As some of you might know, I’ve been on pins and needles for the past few weeks waiting for a response from one of the graduate programs I’ve attended. It’s a feeling I’d like to point out is worse than waiting for a response from a publisher or a literary agent, because then you know that you have next to no chance. Most of the programs I’m applying to (oceanography or earth science depending on the school) don’t tend to respond until February, but that hasn’t stopped me from keeping my phone on vibrate and in my pocket at all times and an email tab open on my computer when I’m working on just about anything else. The idea that where I end up living and working for the next five to six years is completely dependent on the responses I get within the next few weeks is a little daunting, so it’s no wonder I’m slightly freaked out.

To add to that, I’ve also been heavily concerned with the state of my senior thesis, the last requirement left before I can graduate with honors from the South Carolina Honors College. You’d think, since I’ve already shown myself capable of turning out a rough draft worth 80,000 words in one month, I could write a 25-40 page thesis without much worry, but writing for science is very different from writing for pleasure. I keep thinking of the fact that I’ll be judged by the research I manage to turn in two month’s time, and that if I end up with a grad school interview, they’ll expect me to know my stuff. I can’t answer the “what’s your thesis on?” question with the usual “oh, you know, iron.” Incidentally, this is where trying to promote my book has been helping me. Since I’ve had to come up with so many “elevator pitches” for Arbiter, it’s been easier for me to distill the topic of my thesis down into a few words, in this case, the amount of biovailable iron coming from iceberg meltwater in the Antarctic.

On top of that, I’m the president of a student organization (Golden Key Honour Society) on my campus, which means I’m responsible for putting together the New Member Recognition Event, a headache in and of itself, as well as making sure the chapter runs smoothly from now until April, and I’m the treasurer of the Seidokan Aikido Club, a club that requires me to be present for at least two out of the three 2 hour class sessions per week so I can make regular belt progression. (I attend all three, generally, because I’m insane like that). So with all that, plus the promotion of Arbiter, plus a new novel in the works, it’s amazing that I have time for apathy.

You’d be surprised.

Like all seniors, the hardest part for me this semester with regards to classes has been forcing myself to care. I need to actually focus on the physical oceanography and physical chemistry classes I’m taking now. I need to care about the grades I’ll be receiving. I need to try for those As, because it’s going to show a horrible work ethic to future employers/graduate school advisors, if I screw up my 3.94 GPA in the last semester because I just didn’t care. And that’s the thing. I do care. I care a lot. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be stressed. But the temptation to coast to the finish line is there, especially considering most graduate schools won’t even see my final grades.

So that’s the thing. Motivation. I need to constantly remind myself that I can’t drop the ball here. I need to continue, and keep pushing. To give that extra effort, that 110%, one more time this semester, so that I can look back on my undergraduate years and say “Wow, I did a lot,” instead of saying “Wow, I did a lot, but I really messed up that last semester”.