Dear Conservative Brethren:

It has come to my attention that you do not like rainbow flags or pink-and-blue trans flags.

When I ask you why those flags trigger you so much, you usually respond that you’re tired of having the LGBTQ lifestyle “shoved in your face” or “shoved down your throat,” or some other phrase that involves shoving things into other things.

When a teacher chooses to display a rainbow flag, you say things like, “Kids shouldn’t be exposed to sexuality at that age,” or “Teachers shouldn’t be indoctrinating kids into the gay lifestyle.”

Here’s the thing — normal folks don’t see rainbow flags and then start running gay or trans porn in our heads. We see rainbow flags and we smile because we know our LGBTQ friends and family are supported. When we see rainbow flags at a bar or coffee shop, we know our LGBTQ friends and family are safe in that establishment.

Rainbows are happy and joyful. When we see rainbow flags, we are happy and joyful.

Apparently when you see rainbow flags, you are incapable of NOT thinking about “the gay lifestyle” — i.e. gay sex — which is why you don’t want your kids seeing them, because you think your kids will also think about gay sex, and horror of horrors, they might LIKE IT.

This is bonkers thinking.

If the sight of rainbow flags makes you think about boy-on-boy or girl-on-girl sex, or transgender folks having sex with… whomever, then maybe you need to explore those thoughts and feelings in more depth, because it seems like you have something to work out.

And if you want to talk about flags and feelings, when I see your Gasden flags or your Confederate flags, all I can assume is you’re an uneducated, unread fool who hates our constitution.

But I sure as hell don’t think about what you do with your fool naked body or whom you do it with, nor would I ever want to.

So maybe take a beat before you out yourself as a pervert if you’re triggered by rainbow flags. You’ll save yourself some embarrassment.

Amber Fraley is the author of the hilarious college coming-of-age tale The Bug Diary , as well as the author of the viral essay Gen X Will Not Go Quietly . Now out is my new essay collection Kansas GenExistential !

If Rainbow Flags Make You Think of LGBTQ sex was originally published in Bouncin’ and Behavin’ Fuckery on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.