so i've had tons of time to reflect and think about the trip.  it's been a whole month since my return and i've made some decisions about this, that, and the other.  here's my current insight, in case you're interested.

1. after a month off of not working so physically, my body felt more rested, but slightly still tired.  after two days back at work, my body was ready to crash.  i am tired of this.  so after much consideration, i have decided i will not be renewing my massage license.  it's been 7.5 years of helping others with their aches and pains, energy transference, healing ailments that weren't my own.  i'm done.  i haven't found anything new and haven't given notice or anything like that.  i'm just not planning on keeping on with this.  i still love it very much, but i've had enough of struggling financially and feeling like i'm 15 years older than i actually am.  so as soon as something right comes along, i'm gonna take it and move on.

2. this trip was partially an audition to decide where i want to move next.  i haven't much of a desire to stay in Bakersfield, never have.  the only places i felt at home on this trip were in Humboldt (no surprise) and Lake Samish, WA.  i felt at home in Humboldt since i've lived there before.  it is beautiful and clean and lovely.  but at the end of the day, it isn't home.
Lake Samish is friggin' awesome.  but it's more of a long term goal kinda home thing.  a house on the water is gonna go for about a half million dollars.  considering i make enough right now to live with my parents indefinitely, i'm thinking Lake Samish will be a great Washington vacation home.....someday.  it's beautiful now, it'll be beautiful then.  i can wait.

home, sweet home.other than that, i think i've decided that i will be staying in California.  for the nearest of futures, i will be in Bakersfield.  i have moved 8 times in the last 7 years.  i have purchased and sold two coffee tables, about 4 bookshelves, 4 beds, some lamps, some adorable sidetables, all sorts of crap.  my storage has gone from a packed and stacked 10 x 10, to a half empty 5 x 5.  i think when the time comes to actually MOVE, i'm just gonna start completely over.  i can only get rid of so many memories at a time before i lose my mind.  so for now, i'll be in my $1600 mattress in my brother's old room.  and i'll be the first one to make fun of myself.

3. i still have a long ways to go to get past the breakup.  i left a lotta pain in the middle of the Puget Sound, thank god.  but i'm not interested in meeting anyone new or dating.  just to be a good sport, i signed up for eHarmony, thinking maybe i was just being a coward about it.  but a week and several episodes of anxiety later, i decided to call it off.  i'm sorry to say that i just don't want to be in love again.  without trying to sound so sarcastic and doubtful, i'm sure that someday i'll be happy with another man and all.  but for now, i'd rather just be alone.  if the right guy walked into my life and i fell good and hard for him, that'd be fantastic.  i will not fight that if it happens.  but i'm not going out to look for it.  i don't want to.  i'm going to wait a little longer before dragging myself through the mud again.  i like who i am right now, i'd like to like myself a little while longer.
leaving behind...
4. i've questioned and re-evaluated my friendships and myself as a friend.  so as not to offend anybody, i can only say that i'm choosing to loosen the reins on those that i feel negative about.  i don't want to doctor what i say so the person i hang around with doesn't get offended.  if they find me offensive, why are they friends with me?  and i feel offended, why am i friends with them?  basically, if i feel it's too laborious to be with someone, i just don't have the energy right now to make it through.  i'm tired of giving when it ain't given back.  that's all it was in my last relationship and i am worn out.
best love.
5. my family is the most important thing in the world to me.  hands down.

6. i live completely inside of my head.  this hasn't changed.  but i REALLY live inside my head now.  i've always believed that only YOU can make things happen.  but for the first time in my life, i ACTUALLY believe it.  i can't wait for life to come to me.  it's time to make things happen.  so the living inside my head thing is amplified right now as i process the several ways to make several things happen.  it's like a big ass clock in there; tons of huge cogs, pendulums, springs, and dials, all spinning and swaying, moving together in rhythm.  i have a lot more decisions to make and it's going to take quite a bit of time.  but i am planning on making things happen now.

i was here.7. i AM capable of love.

lucky number seven.  these are my daily thoughts.  some of them anyways.  i am SO glad and grateful i took this trip.  i needed it more than anything.  it cleared my head, made space for new thoughts.  i saw some beautiful sights, had some great meals, some fantastic conversations.  i met up with some wonderful old friends and kinda found myself in them again.  not to mention making some awesome new connections.  i remembered reasons why i am who i am and how i became her.

i highly recommend road tripping.  getting lost is the best method to finding your way.




metta to you and yours.