wasn’t for them, we wouldn’t have peace.

But you know most of all, I wanna thank me. Because if it wasn’t for me, none of this would have happened. So thank you me. Go me. You saved the world. Isn’t that fantastic? And I think every country in the world should celebrate this every year with a holiday.

They should call it Trump Day. Why the hell not? Make it a happy happy day for everyone forever and ever.

Blessed are the deal makers.

Blessed are the peacemakers.

It’s a beautiful world.

So beautiful.

God bless America.

STRAINS OF YMCA. STANDING OVATION.

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