My friend is going through a lot right now but she still thoughtfully gifted me a tarot reading for my birthday. I’m not sure how people manage to hold so much in their heads…menopause has certainly compromised my memory and I don’t even have that much to remember! I make lists and that usually keeps me on track. Still, the move last weekend was chaotic and my appointment at the visa center yesterday didn’t go as planned. The holiday on Tuesday delayed the wire transfer after Monday’s closing but I tried to stay calm and things worked out. Then this morning the buyer made post-sale demands and I felt myself spiraling…I know it’s largely due to fatigue but it was helpful to hear some truths affirmed in my reading. My tarot reader focused on my number for the year, which is 9 or The Hermit in the Major Arcana. We started with a different deck, which showed a fox resting in a starlit circle. Owen, who’s fantastic, reminded me that the hermit can represent a kind of tension—movement inward and outward in a cycle. I’ve been feeling for a long time that I wanted to retreat—experience deep solitude and silence. I’m reading about Irish monasteries right now and remembering my visit to Glendalough last year. My cousin joked about hermits forsaking all worldly possessions and I definitely wished I were a medieval monk last weekend as I was chucking my stuff into garbage bags because it wouldn’t all fit in my suitcases. I hate waste and gave SO much away but there was still stuff leftover…I wound up throwing some things in the trash, which felt terrible. I also rented a storage unit and couldn’t even fill it but those few boxes now feel like a tether. I’m leaving but I’ll have to come back to deal with those things someday, which means I’m not really free. THINGS! Ugh…

The hermit in tarot also travels by limited light so I ought to take small steps even though what I want right now is to leap into a new life. Transition is hard…I manage my anxiety by keeping an orderly home and following a routine but I feel unsettled in this Airbnb. And if my application takes 3 weeks to process (apparently they’re prioritizing student visas right now) then I’ll have to find another place to stay next week. I’m still writing a poem a day, I’m trying to read for an hour, I’m checking things off my To Do list and I’ve got folks reaching out who want to connect before I leave. When I try to withdraw, the world pulls me out of my cave. But I’ll always crave that solitude, even as I yield to others’ demands, which are ultimately good for me most of the time. I had a virtual author visit last night, and I’ve got another one next week. A librarian reached out about a virtual visit later this month…I’m trying to say “yes” as much as I can, to keep making connections with others even as I give myself the restorative, quiet time I need. Here’s hoping that the next blog post is from France!