OK, I’m on the train, (standing as usual). My phone pings. It’s a texts from my son.

SON        Mum can you get me condoms?

I lift my shoulder so that nosey woman next to me cant read my screen, and hide my phone with my cuff.  And fire back a no-nonsense reply. The friggin nerve of him!

ME          No!  Get your own bloody condoms.

There that told him !!

SON         Do you want me to make you a granny?

Big gulp.  And suddenly shitting myself. Me a granny? I can’t even knit.

ME           Where do I get them?

SON         Supermarket bottom shelf next to the lube and shit for bad feet.

ME            OK, on my way.