A friend recently told me he stopped following the news. “I realized that it just made me anxious and angry, partly because that’s what it’s designed to do, I guess, but also because it’s usually stuff I can’t do anything about.” He was talking about the national news, specifically the political genre, aka news you can’t use. I prefer news you can use, which is why I opt for local news. The local news has weather, sports, and if you’re lucky, a car chase. I love car chases! In a perfect world, there would be a car chase in Los Angeles every night, and Will Ferrell would reprise his Ron Burgundy role from Anchorman to do play-by-play and color commentary.

There weren’t any car chases when Christina and I watched the local news the other night, but there was a compelling item about a naked man menacing people in our old neighborhood. Unfortunately, local news is ad-supported, so before we got to that story we had endure commercials for Jack in the Box; an online pharmacy that specializes in GLP1s, hair loss treatments, and erectile dysfunction; a car dealership that will finance anyone; and the upcoming All Valley Karate Tournament. Just kidding. The All Valley Karate Tournament was disbanded after Daniel LaRusso obliterated Johnny Lawrence with an illegal kick to the face — a scandal that resulted in a hard-hitting local news exposé about an unlicensed karate dojo operated by a maintenance man out of his Reseda home.

Eventually, we got to the story about the naked man. Ring Doorbell footage — what else? — captured the naked man banging on doors and generally raising hell on a quiet residential street. The details were fuzzy, but basically banging on doors turned to threatening people. At some point, a 79-year-old Vietnam veteran said he heard screaming next door. He grabbed his handgun and went outside to confront the naked man. He told the naked man to leave, then threatened to call the police. Details from the story were a little unclear, but it sounded like the Vietnam veteran brandished his weapon, but did not point it at the naked man. Regardless, in the next instant, the naked man lunged at the veteran, picked him up, and body-slammed him into the cement, breaking the veteran’s collarbone and leg. The veteran lost control of the gun in the struggle, but as the naked man continued his assault, the veteran regained control of his gun and fatally shot his assailant in the head.

After nailing down the Five Ws, more or less, the local news broadcast moved to the hospital, where the veteran, George, was broken, beaten, but otherwise in good spirits. He explained that it had been decades since he used the gun, implying that the weapon of war last saw action in the war. The local news showed a picture of George standing next to a chopper in Vietnam. They didn’t say what George did in the war, but from the way he handled himself, I’m going to guess that he was in the shit.

The story shifted to George’s recovery. He’d already had surgery to repair a broken tibia and fibula, and it sounded like more surgeries were ahead, followed by an agonizing stint in rehab. As someone who broke his tibia and fibula and has thirteen screws in his body to prove it, I knew George’s recovery would be rough. I was 34 when I broke my leg. At 79, I’m told, everything is more difficult, especially healing. I was thinking about the pain George must be feeling when the woman by his side caught my attention.

“Holy shit! I know her. She’s in my yoga class.”

“You know her?” Christina asked.

I paused the television to take a closer look.

“Yeah, I think that’s her. I don’t know her name, but I’ve practiced next to her for years. We always say hello, and sometimes we chat while we’re warming up.”

The next day I went to yoga. I asked one of the teachers if she had seen the local news.

“No, I never watch the local news, unless it’s raining.”

It rarely rains in LA, but we agreed that when it does our local news shines.

“I saw a story last night that I think is connected to someone we practice with.”

I described the woman from the story.

“Oh yeah, you’re talking about Lily.”

“Right, Lily.”

I told her about George, the naked man, and the deadly result of their confrontation.

“Oh my god.”

She got up from her mat, went to her cubby, and grabbed her phone.

“I’m going to text her.”

She fired off a text to Lily, then switched her phone to silent mode. It was time for class.

I did my best to stay present, but I kept thinking about George and Lily. I also thought about lunch, the fucked up state of the world, and the fact that the Raiders never seem to run out of ways to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Once your mind starts wondering, it’s hard to stop it. Maybe that’s why, as soon as class was over, I asked if Lily had texted back.

“Yeah, you were right, Michael. It was Lily.”

“Fuck.”

“This is really bad.”

We talked about George and Lily for bit, then the conversation drifted back to the attack. We hit all the usual talking points:

What was the world coming to? Neither one of us knew.

Was the man mentally ill? It sure seemed like it.

Homeless? That was a good guess.

A senseless tragedy? Yes, but do any tragedies make sense?

Was crime on the rise? Statistically, no, not really. But that’s the vibe these days.

“I don’t like guns,” she said. “Actually, I hate guns, and I think they should be illegal, but I’m glad George had a gun. That guy body-slammed a 79-year-old man. He could’ve killed George.”

“I know, it’s fucked up.”

“Totally fucked up.”

When I got home, I told Christina about my conversation in yoga.

“I donated to the GoFundMe,” I said.

“This is insane. She could’ve lost her husband.”

“I know. Imagine surviving a war, and some fuck-stick body-slams you in your own driveway.”

“Thank god he had a gun,” Christina said. “We gotta get a gun.”

Christina and I don’t own a gun. She wants one, but I said she needed to complete a training and safety class first. She agreed, but hasn’t gotten around to it yet. This makes me happy, because I don’t want a gun in the house. I’m anti-gun. Without getting too deep into the weeds, I’m OK with some guns, with some common sense laws. But I think the kinds of guns Second Amendment types are (pun intended) most fired up about should be banned. Also, unless they’re part of a “well-regulated militia,” those Second Amendment types are totally full of shit.

Which brings me to the funny part. Not haha-funny, more like unsettling-funny. A pro-gun meme straight outta the culture war proved correct in this situation. George was the good guy with a gun.

Help George and Lily, if you can

There’s a GoFundMe for George. If you want to chip in a few bucks, I’m sure they can use the help. Here’s the link.

Amateur tip: GoFundMe is a for-profit company that automatically sets its tip at 16.5%. That tip is optional, and you can reduce, or increase it, by moving the slider.

A funny mystery novel where the killing makes sense, more or less

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IAUA: I ask, you answer

How fucked up is this story? Don’t hold back.

Where do you find news you can use? Explain.

Given the staggering amount of footage they’re sitting on, what’s stopping Amazon, the company that owns Ring, from starting their own user-generated true crime show? Bonus: What should they call the show?

Do you live in a country that bans guns, or has common sense gun laws? Share your story!

What’s stopping Christina from taking a firearms training and safety course? Wrong answers encouraged.

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