It’s October 2025, and I’m watching my flatmate package human faeces into matchboxes. This isn’t fiction, this isn’t a fever dream, no, this is just a Saturday in London.

Six months ago, if you’d told me that Google DeepMind’s breakthroughs in protein folding would lead to a coprophagy epidemic sweeping through universities and schools, I’d have laughed at you for such a bizarre and absurd claim, for your conspiratorial boomer take. But here we are! Nobody’s fucking laughing. Not me at least.

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