Philadelphia, PA - In a stunning turn of events, the notorious private military contractor, Blackwater, took control of Philadelphia today, demanding the immediate resignation of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. The group, known for its controversial operations in conflict zones, launched a daring assault on the city, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake.

The heavily armed mercenaries, equipped with advanced weaponry and military-grade vehicles, swiftly overwhelmed local law enforceme...