This year is a year of firsts... it was my first year without my mother. We had Easter dinner at her house, our last holiday in that house after 32 years of holidays in that house... but Easter was too close to when I lost her, and at a few points during dinner I had to excuse myself to go into her bedroom and smell her pillows to feel her close to me.

Thanksgiving would be the first holiday ever at my house... after 5 years of owning this house, we were hosting a holiday. So I threw myself into making every single thing perfect.

I know I overdid everything in my quest for perfection... I knew I would do that this whole year because it was my distraction from no longer having my mother. I threw myself 100% into every single thing I did. I put up a pergola, made a firepit, put up a pool and expanded my gardens over the spring and summer.

For Thanksgiving we took down a wall to my dining room and brought my mother's China cabinet home. I purchased bone China, new silverware, water glasses, had wine glasses made from stained glass in Croatia and shipped to me... I spent days unpacking everything and finding the perfect place for it... the room is beautiful.

I started preparing food on Sunday when I pulled the turkey out to defrost, had a couple of last minute deliveries and made my list for Trader Joe's on Tuesday. On Tuesday morning, I made a brine for the turkey with dashi and yuzu... this was my first turkey ever because my mother always cooked for every holiday and didn't let anyone in her little kitchen!

Tuesday night we went to Trader Joe's for all the makings of a charcuterie board. When we came home I started cooking the lasagna my husband had requested and baked 2 pumpkin pies and an apple crumb pie.

Do you see a pattern here? I kept busy from morning until night in all the days leading up to Thanksgiving... because I didn't want to think about my loss...

It was probably a bad plan, even though Thanksgiving went perfectly... we had 12 people around my table and everyone ate until they were stuffed. I have rheumatoid arthritis, and all I wished for in the week leading up to Thanksgiving was no rain... so of course it rained plenty!

By the time I sat down on Thanksgiving my feet were so swollen they hurt from touching the floor when I was sitting down, and my back was spasming almost constantly... what I didn't have was a nervous breakdown, which is what I was most worried about.

I was surrounded by things that were my mother's and they were somehow comforting. Loss is a funny thing... it hits you in waves and then ebbs away slowly. The moments you are most afraid of facing aren't as bad as you think they will be, but the small moments you don't even realize might be a problem ambush you and leave you crumpled on the floor in tears.

I miss my mother endlessly... I miss her while I drink my coffee in the morning because there is no good morning text with a funny gif. I miss her when I vacuum my house with the very expensive vacuum she bought me because it was only 4 pounds and I could use it myself. I miss her when I am watching TV and someone says any variation of "mother".

My mother taught me almost everything I needed to get through life, but she never taught me how to do it without her... and now I guess she is watching while I figure it out. I try not to have breakdowns because I always have it in my mind that she is watching, and she was always so proud of my strength... but sometimes I catch myself crying randomly, only for a minute but full, heavy tears, the kind that come directly from your soul. I allow it briefly because that emotion needs an outlet, but then I get up and find something to do.

It has been a rough year... a heavy year... and a lonely year. It is partially my own fault, I hate to dump on others, and my emotions aren't always stabilized yet... not that I am crazy, I am just sad. This time last year we were getting ready for the last Christmas we would spend with my mother, and we had no idea. On Christmas Eve, she told us we needed to start making our own traditions... almost like SHE knew, and maybe she did.

Usually for Thanksgiving, I list all the things I am grateful for... and even though I am sad, I have to admit I have a good life, and I am eternally grateful.

If this is the first Christmas season you are spending without someone you love, immerse yourself in the whole thing... I am putting up FIVE Christmas trees, and celebrating Yule. I am decorating every inch of my house that I can... I will be baking all month... I will make sure that if my mother is watching, I make her proud.