"Insidious..... describes something harmful .....often appearing harmless at first. It implies a subtle, long-term, and cumulative negative effect." Meriman / Webster 

I'm making this post to share my real experiences with something that's very difficult to explain or describe in a way that others might gain some understanding of "what" this truly is. This had been going on in my family of origin for my entire life, so it's definitely a contunation from past generations starting with my mom's mom ( my grandmother ), then to my mom ( my mother ), and now to my two sister's ( the only family I have left )ie: my siblings.

The key components are:

It never changes. After 68 years of life...it's still going on with little to no change.

It's repetitive ( ad nausium )  The wording my vary, but the words always say the same thing. The "message " is clear, regardless of how it's presented.

The message itself, is repeated from person to person....they may say it differently but the message never changes. Same message, different person, different words. 

In context...what the message is really saying in the fewest words possible: "I reject your reality...and substitute my own."  Will...or being "strong willed" is also a secondary key component in relation to my own family system. I'm also strong willed so that fits right into my family itself.

 Unfortunately, my will is different, than my sister's ( the one in question ), who's more aligned with my mother's ( deseaced ) and my others sisters....which makes me odd man out.  Herin lies the problem.

So here's the current iteration, of this life long problem. My experience that is.

I've had numerous talks with my sister about my current situation. In every instance the talks end up exactly the same. I tell her "what I'm doing" ....she tells me what ..."I should be doing instead." Not only does this feel invalidating...I feel like it's a waste of tike an effort to even have the conversation in the first place. This echoes strongly with my experience my mother....but of course.

With my mom, it got to a point in the conversation where'd I'd go; "well, okay mom, this is what I'm doing right now this very minute, so, I'm leaving, to go do this thing, just like I said..."  and I'd just put my eyes forward and my virtual fingers in my ears, and literally ignore her ( with intention ) and walk out the door...usually, to friends waiting in the driveway, come to pick me up.

My friends later told me,  after my mom died, said " yeah, you should have seen the look on your moms face, it was like the last time she was ever going to see you. And you...you were totally oblivious...completely tuned out."

Fact is, I was far from "tuned out". I was trying to escape ( I was the escape artist of the family ) and I'd learned every avenue available to me at the time. My head down, eyes forward, virtually fingers in my ears ( lalalalalalala ) was sometimes my only way to pass thru the gauntlet. It was necessary in order to just get out of the door becaus of the relentless nature of "the loop" in the conversation. 

 This had nothing to do with being " lost in my head "...and everything to do with escape !  With intention....it was a strategy of sorts. 

So now, fast forward about 60 years...and my adult self, experiencing this again with my adult sister. I cannot express, just how  exhausting and tiring this has become after that many years with it. Different person, different wording....but the pattern remains intact....as it's always been.

So what's the pattern ?

Here's how it's playing out now, in my own experience with it. This happened just the other day in a phone conversation... just for  context.

I must have told my sister, at least, twenty times ( minimum )...exactly what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, the details in how I'm doing it, down to the last detail. There's not one stone I've left unturned, so she has ALL the information she needs to understand the cause and effect of my entire situation....

The "why" has clearly been answered in great detail...to be sure.

Towards the end of our talk she pauses ...( and I'm going...here it comes ) and sure enough...like clockwork....it arrives as predicted. After 60 years...I know this like the back of my hand....

"Don't you want to get an apartment? "

When you've told someone "no"...every way you possibly can to the same question, you have to resort to stronger language to try get the "no" across even more firmly.

Many iterations ago, I started saying " The last thing I ever want to do, is get an apartment in some shit hole part of town that I can afford. I'd rather put a gun to my head and pull the trigger."

Knowing my sister's strong Christian belief system, I employed "suicide" and "shit hole" into my language to wake up her circuitry.  If anything...suggesting suicide, I knew, would get her attention. With intention...on my part. I selected these words carefully.

So when you tell someone...I'd rather take a bullet to my head than get an apartment....and after 20+ conversations of saying the exactly same "no"...with added reinforced verbiage...and they do this ( the pattern ) every time ....

"Don't you want to be around people?"

"Maybe you could volunteer and get free room and board sonewhere?

"Don't you want to get an apartment? "

This is that same moment with my mom....re- happening again!

"THIS IS what I'm doing...I'm doing it right now this very minute. And I will continue to do it it...untill I'm not doing it anymore.

But, I'd rather put a bullet in my head, than get an apartment in some shit hope part of town."

It's just unbelievably predictable and exasperating at the same time. I can only say no, so many times...before my head goes down ...my eyes go forward, and my virtual fingers go in my ears ( lalalalalala )....and I just  keep on moving ...forward.....not backwards...and not stuck.

And yes....it's Insidious.  I've been saying that word for decades now.

J