“So, tell me about yourself,” She says with a wide smile, while fixing her posture and holding one of those pens that they give for free at the Bank whenever you open a new account.

Without losing my charismatic smile, I sigh.

You really didn’t think this through, did you, Brenda?
I guess I am not the only one who didn’t do their homework and didn’t do enough research about who was going to sit across from you. But hey, we both been here a couple of times haven’t we? You are supposed to sell me a dream job we both know will be beneath my paygrade. I am supposed to sell you a work ethic we both know doesn’t fit my personal lifestyle.

So, don’t be so naive to believe that just because I have desperate eyes, and know the correct meaning of the word “irony”, I will agree to work overtime on weekends.

In return, I won’t be so naive to believe that just because you offer me a “parking spot” and a flirtatious smile my first raise will come after six months of signing my contract.

But hey, we can both play imaginary chess here. In fact, this is my favorite game. Black rook takes king’s pawn.

“Well, I am persistent, a quick learner, a critical thinker, and I work well with others.” Which is the nicest thing I have going on for me. After all, what am I supposed to say?

Do I have more experience than my future coworkers?
Probably not.
Will I be able to come up with revolutionary ideas?
Most likely, but definitely not for the construction sector.
Am I willing to take on the responsibilities that three people should be doing on a healthier, more lucrative job?
Not even if you could afford me.
Do I need the money more than the two other guys sitting on the lobby, waiting to be interviewed for the same position?
Well, Brenda, isn’t everybody supposed to say yes?

Everything that is even remotely interesting about me you won’t find on my resume or LinkedIn page. In a world where we have PSN profiles, music playlists, Goodreads & Letterbox reviews, and League of Legend rankings, why would you ask me for my work history? Hell, woman, the fact that I use Apple Music instead of Spotify, yet I still keep my Spotify playlists updated, says more about me than all my past references.

“What quality of yours would you consider needs improvement?” She says with a daring tone in her voice, but that’s what you get from a fire sign.

Well, you’re going to need more than that to unnerve me. After all, you should know better. Our generation has lived through enough pain and trauma to be unfazed by such a prescribed narrative. After the disappointing ending of Game of Thrones, the rise of toilet paper as a luxury item, the untimely death of Jack in Titanic, Blink-182 third reunion, Jacob imprinting on Bella’s daughter, the Knicks winning after 56 years, and ten of the Fast and Furious films, would anything I say surprise you?

White queen’s bishop takes rook. Yes, predictable and expected. Not a lot of creativity in her strategy.

“As someone who manages a high level of workload, I often multitask and become extremely concentrated on the task at hand, which is why I often run late and have a hard time leaving a task half-way through.” I smirk back — just enough inflection on my voice to make her wonder if that was condescending or not. I am a bag full flaws and characteristics that are easily criticizable, but even you must admit I turned that one around. “In my experience, allowing flexible time management goes hand in hand with positive accomplishments and healthy work development.”

Bishop takes bishop, check. Not much left to do I’m afraid. There’s no room to answer back — you’re out of dialogue.

“Got any questions for me?” She relaxes her shoulders and sets down her pen.

Queen takes bishop. One final sacrifice, just to keep herself as the lead conversationalist. Little does she know, I expected her to put herself in this situation.

I bet she thinks the hard part of the interview is over. She clearly has never met a fellow writer — worst of it, a fellow drinker. We exceed in inappropriate questions.

“Can you explain to me the company’s hierarchy?” I asked with a serious (and highly-practiced) face. “I would love to know the objectives that come with this job, and the possibilities of further growth. Is there room for vertical expansion, or am I only going to acquire better roles if those above me quit?”

Knight takes rook’s pawn, check. Although it is not mate, she’s trapped in a clever fork. To save que King, she must lose her Queen. The only sensible option left is surrender.

She remains silent and decides to offer me a smile — nothing more — as he closes her notepad. Yes, Brenda, I would through the King down on the table if I was on your position as well.

Thoughts During An Interview was originally published in Sex Songs and Gasoline on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.