There is an art, recently given an actual name, explained to me by one of my daughters, and universally practiced by siblings and office mates throughout history. It is the art of dry snitching. Simply put, this is the ability to tattle without actually tattling. Here is a classic comparison of snitching and dry snitching. Note the subtle nuances:

Snitching: Mom, Johnny smoked a cigarette.

Dry Snitching: Mom, Johnny looks so grown-up when he smokes. I bet people who see him think he’s so much older.

Snitching: Dad, Becky had her boyfriend over while you were gone.

Dry Snitching: Becky’s boyfriend told the funniest joke when he was her the other night while she was babysitting us.

Snitching: I’m almost afraid to tell you. You’re going to be so mad. Sarah got a tattoo.

Dry Snitching: Sarah’s tattoo looks great with her hot new halter-top.

This last example illustrates a bonus dry snitch. In a single second, Tom put a halt to Sarah’s life as she knows it. While Tom gets extra snaps for subtly pointing out two infractions in the same simple statement, he will probably lose a sister in the bargain. This kind of double whammy often ends up in the dry snitched sibling turning state’s evidence against the perpetrator of the statement and the resulting regurgitation of unsolicited information can render event he strongest parental units looking somewhat like the subject of Edvard Munch’s The Scream, in a state of utter shock and despair, wondering where exactly they were when all of this youthful pandemonium was occurring. Kids, don’t try this at home!

Before you conclude that dry snitching is something only for youth, read on:

Snitching: Al, I saw your wife, Betty, down at the bar. She was hanging on some young stud.

Dry Snitching: Al, I didn’t know Betty had any relatives in town. I saw her with what must have been her nephew down at the bar. They appear to have a very close relationship.

Snitching: Alice, Jake just spent a fortune at the hardware store. My husband saw him and he said it looked like he spent about 6-months salary on new man toys.

Dry Snitching: Alice, you must have landed that big account! It was so sweet of you to let Jake spend it on man toys. There can’t be a penny of that commission left. My husband saw him and said he had the biggest grin on his face. What a good wife you are!

This is not an art to be practiced by the detail un-oriented or the meek or clumsy. It is a polished and refined craft that is only to be utilized by the very best tattlers. Stay out of deep waters if you can’t swim with the sharks. Either that, or make sure you have an arsenal of incriminating accusations that you can retaliate with in case the tables are turned back on you. Or, you could just . . . play nice.