I’ve been writing poems and songs for as long as I can remember—some considerably more angsty than others.

For a long time, writing was the only way I knew how to express everything I was feeling. When the big sads arrive, I still tend to default to it. Though, thanks to years of therapy, I have fewer big-sad moments and more “Hey… fuck you!” moments. It’s progress.

This time, I’ve been sitting with the grief that comes from realizing that, no matter how hard you reach for someone, a relationship may never become more than what they are willing, or capable, of giving.

It’s difficult to stop reaching. Harder still to accept that letting go does not mean you failed them or abandoned them. Sometimes, it simply means you have finally stopped abandoning yourself in the hope that they might choose you.

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Title: I will give (Capable all along)

Verse 1
I reach for you each time I leave,
Pull from the drive and start the car.
The silence takes the passenger seat
And asks me where you are.

My hand still moves towards you
Before my mind can tell it no—
Still looking for a mother
In the places you won’t go.

You broke your promises so slowly
I almost called it love
You watched me learn to raise myself
Then said I’d grown enough

Pre-Chorus
You tell me I should let the past lie
Like these memories are something I’d choose
And every time you talk to my children gently
I see the mother I once begged of you

Chorus
You’ve been capable all along.
That’s the hardest truth to see:
You have kindness in your hands—
You just never give it to me.

You’ve been capable all along
You’ve known how to be soft
You’ve known how to hold a child
Without making love a cost

Why can’t you be better?
Why can’t you choose me?
Why does loving you require
Compromising every part of me?

Verse 2
You wear the victim like a halo
Turning every truth into attack
You use my fear to climb above me
Then blame me when I cracked

My body lives on warning
The quiet feels unsafe
Now peace comes through the doorway
And I still brace for it to change

You never mean to hurt me
Like intention clears the scene
Still you take every fear I hand you
And press exactly where it bleeds

Pre-Chorus
You tell me I interpret wrong
That pain has made a monster out of me
But I’ve pieced together every moment
And finally learned to see

Chorus
You’ve been capable all along.
That’s the hardest truth to see:
You have kindness in your hands—
You just never give it to me.

You’ve been capable all along
You’ve known how to be soft
You’ve known how to hold a child
Without making love a cost

Why can’t you be better?
Why can’t you choose me?
Why does loving you require
Compromising every part of me?

Post-Chorus
I still reach
Like a child who thinks this time
You might choose me

I still reach
But I’m learning not to bleed
For what you won’t be

Verse 3
I would lay myself beneath the wheels
A thousand times for mine
I would take the blame and do the work
Before I watched them break inside

I have no map for being gentle
Only all I won’t repeat
So I sort through all the wreckage
And decide what has to leave

I reach for you
The pull is unrelenting
A child’s cry
A heart still bending

Bridge
Maybe you don’t know the mask
From the face beneath it now
Maybe you believe your story
Every time you tear me down

Maybe you don’t like your life
Maybe you don’t like your name
Maybe loving me would mean admitting
You were the one who had to change

I don’t know if I’d forgive you
Even if you came back first
I don’t know if an apology
Could unteach me all the hurt

Cycle breakers suck out the poison
So their children never do
I can heal the child I once was
And not abandon her to you

Final Chorus
You’ve been capable all along.
That’s the hardest truth to see:
You have kindness in your hands—
You just never give it to me.

You’ve been capable all along
You’ve known how to be soft
You’ve known how to hold a child
Without making love a cost

Why can’t you be better?
Why can’t you choose me?
Why does loving you require
Compromising the softness in me?

Outro
One day the silence in the car
Won’t feel like losing you
One day it will sound like freedom
Like something safe and new

And when my children call my name
They’ll never have to plead

I will give
I will give
I will give

What you withheld from me.