The phone rang enough times to convince me that no one was going to pick up. I was about to disconnect when a computerized voice answered.

CDS HOTLINE MESSAGE: Cat Distribution System Hotline. Congratulations. You have been chosen. This call may be recorded for training purposes and quality prevention. Please listen carefully as our options have changed, even though no one remembers what they were before. Press 1 or stay on the line to contribute to the large language model for the Cat Distribution System Hotline AI. Press 2 to leave a message at the tone. It will be ignored. Press 3 to speak with a human - if you absolutely must. Press 4 to be disconnected and have a day. Press 5 to have these instructions repeated more slowly if you're a dog owner.

I smiled at option 5. It was the kind of snarky remark one might expect, considering the source. I pressed 3 and waited through several more rings before a human voice responded.

CDS: CDS Hotline. How did you get this number?

ME: I pressed 3.

CDS: No, before that.

ME: I got it out of a comment on a Bigfoot enthusiast's Facebook page.

CDS: Thank you. That will be corrected going forward. We've warned them about information leakage on that account. Now. What do you want? Not that it matters.

ME: A kitten followed us home during a walk in the neighborhood.

CDS: Congratulations. You have been chosen. Thank you for calli-

ME: Wait! We already had a sufficiency of cats.

CDS: A sufficiency, you say? [There was a pause.] Our records show that you have two prior residents...Katniss and Serling. Two is a pair, sir, not a sufficiency.

ME: I'd call three an over abundance.

CDS: You're entitled to your opinion, sir. Are you dissatisfied with the selection?

ME: I told you. We didn't make any selection; she did. She was literally underfoot for a good quarter mile - all the way back to the house. She would not be discouraged.

CDS: Yes, our agents report that she can be persistent.

ME: Your agents?

CDS: Your prior residents.

ME: And these...agents reported this to you?

CDS: They did.

ME: These are the cats that sleep 18 hours a day? Those agents?

CDS: They do a lot with the remaining six hours, sir.

ME: Besides eating and using the litter box.

CDS: Obviously. It's all about time management.

ME: And now we have three of these resident agents.

CDS: You're catching on, sir.

ME: Just out of curiosity, what kinds of things do these agents report to you?

CDS: I'm not at liberty to say.

ME: Of course not.

CDS: I can reveal that we know that you've named your new resident Dora and that she's the sole lap cat in the household. She's playful, affectionate, and curious. Did you name her after Dora the Explorer?

ME: Uh, sure.

CDS: Trick question. Try again, sir. We know.

ME: Fine. It's because she's...adorable. There. I said it.

CDS: Admission is always the first step, sir. And we also see that Dora has already been checked out by a vet, vaccinated, and spayed. Very responsible. This adds to your already admirable CDS Credit Rating for accommodating Serling's special needs.

ME: His what?

CDS: Serling is deaf. Your wife noticed it very early.

ME: Oh, that. Well, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't listen even if he could hear. It's hard to tell with cats.

CDS: I'll just pretend you didn't say that.

ME: It's not like we've all taken up ASL for him.

CDS: I'm sure that's your story, sir.

ME: I do have a question.

CDS: You can ask.

ME: Surely, you must know that Dora's not going anywhere now.

CDS: You said you had a question.

ME: Is there any way for us to be passed over for future...distributions?

CDS: We can make no such guarantees, sir.

ME: But you did mention our high CDS Credit Score.

CDS: True but irrelevant.

ME: Then what's the point of the rating?

CDS: Sir, were you or were you not offered a short haired, black and white puppy in the jelly aisle at HEB last week?

ME: [I paused, considering the implications.] You wouldn't.

CDS: Oh, absolutely not. We don't deal with dogs.

ME: That's a relief.

CDS: But we know people who do.

ME: I withdraw the question.

CDS: Excellent choice, sir. Are we done here? I am.

ME: Absolutely.

There was a click and the line went silent. I set my cell phone down on the desk and swiveled in my home office chair, thinking I needed more coffee.

All three resident agents were sitting in the room looking at me.

"Maybe we should talk," Serling signed to me in ASL.

To be continued...