Guys: A top dozen ‘on the date don’ts’…

A while ago, after reading Are You the One? someone commented to me that I ought to write some hints and tips for the guys – after all they often have just as much difficulty finding the lady of their desires as the girls do finding the guy of their dreams. I actually set out to write The Strategy as this, interviewing a guy I knew who spent a LOT of time dating one woman after another, unsatisfactorily for all concerned. Pete, in The Strategy, is modeled on him, but after a while I realised that the ideas I was writing about in the book were needed by everyone so it became a unisex ‘strategy’ after all. However, guys – it’s not fair. I should have written something just for you – and even though there are quite a few very useful chunks in The Strategy JUST for guys, this blog is for you!

So you’ve got a date lined up with the gorgeous beauty of your dreams? Success!

Not yet – you’ve got to avoid all the slips and trips on the way to the second date yet, so here are some suggestions for first date don’ts from the dame’s eye view, courtesy of Dizzideb…

First of all, remember a first date is simply a way of meeting and matching, not necessarily mating. It’s your chance to get to know this potential new partner and present yourself well in order to decide if you want to go any further. Some basic smart steps on your part may give you the upper hand in setting the right scene.

Heading there… 

Don’t undersell yourself. Women spend hours putting together the style that looks artlessly perfect. There may be ‘more to life than shoes’ , but for a woman, shoes and dress sense are a major part of it, so play up to that. You can look as good as she does too, can’t you?

Contrary to popular opinion, we actually like it when another woman looks at the guy we’re with and thinks, ‘now he looks hot’, but grudgingly has to leave alone because he’s already spoken for…

Don’t turn up late. Get there early and check the place out. On a first date, you don’t want to be telling your story to the rest of the world do you? If you can bag the best vantage point, find the quietest corner or even just make sure you have anywhere suitable to settle, you’ll look like the guy who has it all in hand, rather than the one who is trying to hustle it together.



In full swing…

Don’t be casual, be chivalrous. We women love it! Open doors, buy the drinks, offer her the choices to make. Women are generally all for equality – and probably often quite happy to ‘go dutch’ (although offering to pay is very appealing) – but women still also like to feel special, so show her that’s how you’ll make her feel… Some other little hints: some are obvious – don’t drink too much. It’s easy to slip into drinking too much to calm your nerves, or because you’re actually having a good time. A little dutch courage is fine, but if your date is only on her first glass of wine and you’re heading for your third pint, you could also be heading for the dumping ground too.

Then, your phone.

Don’t spend the date fiddling with it. Turn it off, and forget it. The point of your date is to find out about her and show yourself off to your best advantage, not to text your mates, find out the footie results, or even be setting up another date with someone else. Odds on a second date if you do? About a million to one…

Next – the conversation; now there’s a tricky one! Women have the ability to talk at length, about anything, everything and nothing. You’re as smart as any Sherlock, so listen carefully to what she says and don’t miss the clues. Does she talk a lot about her kids? Then maybe family comes first and you might get fed up of competing for attention? But having kids doesn’t necessarily rule her out – if she’s juggling domestic and professional life successfully, she’s a pretty smart cookie, isn’t she? Is her career a big topic of conversation? Will she also have sufficient time for you between shifts? Does she talk a lot about clothes, shoes, holidays, girly things? Would your bank balance be able to stand the attack? Here are the clues to where she is coming from, whether you are heading in the same direction; whether she wants you to head there with her and whether you would want to go along for the ride.

With texting and Facebook, we seem to have developed bad habits of just assuming the obvious. That’s why we have those blank moments where ‘he said/she said’ puts men on Mars and women on Venus. Don’t fall into the trap of assuming without listening carefully to what she’s implying. An English professor once wrote the words, ‘woman without her man is nothing’ on the blackboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: ‘woman, without her man, is nothing.’

The women wrote: ‘woman: without her, man is nothing’…

If you think carefully about your date’s punctuation and intonation, she will see you as the guy who really ‘got’ her instead of another one who just wanted to get on her. It will also give you valuable directions to the route to her bedroom in due course…

Now a major one – don’t mention the ex! Why? Because it shows you still haven’t quite got over her, are still obsessed with the past, or that you’re also quite possibly a stalker. Even if she thinks none of those things, she only wants two people on the date – you and her…

And finally on the way home…

Watch out for rushing the big finale in your enthusiasm. Don’t stick your tongue down her throat when you go for the goodnight clinch. You may want to move it on that quickly but a woman may not. Women often think in a vastly different way to men. An all-out passionate goodbye kiss to a woman can mean you are seriously interested and she may start to raise her expectations accordingly.

Maybe you don’t want the expectation level that high? Remember one of the standard female formulae – relationship pressure is in direct proportion to expectation level…

And similarly, don’t go for the immediate bedroom manoeuvre – if she invites you back for coffee, it’s just coffee, not ‘fuckoffee’ (unless explicitly stated)… Did you know that men and women also respond differently emotionally? Whilst

‘…research shows that men know they’re falling in love after just three dates, but women don’t fall in love until date 14…’ (1)

women also have this disconcerting habit of assuming that sleeping with a partner means this is a committed relationship, and maybe you don’t at this stage; for you it was probably still just sleeping with her…

Remember:

Function (f:) sleeping with her on the first date

Unexpected response (U)

Chronic attachment (C )

Kaos for you (K)

…otherwise expressed as f: u+c … well you get the idea…

If you like her don’t go all vague and mysterious – tell her so openly. It will score you far more dating points than being ambiguous. No woman likes feeling she is being ‘played’ and she will probably dump you as ‘a player’ if she does, even if you were just trying to appear cool.

Finally, one do: if you say you’re going to call her to arrange another date, DO. If she says yes – you’re on a winner!

I hope that’s a bit of useful insight into the weird world of women – and raises a smile too as you plan out your dating routine. Say hi, if so, and stay in touch with me on my website:

www.debbiemartin.co.uk

or on Twitter @Storytellerdeb

or better still grab yourself a REALLY unfair advantage and get The Strategy HERE

Bibliography: (1)

Warren, Neil Clark. 2005. Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons. New York, NY: Center Street.