I ran errands yesterday. These are new to me. It was always Calene's role to run errands. Oh, I made the occasional Lowe's run but I never set foot inside Costco. It's not that I refused to run errands (a visit to Lowe's also means a quick stop at Selma's for a Pliny because they share the same parking lot), it was just part of our division of labor.

But now I know how to pick up prescriptions, every aisle in the grocery store, and the importance of upgrading the Costco membership for purposes of early morning admission. I have also learned to wait in line at the bank. My impatience was such that I used to turn around and walk out if the line was more than two people long. Hours and hours in the infusion ward certainly changes a man's perspective on patience.

Yesterday saw me pick up laundry detergent, a prescription, make a quick dash down to San Juan Capistrano, stop at Costco for AG-1, then detour to Barnes and Noble to buy a new book. This is important. B&N is in Aliso Viejo, well beyond the boundaries of my town. Since my London trip back in March my life has revolved around the four square miles of Rancho Santa Margarita. There might have been the occasional track meet or Springsteen show but the day-to-day stuff has kept me here.

Frankly, I feel a little afraid to leave. C.S. Lewis noted that grief feels like fear and I know exactly what he's talking about. That Mammoth drive was aborted when I began feeling ill an hour up the road. My plan was a European adventure this summer — I was torn between Poland and Ireland — but it all seemed too much. Maybe in December. I also made plans to surprise my oldest son during the 10-miler he's running on the East Coast tomorrow. But I'm in such a fog that I booked the flight for the wrong date and the wrong airport and then cancelled altogether. My anniversary was Thursday and my birthday is Monday. It just makes more sense to go nowhere, even if that means sitting alone with my dogs and guitar. Driving all the way to Barnes and Noble might not sound like much, but for my muddled head space it was quite the adventure indeed.

I bought three books. Two are fiction. The other is Rick Steves' new memoir. My house is filled with books but I just needed to go to a place filled with writing and purchase a work by an author I've never read before. Soon enough, these will be on their way to Friends of the Library but they are my boon companions for now.

I miss being hugged each and every day. The feel of a warm female palm touching my cheek. It took me years to stop flinching when Calene would do that, the byproduct of a violent household growing up. Hearing "I love you." Running errands for someone who means the world to me. Buying a new bag of dog food at PetSmart does not count.

I should be saving all this for the memoir.

Today's errands involve this blog, a sauna, lunch with a friend. The garage needs my attention. Devin just texted and I promised to make my way back east before he leaves on his next posting. Keep pushing, always. Right?