On March 15th, 2013, this email exchange occurred between my sister, Debbie, who lives in Philadelphia, and me, living in Oregon, after she held a memorial service for our recently deceased mother. Although living on opposite coasts, my sister and I have stayed in touch over the years, but our relationship has primarily revolved around making jokes about our father’s legendary cheapness and our mother’s legendary alcoholism. It should also be noted that Debbie visited her weekly and I might have spoken to her 30 times in the previous 30 years.

Steve, I had a thought, and you tell me what you really think of it. Mom had just as many memories, happy memories, of living out there on the West Coast. Do you think you might want me to send her remains out to you instead? I really have no attachment to spreading her ashes. Spreading the ashes is more....symbolic, if you will. I said everything that I wanted to say today, including goodbye and I feel better for doing it. Now, she did say she wanted to be scattered down at the Jersey Shore, but maybe that’s just because she didn't think she could make it out to Oregon? It seems a little crazy, but I could find out what is the proper way of sending someone's remains cross country? It's up to you. If you decide you want to spread them out there, just let me know. Oh, and there was an earlier e-mail that I wrote that asked you if there was anything else that you wanted of mom’s or from mom, but now that I've offered to send you mom, or what’s left of her anyways, I can't think of anything else you might want. Just please let me know what you want to do.

Love, Debbie

Debz, that is so sweet. I can’t thank you enough for offering to send me Mom’s ashes. As you know, Mom and I weren’t real close, so I don’t know that I’m worthy of such an honor. It’s your decision, though. Just to warn you, I’ve had the ashes of two beloved dogs in the trunk of my car for over three years. However, this may be an opportunity for me to kill three birds, or really one old bird and two dogs, with one stone. I know you’re being serious, so I certainly don’t mean to make light of a serious situation. Just out of curiosity, since I’ve never held an urn, any idea what she’d cost to mail? She was pretty slight in life, so I can’t imagine she’d cost much to mail? That said, I think they charge by the pound? Could you maybe just send me a scoop and save a little on postage? Okay, two scoops, like the cereal, but try to get her into a couple letter-sized envelopes if you can...and no more than three stamps on each. I don’t mean to sound cheap like Dad, but I was expecting a little pay bump last month, which never came through, and mailing Mom was never in my budget. Man, that sounds cheap, doesn’t it? I feel like a horrible son now. Maybe I can swing it, but do me a favor…pick her up and give her a little shake and then email what you think she weighs. Better yet, you know those hanging scales in the produce aisle? Just be sure to wipe out the basket; you don’t want folks thinkin’ you’re low class. I know math’s never been your strong suit, so make it easy on yourself and round her off to the nearest pound. Wait! Wait! Wait! I just had a brainstorm. Forget those earlier instructions. The Post Office has this new promotion: If it fits, it ships! The weight doesn’t even matter. Try to fit her all in one box, but if she’s too much, then just keep a little for yourself. This is crazy, Debbie. I can’t believe we’re even discussing who should get Mom’s remains. I have to be honest, I just don’t feel right taking more than half...after all, she was your mom, too. Remember what we used to do in high school when we’d get down to the last Eggo Waffle? Let’s just split her right down the middle and call it good? It’s your decision. I’ll clear a little space in my trunk in case you decide to send her.

Love, Steve