I have to admit: out of all the Gospel accounts, the one written by John is my least favorite.

As a Type-A person, I tend to gravitate to Luke’s account (an account he himself describes as “orderly”–my kind of writing!) But that’s not to say John’s is bad, by any means. It, as with all the others, has its merits, as each Gospel was written to a specific audience for a specific purpose. So, if you’re trying to draw a link between Jesus and the prophecies He fulfilled, John would be especially helpful. Yet, still, I struggle with it.

But one particular aspect of the Book of John always gave me a particular jolt: in it, John repeatedly refers to himself as “the disciple whom Jesus loved.” In fact, John uses the term five times when alluding to himself: when he and the others were reclining around the table with Jesus, discussing His eventual betrayal by one of the disciples (John 13:23); when John is standing at the foot of the cross with some of the women, watching Jesus’s agonizing death (John 19:26); when revealing to whom Mary told the news of the empty tomb (John 20:2); when the disciples saw the Risen Jesus from the boat (John 21:7); and when Jesus is restoring Peter (John 21:20).

Each time I read John’s Gospel, I wrestle with this terminology, trying to discern his rationale behind using it. The first few times, it made me chuckle, as I perceived a little bit of showmanship and arrogance. After all, this is the same disciple who just HAD to include the notation that he beat Peter to the tomb when the two of them ran there to investigate Mary’s report (John 20:4). Using the phrase “the disciple whom Jesus loved” seemed a bit of posturing, perhaps a way of elevating his status above the rest of Jesus’s followers. It made John seem both childish and endearingly human.

Another possibility for including this moniker was fear, a theory put forth by some biblical scholars. They believed John may have been afraid of reprisals during the rise of persecution that arose against Christians. This theory never made any sense to me as John, as opposed to all the other disciples, does not show the same level of fear towards authorities, as evidenced by his presence not only at the cross, but also at Jesus’s trial, where it is revealed he was known by the high priest and, as such, would have been easily recognizable (yet does not shrink away).

But, the last time I read John’s account, something else struck me:

Perhaps, just perhaps, John refers to himself as “the disciple whom Jesus loved” because that’s how he saw himself. No matter what sort of labels or names society or culture tried to put on him, John recognized his core identity as resting on the love Jesus had for him.

It wasn’t arrogance.

It wasn’t fear.

It was surrender.

No more was he a fisherman. No more was he a “son of thunder.” In Jesus, he had been changed from the inside out.

He was a disciple whom Jesus loved.

Oh, what confidence to be able to name yourself as such!

When I’m asked about who I am, I usually say “Oh, I’m a writer.” Or I’m a wife. Or I’m a mother. I very rarely, if ever, name my identity as it really is: a child of God.

One whom Jesus loves.

How much different would my life look if I did? How much different would I look?

So, yes, I still prefer Luke’s Gospel account. But the humble confidence in which John names himself in his has given me something to aspire to: to be so rooted and entrenched in Jesus’s love for me that it forms the core part of my identity. Because it does, whether I acknowledge it or not.

So, friend, go boldly into the world today with this reminder:

You are the one whom Jesus loves.