I’ve decided that when I become Supreme Benign Dictator, I am going to send Really Mean-Looking Squads Complete With Big Sticks after the person who decided taxes should be paid in the spring. This is because there is something morally wrong with asking people to start their tax returns after they’ve just recovered from both A) Christmas shopping bills and B) six months of snow drifts and cabin fever.

Yes, I might have just received my notice of assessment.

There is nothing ‘painless’ about the tax process. It starts with trying to find all of your paperwork, including things like the pay stubs you filed under “Insurance,” the investment records your spouse filed under “Dogs,” and the receipts your kids filed under “Paper Mâché Project Material.”

Assuming you are able to find everything, the next step is to obtain the right forms to fill out. This involves talking to government officials. If you plan to do this by phone, I recommend bringing the following items with you to your desk: 1) a sleeping bag, 2) four days worth of provisions. It also helps if you have anti ‘on hold music’ pills handy. On the other hand, if you plan to do this by actually visiting a government department, I recommend a map, a compass, a backpack full of rations, and blood pressure medication. Also, it’s a good idea to leave anything that could be used as a weapon at home.

Reading tax forms is easy. Actually understanding them is another thing altogether. We didn’t ban torture devices like thumbscrews and iron maidens, you see, we simply replaced them with tax forms. The proof is in the first paragraph of any section, which usually reads something like this:

“Co-dependants of dependants that don’t conform to non-conforming regulation 28C-362 should subtract line 874a (not 874b or 874c) from line 1634Z-21, unless they qualify under Section D, Subsection 8 (“Claiming Felines, Birds and Guppies as Non-Residential Residents”), in which case they need to obtain a completely different set of forms, because these are now useless. Please refer to pages 398 through 457 for instructions on how to obtain these forms.”

Soooo, because I’m not a masochist, a lunatic, or a whiz at chaotic superextended differential calculus, I take my tax information to someone who is: an accountant. This is no picnic either though, because the accountant always opens my file and then breaks into hysterical laughter. The conversation goes downhill from there:

CPA: Are you aware you’ve tried to claim this under P-587 when it should actually have been filed under RX-001?

ME: Um, sure?

CPA: And that you could have saved yourself 0.03 cents if you had deducted this as Entertainment instead of Personal Mileage?

ME: Oh, yes, um, I was going to ask you about that.

CPA: And just how many guppies do you have, anyway, Ms. Clarke?

If you survive this and the multiple interviews that follow, the next part is the hardest: waiting for the verdict. This is where you cower under your bed until you find out precisely what your “tax picture” is going to be. I have friends who make this process worse by announcing either 1) they just received a tax bill for $3459 or 2) how they’re going to spend their $5000 refund. (Chandra’s Universal Rule #87: The people who Never Get Colds are the same people who Always Get Refunds). Personally, I’m just happy not to receive letters from government subcontractors like “Guido’s Collection Agency — If dey ain’t broke, well, dey will be soon!”

Of course, this entire process is made ever so much easier on the nerves at government budget time. This is when you find your local authorities spending your money on such worthwhile causes as: studying the effect that potholes have on cars, producing eight new versions of the tax form, and funding the Guppy Enthusiasts Club of the Americas.

I’m not sure why the whole tax thing has to be so difficult. I propose an equally effective and far less painful system of just two steps. Step One: The government asks how much you made last year. Step two: The government tells you to burn half.

Indeed, this system is so simple, it could be implemented at practically any time throughout the year. Except spring, because the smoke would be bad for the flowers.

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