From a Dom's POV: D/s in BDSM Fiction
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A recurring theme in BDSM books such as those by Cherise Sinclair (whose work I (mostly) like) revolves around defining D/s, specifically in the context of a well-established (usually super-heroic), ripped, “Alpha Dom” explaining what he wants to a generally round/scarred girl with self-esteem issues. Or, one who has piqued his interest (or, in most cases, who he’s fallen in love with on first sight). This is romance after all. I usually find these discussions rather unsatisfying, because they seem needlessly complicated, and generally involve things regarding time or location like, “For the next hour, I give orders, and you take them,” or “in the bedroom, or at the club, I’m in charge, and you’re not.”Usually, these oblique descriptions are the cause of much mental hand-wringing by the submissive woman, who spends (to me) interminable amounts of time agonizing over the idea that she’s going to be a 24/7 slave who is instructed in everything from how to brush her teeth, to how to wipe her bum, with particular intrusions into her career. She’ll spend still more time arguing with herself about whether feminists do such things, whether her mother would approve, and so on and so forth.Now, this might be an intentional plot contrivance to build tension and drama; it’s far from how things would work in real life, if I were interested in a girl who asked “What do you mean by all this “dom/sub” stuff. My answer would be relatively straightforward:
In matters having anything to do with sex, my judgement will take precedence
over yours.
Seems pretty simple, circumscribed, and non-threatening, right? But let’s assume that our hypothetical girl needs more clarification and asks, “what do you mean by “having anything to do with sex?” My answer would be something like:
Well, what do we usually think of as matters having to do with sex? What female activities are normally thought of as having to do with sex? Those things are my call:
How you dress when we’re together. How you maintain your body in shape, hairiness, scent, posture, etc. How you touch me and how I touch you. Which “terms of endearment” are okay and which aren’t. How you engage other people when it comes to flirtation or sexual contact.The color of your lips/nails. Your hairstyle.You getting additional piercings/tatoos. (I’d have a veto on that, but wouldn’t initiate it unless things were long-term) Are violating my express wishes with regard to the above punishable offenses? Yes.
Do I care how you balance the books at work? No. How you run your psychiatric clinic? Not unless you’re a sex therapist. Am I going to insist on my views regarding whether you use mercury for fillings in your dental practice? No. Do I care that you’re a lousy housekeeper? Not if I’m not living with you or spending time at your place. Am I going to insist you eat broccoli? No. Will I forbid you asparagus? Possibly, depending on whether it does unpleasant things to the scent of your urine.
Now, for me personally, if a relationship becomes more than sexual, then I may well have opinions I insist on regarding non-sexual matters that might affect whether the places I’m frequenting are clean and pleasant, whether my new relationship-partner is acting in ways that won’t compromise my own professional or other interests, and all that, but that stuff, for me, doesn’t kick in until you’re in a serious, publicly-recognized open-ended (not just dating) relationship. But again, this would be a straightforward thing:
In any non-trivial disagreement pertaining to our relationship (or household), my desires take precedence over yours.
So, you want to buy $200.00 worth of yarn? Unless we’re strapped, you don’t even have to tell me. You want to buy $20,000 worth of mohair and start a mohair coat factory? We can talk about it, but don’t get your hopes up.
Of course...such clean and simple lines might not make for a very dramatic story.
In matters having anything to do with sex, my judgement will take precedence
over yours.
Seems pretty simple, circumscribed, and non-threatening, right? But let’s assume that our hypothetical girl needs more clarification and asks, “what do you mean by “having anything to do with sex?” My answer would be something like:
Well, what do we usually think of as matters having to do with sex? What female activities are normally thought of as having to do with sex? Those things are my call:
How you dress when we’re together. How you maintain your body in shape, hairiness, scent, posture, etc. How you touch me and how I touch you. Which “terms of endearment” are okay and which aren’t. How you engage other people when it comes to flirtation or sexual contact.The color of your lips/nails. Your hairstyle.You getting additional piercings/tatoos. (I’d have a veto on that, but wouldn’t initiate it unless things were long-term) Are violating my express wishes with regard to the above punishable offenses? Yes.
Do I care how you balance the books at work? No. How you run your psychiatric clinic? Not unless you’re a sex therapist. Am I going to insist on my views regarding whether you use mercury for fillings in your dental practice? No. Do I care that you’re a lousy housekeeper? Not if I’m not living with you or spending time at your place. Am I going to insist you eat broccoli? No. Will I forbid you asparagus? Possibly, depending on whether it does unpleasant things to the scent of your urine.
Now, for me personally, if a relationship becomes more than sexual, then I may well have opinions I insist on regarding non-sexual matters that might affect whether the places I’m frequenting are clean and pleasant, whether my new relationship-partner is acting in ways that won’t compromise my own professional or other interests, and all that, but that stuff, for me, doesn’t kick in until you’re in a serious, publicly-recognized open-ended (not just dating) relationship. But again, this would be a straightforward thing:
In any non-trivial disagreement pertaining to our relationship (or household), my desires take precedence over yours.
So, you want to buy $200.00 worth of yarn? Unless we’re strapped, you don’t even have to tell me. You want to buy $20,000 worth of mohair and start a mohair coat factory? We can talk about it, but don’t get your hopes up.
Of course...such clean and simple lines might not make for a very dramatic story.
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