4

tommy was doing alright. he hurt less than he thought he would. hurting less said he had done the right thing. he was over jess more than he knew. he had been getting over her while he was with her.

            the phone rang. he answered it.

            it was jess.

            “what have you been up to?” she asked.

            “working.”

            “how is it?”

            “the same,” he said.

            “that job is no good for you,” she said.

            “i know. what have you been up to?”

            “nothing. the same. new york, going out with the girls.”

            “have you been to the beach?” he asked.

            “we went to newport last week,” she said. “the water is warm.”

            “you went in?”

            “what’s that supposed to mean? i go in. sometimes.”

            tommy laughed.

            “we should go to the beach sometime,” she said.

            “sure,” he said. “when?”

            “i don’t know.”

            “how about tomorrow?” he said.

            “i’m off tomorrow.”

            “i can get out after deadline. how about east matunuck? i can meet you.”

            “third entrance,” she said.

in the car tommy changed into his suit, watching the lot for eyes. his socks smelled bad and he knew they would smell worse after they had cooked in the car for a few hours. he bought a frozen lemonade and hiked out to the hot sand. he walked looking for jess where she said she would be. he spotted her lying on her stomach. she was reading a book, facing up the beach. he walked toward her. she did not seem to notice him. he wondered what he would say. when he reached her, she looked up.

            “hi,” she said.

            “hi.”

            she looked thin, but sound. she was serene. she showed no signs of anguish. she had always been the cool one. she was looking at him. he stood there with his lemonade.

            he sat down. he pulled off his shirt. his drinking gut rolled out, pale with black hair. then they talked small, there in the sand, differences allowed. she was in a bikini and her skin was olive. she had been out in the sun a lot. she was very thin and he was surprised and relieved when her body failed to stoke him. it was a fine body and he could see how once he had needed to touch it. a part of him wanted her to be someone to touch, but it was only sad for him. he had been with felicia last week and felt boosted by a miracle. to be here now with jess he felt dishonest and a bit of pity came over him. he almost laughed.

            “you’re looking kind of skinny,” he said.

            “i know,” she said. “i’m just not eating. all these clothes i’ve been buying won’t even fit, i have to buy more.”

            “are you going crazy buying stuff?”

            she confessed. since the split, she had bought 22 pairs of shoes, 17 pairs of pants, and so many blouses and shirts she’d lost track. the jewelry didn’t really count, it just happened. she believed in fashion and more so she had style and she had money. as she told him about her expeditions to the shops and malls every night, it was easy for tommy to believe she had truly loved him.

            “it’s sick,” she added.

            for her to say that about herself, he couldn’t imagine how much she was spending. in california, she had spent $400 an hour.

            “how much have you spent?” he said.

            “you don’t want to know,” she said. “i’m buying all the things you never let me.”

            “that’s not true. i let you buy stuff.”

            “i know, but –“

            private consolations, they had their ways of dealing with this. they both let it drop.

           he was not here out of hope, was he? he was here, but so was the truth. they were not lovers. eventually they would see very little of one another. they would not see one another. in fact, he wasn’t sure why he was here. she had called. the beach? nature sounded neutral. he missed her. maybe they were going to talk. he had never explained it to her and he did not feel he needed to. she knew damn well what she was and what she had become. she knew she had been loved, and made herself not liked. they would talk about something pleasant. he didn’t think she was here because she wanted him back, but maybe she was. if she was, she was too proud to say so. she had asked him to come. she may have had hope for them. he didn’t. they were simply seeing the one they must lose. meeting like this would not help. but maybe, maybe meeting like this was just as easily a part of moving on, of dismantling. he missed her. they had been together day and night for five years. the routine was not broken down yet. and who else did they have? fuck, he didn’t know why he was here, except that she was here and he was strong enough to look at her.

            “do you want to go down to the water?” he said.

            “sure.”

            they went down the sandy slope to the ocean. the water was green milk, with waves breaking the film now and again. it was late afternoon and the sun was high enough in the southwest to keep people clinging to the sand, but the water was cooler than tommy expected when he dove in. he swam out and bodysurfed a wave in. jess stood on shore in her bikini. at a distance, she was a woman so stunning that he worried about the guys coming down the beach. it was instinct. he was possessive. but they were not going out and this was not a date. was it? he swam and bodysurfed when a good wave came. jess had never been very big on swimming and this had always bothered him. swimming alone bothered him once again. he told himself not to worry about what it might mean about her psyche. she wasn’t his problem anymore. he kicked into one last wave and surfed it in. when he opened his eyes, he was at her feet.

she let him sleep. he slept sitting upright in her canvas chair while she lay on the blanket reading a serious novel. he had not seen her read literature since college, when she was reading neruda and lorca in spanish. when he awoke, the beach was almost deserted.

            “how long have i been asleep? awhile, huh?”

            “yeah. you must have needed it.”

            they left the beach, she in her jeep, he in the subaru stinking of rotten feet.