Stress, as we’ve been talking about recently, is like exercise in many ways. They both make us stronger – stress builds mental fitness and strength and exercise build physical fitness and strength. They both, for most of us, feel… pretty awful, and are easier to avoid than engage in. And they are both useful tools to getting the life we want. But there is one place that this analogy really breaks down. You really only exercise if you choose to do that. 

Some stress you choose. 

A promotion, a new job, a new responsibility. Plans, or a new friend or volunteer work. Adopting a pet or growing your family or moving to a new city.

But some stress chooses you. 

A parking ticket or broken window or power outage. A stomach bug or a co-worker who quits. A bad relationship or a bad diagnosis. 

All change is stressful and not all stress is bad – but some is. And that bad stress can make us feel directionless, helpless, hopeless. If you’re in that space, I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way, it feels terrible and it’s not fair. 

It’s also not true.

Feelings are real, but they’re not facts. And (in the wise words of my late mom, z”l) if you’re still breathing, you have options. So even though some stress was not your choice, came from a source you’d never choose, that feeling that there is nothing you can do is not true. 

Neurochemically, the answer when you feel completely swamped by change is to remind yourself of something you can choose. Whether it’s a very, very small choice like if you’re going to sit down or stand up, or a really big choice like if you’re going to quit or fire someone or end a relationship or do chemotherapy or write a will or plant a tree or or or… you have choices. Reminding your brain that you have choices lights up a portion of the brain (the ventromedial prefrontal cortex) that soothes the amygdala. That calms your threat response and makes you feel safer. 

Or, in the words of Albus Dumbledore to Harry Potter, 

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”

What choices have you made that reminded you of who you really are?

All the best,

Dr. G

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