The pineal gland is a small spot in the center of the brainthat holds great significance. Scientifically it controls our circadian rhythm,stabilizes our moods, and produces the melatonin that helps us sleep properly.It is also said to hold great spiritual significance as renowned philosopherRene Descartes (1596-1650) declared it to be the seat of our soul, where oursoul and connection to God resides in each of us, and still others refer to itas our third eye. In modern humans the toxins we take in from birth (aluminum,mercury, and foreign DNA from injections, fluoride in most everything we drink,and the chemicals and dyes in processed foods) calcify the pineal gland, andI’ve seen the calcification on CT scans of my young son’s brain. Concerned by thelight spot in the scans I pointed it out and asked the doctors, thinking theworst, but it was explained to me that it was a calcium deposit and we all haveit and it was nothing to worry about.

Six years ago I decided, perhaps unwisely, that I wanted todecalcify my own pineal gland. I had a plan and a prayer, and at this time ofthe year I stretched out in the sun, focused on the spot, and prayed with allmy heart for God to clean that area of my brain, to release the toxins andcalcification so I could see what I was missing. My intentions were pure,although perhaps not thought through to what it would mean, and that sunnymorning I pleaded and prayed for those toxins to be released. I didn’t take anydrugs or pharmaceuticals, only drank some water, and focused on the seat of thesoul to be free of the constraints and filth of this world. I was out in thesun for a couple hours, not an unusual thing for me, didn’t notice any change,and then went on with my day, shrugging it off as just another silly idea ofmine.

That night I woke with a fever, and spent the next dayspretty sure that I was dying. The fever spiked up to over 103, and I had theworst stomach flu of my life, worse than any food poisoning, but I knew itwasn’t food poisoning. I was down for days, and felt so bad I gave my husbandinstructions in case of my death. I didn’t go to a doctor because I don’t dothat anymore, not to mention during the pandemic era that was a dangerous thingto do, and I was surprised and very grateful when I recovered. I chalked it upto the worse stomach flu I’d ever experienced and still remember the pain,weakness, and helplessness I felt, and things changed after that.

I didn’t connect the sickness to those hours in the sun ormy prayers until this week, six years later. Now, looking back, I think my bodyreleasing those toxins brought on the sickness, but at the time I didn’t givemy silly prayer or intention much thought, considered it a failed experiment,and life moved on.  A few months later Ibegan having nightmares of the past and what I suppose were nocturnalflashbacks of the abuse I experienced as a child. I had never forgotten howawful my childhood was, but I had learned, like others like me, to disassociatefrom it, to divide the traumas up into smaller pieces and lock them away, butsuddenly the doors of that storehouse in my mind were thrown open and thoseevents were front and center. I began to see what I had been missing, what Ihad been hiding from myself, and life changed dramatically. Within a year ofissuing that prayer I had fallen out with most my family, I was seeing thingsdifferently than I had before, and my faith began to grow stronger. 

There are layers to faith, each layer bringing us closer toGod, and for the last six years I have been unpeeling those layers, most of thetime unconsciously as I’d follow my instincts, or perhaps the whispers of theHoly Ghost. I’ve written book after book, my mind sharper than it had everbeen, and those days of staring at a blank page in frustration seemed to havefallen behind me, the ideas coming faster than I could write them down. Andalthough I’ve become a bit reclusive and don’t engage with a lot of people, myempathy towards them has grown painfully, and I tend to see all sides of humansorrows with an understanding and compassion I don’t remember having earlier inmy life. I have developed a hatred for the lack of nuance in the world, whichpaints every situation with a fear-laden brush, excluding the truth and thedetails that would balance and bring calm and sense to most things. It’ssuddenly easier to spot the lies and manipulations, the way my body reactsmaking it almost impossible to listen to them, and there is a level offrustration that comes with it. I wonder why people are so blind, why theycan’t see what is clearly obvious, and why they seem so comfortable in a worldthat does nothing but harm and lie to them.

The thing about praying for anything is that we don’t seethe big picture, we can’t, our vision is limited by our own human experience,clouded by our own prejudices, fears, and ignorance, and buried under thetoxins the world dishes out. The world has a lot invested in keeping us blind,confused, angry, and focused on the lowest common denominators. Sex, survival,and money are the glasses we see through, and surrendering all to God are justwords that sound good the couple hours a week we allow for faith, but make nosense in a busy world where we must stay alert for predators and be in controlso it doesn’t all fall apart. But it’s in the falling apart and the lack ofcontrol where we truly come to know God. God is light and goodness and hope,but we now live in a world where evil is called good, darkness is light, andhope is a silly and useless emotion with little room to thrive under the weightof our present society. 

God still answers prayers, although often different than howwe imagine. When I asked God to clear out my pineal gland I didn’t expect to beknocked on my butt sick as a dog, but I didn’t really know what I was asking.When I prayed to see what I was missing, I wasn’t prepared to actually see it,and surely didn’t expect to see my world and familial relationships implode.And I surely didn’t anticipate the changes it would bring to my life, it ain’teasy having your blinders knocked away. As each new thing was revealed to me,not just the harm done to me, but also the harm I’d put into the world, myfaith grew stronger and my awareness of His existence grew more sure and solid.None of those things were in my mind when I prayed for what I thought was asimple thing, because I couldn’t see the bigger picture and the ripple effectsuch a change can bring.

In the years since that morning in the sun a lot haschanged, most not obvious to the eyes, and it took me six years to even figureout that God had answered my prayer. Honestly, in the last six years ofstruggle, repeated injuries, and learning to trust God with everything, I hadcompletely forgotten that I had those intentions and made that prayer. Thememory of the prayer popped into my mind this week, and then I saw a FB memorywhere I spoke of the illness, and it all fell into place. Aha! So that’s whathappened! Dang…mind blown. And then I spent a day rather stunned as the lastsix years of struggle shone with a new light. God answered my prayer, I justdidn’t know what I was asking, or have any clue of how it would manifest. 

I won’t tell you to be careful of what you pray for as we’reall on different journeys, but I will likely be a little more cautious in theasking because I know I’m not always prepared for the result. 

As always, keep seeking.