Like more than 38% of Canadians aged 20 and up, I have some hearing loss. Some of it, I’ve had since birth: I have never been able to hear certain high tones with one ear. The rest of it is cumulative damage (thanks, high school cafeteria speakers) and age. It’s minor, but annoying enough that I wanted to address it. And therein lies a saga.

First, the visit to the hearing clinic.

Me: Hi, my name is…

Clerk: WELCOME TO OUR HEARING CLINIC. ARE YOU NEW OR RETURNING?

Me: (wincing) I’m new, thanks and—

Clerk: YOU WILL NEED TO FILL OUT THIS INTAKE FORM.

Me: (speaking more quietly, hoping he’ll get the hint) Great and I would like—

Clerk: YOU CAN FIND A PEN IN THIS JAR.

Me: Okay, but there’s no need to shout—

Clerk: AND ARE YOU OVER FORTY?

Me: Yes, and I’m trying to—

Clerk: (very slowly now). OKAY. THE. WAITING. CHAIRS. ARE. JUST. BEHIND. YOU.

Later, I get locked in a soundproof booth with equipment that looks like it hasn’t been updated since the 1970s. It is hot and stuffy, and a bored audiologist and I spend the better part of an hour doing the audio equivalent of reading an eye chart. The only saving grace is that she isn’t shouting at me or assuming I’m well down the path to senility. At long last, I exit the booth.

Audiologist: You have hearing loss.

Me: Yes, I figured, so—

Audiologist: These are your options.

She places exactly one pamphlet in front of me. For one brand of hearing aids.

Me: (opening my water bottle for a drink) And how much are these?

Audiologist: $6000.

Me: (spewing water everywhere) Are you serious? A brand new iPhone, with GPS, camera, video, email, chat, games… costs less than $2000.

Audiologist: …

Me: …

Audiologist: They come in different colours now.

She did go on to explain that the total included set up and ‘programming,’ as well as service ‘if I needed it’ for the next five years.

Me: Ah, so is there as a pay-for-service-as-needed option?

Audiologist: …

Me: Right, so, do you offer any other brands?

Audiologist: …

After grumbling on social media, I was told to check out a certain warehouse chain. Much cheaper, they said. It will be fun, they said.

Me, on the phone: Hi, I have an audiologist’s report and—

Clerk: Can’t use it.

Me: I just got it this week and—

Clerk: Can’t use it.

Me: But—

Clerk: You’ll have to come in and get a new exam.

Me: Okay, but I live an hour and a half away and this is—

Clerk: Can’t use it.

Me: (pinching the bridge of my nose) Okay fine, but then I should be able to pick up the hearing aids that day, right?

Clerk: …

Me: No?

Clerk: (audibly chewing food, probably a hot dog) No. Gotta order them in.

Me: But… you’re a warehouse? A giant warehouse famous for being… warehouse-y. You stock giant skeleton decorations. Massive hunks of beef. Advent calendars that are taller than my teenager. You don’t keep teeny tiny hearing aids in stock?

Clerk: …

Me: So… an hour and a half there and back, an hour for exam, wait for them to come in, and another hour and a half both ways.

Clerk: …

Me: (opening my water bottle for another drink) How long from order to availability?

Clerk: Three to six weeks. Usually.

Me: (spewing water everywhere) Are you serious?

Clerk: …

Me: …

Clerk: They come in different colours now.

Now here’s the thing, folks. I understand that audiology is a science, and I appreciate the value of expertise. I get that speech processing and battery heat management are things you have to spend research and development time on.

But holy canolli, that’s expensive.

I will eventually find a pair at a more reasonable price and which doesn’t involve multiple treks to another city in the middle of winter. Because I have the means to do so. But these kinds of prices and availabilities put them out of reach for a lot of people, and that costs society as a whole a ton, because hearing health is mental health.

Wait, you say! Free market solutions will fix it! Look at how the glasses industry got disrupted! Well, yes and no. Online glasses vendors are cheaper to start with, but by the time you add all the coatings and necessary doodads, the price at the cart isn’t heaps better than it used to be. Kinda like when you try to book a cheap flight and find out that, you know, air in the cabin is extra.

And I can just imagine the results if some tech dudebro, aged 22, decided to disrupt the hearing aid industry: we’ll get subscription based-hearing aids that just happen to eavesdrop on your conversations to send your consumer data to the social media platforms to trigger ads. Or worse, you’ll have to listen to ads every hour in order to have the hearing aids. Or worse still, if you miss a payment, they’ll be disabled remotely and, well, too bad you’ll lose your job that depends on hearing too.

So, this is something we should all be talking about, to our governments.*

Because for an industry based on hearing, the players don’t seem very good at listening.

* US readers, I see you, and know that you have bigger issues. https://www.standwithminnesota.com/

Visit the blog at Hearing things.