feedback needed on excerpt from Dead Tropics 2

Hi,

I just wrote an emotional scene for my new book but I think I might be too darn close to the subject, being a mum and all. Can you look it over and tell me if it works or not?

It's on my blog: http://deadtropics.com/2012/09/430/?p...
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Published on September 07, 2012 20:33 Tags: dead-tropics, horror-fiction
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