The quest for the ultimate in hydration has now reached a high-water mark in surrealchemy. After the hype of fog-drip, coconut water, charcoal water, smoked water, vitamin water, gogi water and even “black water,” America continues getting hosed with a steady stream of scientific claims and the height of medicine show quackery. Can you say “snake oil?” One of my favorite episodes of Penn & Teller’s “Bullshit”  is “The Truth About Bottled Water.”  That classic featured a  ”Water Sommelier” at a high-end restaurant.: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfPAjUvvnIc. The national obsession with water was beautifully skewered. That should have been the end of the story. Not by a long shot apparently. The purveyors of woo knew that few of the people searching for the Fountain of Youth would pay much attention to to scallywags like Penn & Teller, and so the river flows on. Take the claims of “Isklar,” Norwegian glacier water:

“The people behind Isklar claim that while most of our planet’s water evaporates into the atmosphere and is recycled in a seven-year period – picking up pollutants on the way – the water frozen inside  glaciers was formed thousands of years ago when the air was far cleaner. But some reviewers on Amazon say Isklar water (£8.44 for 24 500ml bottles) never tastes better than when mixed with whisky. ”

I suppose the “frozen inside” theory makes sense of a sort and the taste test from Amazon would depend largely on the whisky and amount you drink. We all have blind spots. Back in my single malt drinking days, I had to have that special bottle of Scottish “Highland Spring Water” to truly complete my solemn drinking ritual. I bought into the hype. What garden hose it came from didn’t matter to me as I fancied myself a connoisseur of fine regional “waters of life” and wouldn’t think of sullying my fine dram with mere tap water. 

Today you can even get genuine “Loch Ness Water.”  Never mind what the locals say when you read about the loch. They warn visitors boiling for 5 minutes before drinking any loch water owing to the algae and other pollutants present in the murky depths. Visitors are further advised to take any water from the center of the loch rather than the surrounding edges for that reason. I’m not sure how far out in the loch or what part of  the purveyors of “Genuine Loch Ness Water” syphon their bounty from, but I’m guessing it’s close to the shore.

Mayor Villaraigosa Hydrtaes

But now we are assured have the ultimate:

Starfire Water!

Yes, it’s here – and no less a personage than Mayor Villaragosa himself heartily endorses it! 

If you aren’t sitting down while you read the next paragraph, I would advise it. I haven’t seen such a load of non-stop woo bullshit since the power bracelet hit the streets. Here’s the label in it’s entirety:

THIRST THE FIRE

“Legend has it that the mystical “Starfire”was the liquid manna of the divine, used by the ancients for ultra-focus, extreme performance, and even enlightenment. In that vein, we introduce STARFIRE WATER, a propiratary alkaline performance, bio-holographic “living” water produced using breakthrough 21st century, quantum water technology. STARFIRE WATER is treated with ultraviolet, ozonation,infra-red stimulation and electromagnetism for a negative (-) ion charged water, as in nature, allowing deep cellular intake through your aquaporins, the floodgates to hydration.Vortex induced, using a solar -helix and pyramid-grid system. to give it a hexagonal structure, and infused with monatomic elements, we are able to achieve a water with cosmic healing energy. This water is amplified with psionic wave oscillation tuned to the Universe’s frequency, helping to synchronize you with the heartbeat of our Earth. STARFIRE WATER is treated with Sacred Sound Resonance Transmission to vibrationally transform you on the deepest molecular level. Altogether we’ve created the world’s first premium alkaline . performance, “living,”" hexagonal super-structured water.”

It isn’t just water – it’s structured water. It’s also infused and energized.

I noticed at their site www.starfire.com that they are offering 25% discounts. Perhaps their over-the-top labeling may have strangled sales with too much of their own woo? Personally I’m almost afraid to drink the stuff.

Their website continues the farce:

“The problem with most water is that the body can’t actually absorb it, as the water’s composition can’t properly seep into the cells. You see water isn’t just water. If you’ve ever gone for a run and then stopped at a drinking fountain to drink some water, you may have experienced the feeling of the water not really quenching your thirst, besides tasting terrible. The problem is that the tap water is essentially sewer water with all the gunk inside of it and even with basic filtration on a basic level it is still sewer water.”

You see, water isn’t just water. Right? 

“Starfire Water is different. Our water is spinned for several hours in a vortex to change the [hydrogen] composition of the water at a molecular level. Your cells suck up this water like a sponge. Plus, it tastes better than anything else”

The medicine show wagon has once again pulled into the center of town –  only this time it’s in Beverly Hills and not some obscure outpost in the Oklahoma Territiry. The barker and his wares are the same quackery dressed up with the latest buzz words. Thanks to companies like STARFIRE, we can now look forward to more “quantums,” “bio-holographics” and ”vortex induced” products raining down on us like the divine manna that legends of ancient  mystical yore told us about.  There oughta’ be a law.

Is this false advertising?

I’m guessing all the fancy scientific sounding double-talk processes listed on the label come down to a couple of guys in a warehouse stiring tap water into an inverted funnel (the pyramid grid syatem) under a bright UV bulb, while someone passes a horseshoe magnet under the tap while banging on a gong (or maybe there’s Grateful Dead music in the background) for that all-important “Sacred Sound Resonance.”

More likely still: Nothing at all happens except the tap water is syphoned into bottles to the sacred sound of money being counted into the tills.

A visit to the STARFIRE exclusive proprietary location would provide the only true enlightenment..

Challenge:

If the producers of STARFIRE WATER would like to invite me personally to their “laboratory,” I would truly appreciate the chance to view their processes and if necessary;  review and amend the statements I have made here.  If after a guided tour, I find I have witnessed one single “breakthrough technology, ” or “psionic wave oscillation,” I will provide the readers of Skepticblog with a complete retraction.  Until then, I remain skeptical.

Cheers.